How To Fight For Your Relationship

how-to-fight-for-your-relationshipLately, I’ve been getting more and more emails from men and women who say my advice has helped them move things to a point where they are in regular contact with their ex, and things even seem to be heading towards getting back together. But for some unknown reason, their ex is still confused about how they feel and what they want. Many of the emails are asking me whether in such a situation one ought to be trying to get back together with their ex or just give up. One person asked me if it’s even possible to fight for the relationship and at the same time allow it to happen naturally.

When it comes to relationships, there is having a relationship with someone and there is struggling to hold on to a relationship you want.

What’s the difference?

If you take an object and wrap your hands around it tightly, what you are doing is communicating a desire to possess what you’re holding on to. The (this is mine) energy going into holding tightly signals the need to control. It also signals fear of losing what you have in your hand. Though the fear can be disguised as “I love him/her very much“, the reactions are not — anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing, neediness and clinging.

But if you open your hand palm up with the object resting on it, you are not holding on to it possessively and you are not controlling it in anyway. You are allowing it to rest on your palm without any effort on trying to hold it. Because there is no fear involved, there is no anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing and clinging.

I would make the same distinction between “struggling to hold on to a relationship” and  “having a relationship with someone”.

The energy that goes into “struggling to hold on to a relationship” is one of fear, anxiety, worry, possessiveness, control, aggression and sometimes even hostility. And you wonder why despite your trying so hard to make the relationship work, make the other person feel loved and/or manipulate (try to make them jealous, using guilt or ultimatums), it always backfires on you.

The energy that goes into “having a relationship with someone” on the other hand is one of openness, friendliness, generosity and being willing to let go if you need to, which is what an open palm symbolizes.

So when you say, “I love him/her so much and I’m willing to do anything to fight for our relationship“, ask yourself if your palm is wrapped so tightly around the object of your desire, or if the object of your desire is resting on an open palm.

If you are with someone who is struggling with his or her feelings for you; on one hand seems to want to be with you and on the other hand acts like they want out, it’s because you are holding on too tightly. Open your palm with the spirit of openness, friendliness and generosity — and be willing to let go if you need to.

But here is the tricky part: Just telling someone you are not going to hold on tightly and are letting them go isn’t going to convince them that you are no longer going to be clingy, needy, controlling or possessive. In fact it will probably backfire. They may think you are breaking up with them and may rush to end the relationship before you end it, or they may think you are giving up on trying to make the relationship work.

The best way to show that you are indeed letting go your tight grip and struggling energy, is to walk the walk with the spirit of openness, friendliness and generosity. That is love with all your heart, but be willing to let go.

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58 Comments

  • Joe88 says:

    Yangki, I’m hopeful that my ex will come back. But what if I hold on to hope and she never comes back?

    • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      It’s possible that she’ll never come back, and it’s also possible that she will come back.

      Hope is expecting a positive outcome. But just expecting alone is not enough. You’ve to do what is necessary to create the outcome you want.

  • Jamie says:

    Yangki, thanks for all ur advices. It’s been helping me to control my emotions better whenever I have the urge to contact my ex. I have read through ur blog for about a month or 2 and ur ebook too. But I’m at a confused stage now which I can’t seem to find the answers in ur blog. What if my ex was the dumper, but suggested that we can still remain and friends and stayed in contact with me, but admitted that he is not able to communicate with me at the moment. How can I fight for this relationship and get my ex back in this situation?

  • Kim says:

    We both tried so hard to fight for the relationship during the relationship that it just wasn’t working. We both aren’t a whole emotionally stable person and trying to fight for a relationship that wasn’t made up of whole people couldn’t work at this time.

  • Cassandra says:

    I wish my ex had fought for me and for our relationship. We were together for 8 years and broke up last November. He lost his job and went from being this kind and loving person to being angry and withdrawn. I tried to stand by him but he was not doing anything to help himself. I told him I loved him too much to see him do this to himself. The next day he initiated complete no contact. I haven’t heard from him since. I sent him a Christmas card.

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