How To Fight For Your Relationship

how-to-fight-for-your-relationshipLately, I’ve been getting more and more emails from men and women who say my advice has helped them move things to a point where they are in regular contact with their ex, and things even seem to be heading towards getting back together. But for some unknown reason, their ex is still confused about how they feel and what they want. Many of the emails are asking me whether in such a situation one ought to be trying to get back together with their ex or just give up. One person asked me if it’s even possible to fight for the relationship and at the same time allow it to happen naturally.

When it comes to relationships, there is having a relationship with someone and there is struggling to hold on to a relationship you want.

What’s the difference?

If you take an object and wrap your hands around it tightly, what you are doing is communicating a desire to possess what you’re holding on to. The (this is mine) energy going into holding tightly signals the need to control. It also signals fear of losing what you have in your hand. Though the fear can be disguised as “I love him/her very much“, the reactions are not — anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing, neediness and clinging.

But if you open your hand palm up with the object resting on it, you are not holding on to it possessively and you are not controlling it in anyway. You are allowing it to rest on your palm without any effort on trying to hold it. Because there is no fear involved, there is no anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing and clinging.

I would make the same distinction between “struggling to hold on to a relationship” and “having a relationship with someone”.

The energy that goes into “struggling to hold on to a relationship” is one of fear, anxiety, worry, possessiveness, control, aggression and sometimes even hostility. And you wonder why despite your trying so hard to make the relationship work, make the other person feel loved and/or manipulate (try to make them jealous, using guilt or ultimatums), it always backfires on you.

The energy that goes into “having a relationship with someone” on the other hand is one of openness, friendliness, generosity and being willing to let go if you need to, which is what an open palm symbolizes.

So when you say, “I love him/her so much and I’m willing to do anything to fight for our relationship“, ask yourself if your palm is wrapped so tightly around the object of your desire, or if the object of your desire is resting on an open palm.

If you are with someone who is struggling with his or her feelings for you; on one hand seems to want to be with you and on the other hand acts like they want out, it’s because you are holding on too tightly. Open your palm with the spirit of openness, friendliness and generosity — and be willing to let go if you need to.

But here is the tricky part: Just telling someone you are not going to hold on tightly and are letting them go isn’t going to convince them that you are no longer going to be clingy, needy, controlling or possessive. In fact it will probably backfire. They may think you are breaking up with them and may rush to end the relationship before you end it, or they may think you are giving up on trying to make the relationship work.

The best way to show that you are indeed letting go your tight grip and struggling energy, is to walk the walk with the spirit of openness, friendliness and generosity. That is love with all your heart, but be willing to let go.

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54 Comments

  • We have had an on and off relationship for the last 3 years. When things are good they are really good and then he starts to distance himself and eventually wants his space. I know I contributed to this because I kept putting pressure for the relationship and he would shut down. I love my ex very much, always have but at times I wish I had never laid eyes on him! I just don’t know what to do.

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  • My ex broke up with me but after 3 weeks of no contact he came back and told me he’s in love with me but still not sure if he wants a relationship. I feel as if I’m getting mixed signals. Saying you love someone and not want to be with them is cruel.

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    • You may have heard the saying: “The heart says “yes”, but the mind says “no” — and vice versa.

      Loving someone and wanting to be in a relationship with that person are two different things. We don’t have a choice as to who our hearts choose to love, but we do have a choice on who our heads choose to have a relationship with. So while your ex’s heart may still love you, he has evaluated the relationship and decided it’s not what he wants at this point in time. There are several reasons why someone will not want to be in a relationship even if he still obviously loves his ex.

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  • Ha ha ha, I’m not looking for a lover. But this is freaking weird! I was sending the words to the universe with no idea anyone would respond or even know the lyrics. I’ve been playing this song since she left me.

    She was 19, I was 21, this was our song. After college we went our separate ways then I found her on Facebook, started communication found out were both single again, electricity first date, 6 months later moved in together, best time of our entire lives, lasted 3 year 2 months, she says she wasn’t happy and moved out. I’ve cried, begged and poured my heart out her but she says made a mistake starting a relationship with me before completely ending it with her ex and hurt both of us by not being honest with herself and with me. The last thing she wants is to hurt me or lose me.

    We found each other again after 28 years and she is still as beautiful to me at 47 as she was at 19. She is my soulmate, Yangki. She has my heart, but I don’t want it back, I just want her. Please help me get her back. I value your advice and would really like to hear from you.

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    • But if you’re lookin’ for….. a Love Coach. Silly!

      You say she’s special to you, I believe you! I know the pain in those lyrics so well… someone sang it to me. I don’t think it’s coincidence at all. I’d love to talk to you about your situation by phone. NO charge. Please respond to the email I sent you with contact info and day/time. May be I can be of some help getting her back.

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    • You say you’re going through changes
      Every day it seems your life is up and down
      And you say that you’re looking for an answer
      Everywhere you look it seems YOU can’t be found

      Like searchin’ tryin’ to find the rainbow
      No one’s ever found it, yet it’s told to be
      But if you’re lookin’ for a …(:
      Everything you need, you can find right here with me

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  • I am very impressed by the advice and wisdom on this site. I’m a 61 year-old man and you are really never too old to learn. Thanks for sharing all this important information – it does make a difference to a lot of us out here.

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