Losing Hope of Getting Your Ex Back?

That things don’t always go the way we want or expect is one of the hardest things to deal with when trying to get back one’s ex.

Many of us get all stressed, anxious, nervous and all over the place because we can not predict what’ll happen next. We start imagining worst case scenarios in an attempt to prepare ourselves for the worst. Others create situations where they get into a fight with their ex (spy on their ex, say or write nasty things about the person), and completely ruin any possibility of ever getting back together.

If you find yourself acting out, you’ve crossed the line from trying to get your ex back to driving your ex further away.

What causes people to shoot themselves in the foot like this is not what the ex is doing, but their inability to handle their anxiety in the face of unpredictability and uncertainty. In many instances, you’ll find that your goal has shifted from trying to get your ex back to fighting the anxiety and toxic stress caused by the uncertainty of the situation– and you are paying “an expert’ hard-earned dollars to play psychic (or ex-basher) instead of help you get your ex back.

What you need to do first and foremost is accept that wherever human beings are involved, it is impossible to be 100% certain about what they’ll say or do at any given moment.  If you were dealing with a machine, you’d program it so that you know exactly what’s going to say or do – and why. But you are dealing with a human being — complex, versatile, ever changing and highly unpredictable by nature.

One moment they say one thing, the next they say something else. One day they feel this way and the next day they feel completely the opposite.

Simply put, be prepared for the fact that you cannot know everything and you cannot control everything at any one particular point in the process. Indeed, to expect the opposite would be unwise, and may detract you from achieving your goal of attracting your ex back.

Having control of the direction things are going in this process is nothing more than:

  • being aware of how your mind works;
  • framing situations accurately;
  • having a strategy for how you are going to attract your ex back;
  • a high degree of imagination and flexibility and;
  • an overriding willingness to embrace mistakes and surprises along the way.

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10 Comments

  • I’m following your ebook and last night I told my ex I was going to a cooking class and I said casually that it’d be nice if she wanted to come. She didn’t seem interested but said I should text nearer the day of my class. She said goodbye very fast after just a couple of minutes on the phone. Should I be concerned? It has me worried now because of how neutral she sounded, although we haven’t spoken much since I initiated contact.

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    • Her lack of enthusiasm is expected considering you haven’t spoken much since you broke up. She’s may be guarded because she doesn’t know what to expect, and may be hasn’t fully moved past what happened.

      This is a slow process and as I mentioned in the book, will call upon your patience, determination and emotional stability the way it’s never been called up on before – in the relationship. If you start panicking at every slight thing your ex says or does, you’ll lose focus and find yourself acting in a self-destructing manner.

      Text a day or two before your class reminding her that she’s welcome to come if she’s interested. She may say she’s not interested but that’s besides the point. Your goal is to get her back and not just go get her to go to the cooking class. Look at the bigger picture.

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    • I am just about to lose all hope of getting back my ex. We had a really good relationship, then the last 2 months before the breakup he said he’d lost his feelings for me. I asked if he wanted to breakup but he said no. A week later we broke up he said he could not pretend anymore. I went NC for 60 days then contacted him and asked if he wanted to try the relationship again. He did not respond but continues to contact me asking how i am doing. I don’t want him contacting me if he does not want to get back together. It hurts too much.

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      • I wouldn’t be surprised if this is not the same attitude that led to him losing his feelings for you. Relationships are about finding what works for both people, not my way or no way.

        It’s not my place to tell you to stay in contact or not. That’s a decision only you can make. But if you ever want a fulfilling and lasting relationship, you have to start thinking of a relationship as 2 people in it, not just you.

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  • I want to thank you for a very thoughtful and timely post about this topic. I’m definitely driving my ex further away. My question is, what do you do after you sent a text you know you shouldn’t have.

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    • Do nothing. I know that’s really hard to do for people who compulsively text or call the person they love (needy people). The impulse is to send another text to explain the one that you shouldn’t have sent, then send another one to try to explain the one that you sent about the one you shouldn’t have sent. Before long you have sent 10, 20 texts.

      If this is a pattern, your ex may be expecting you to do the same thing you’ve always done. So, wait a few days then send ONE email to explain yourself. See what he says and respond accordingly.

      Doing something different will take him by surprise, and if you continue doing things differently over a period of time, it will make him want to come close to find out more about this “new” you.

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  • I’m going through this right this moment. Worrying if my ex will come back or not. I know I need to be patient and act calm but I keep thinking up the worst case scenarios. I keep thinking that may be she’s just leading me on but really doesn’t want to be back with me or may be she feels sorry for me and is just being polite by replying to my texts or may be she’s bored and talks to me because right now there is no one else. Ugh! Not knowing is driving me crazy.

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