How To Fight For Your Relationship

toronto_akiteng-1008Lately, I’ve been getting more and more emails from men and women who say my advice has helped them move things to a point where they are in regular contact with their ex, and things even seem to be heading towards getting back together. But for some unknown reason, their ex is still confused about how they feel and what they want. Many of the emails are asking me whether in such a situation one ought to be trying to get back together with their ex or just give up. One person asked me if it’s even possible to fight for the relationship and at the same time allow it to happen naturally.

When it comes to relationships, there is having a relationship with someone and there is struggling to hold on to a relationship you want.

What’s the difference?

If you take an object and wrap your hands around it tightly, what you are doing is communicating a desire to possess what you’re holding on to. The (this is mine) energy going into holding tightly signals the need to control. It also signals fear of losing what you have in your hand. Though the fear can be disguised as “I love him/her very much“, the reactions are not — anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing, neediness and clinging.

But if you open your hand palm up with the object resting on it, you are not holding on to it possessively and you are not controlling it in anyway. You are allowing it to rest on your palm without any effort on trying to hold it. Because there is no fear involved, there is no anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing and clinging.

I would make the same distinction between “struggling to hold on to a relationship” and  “having a relationship with someone”.

The energy that goes into “struggling to hold on to a relationship” is one of fear, anxiety, worry, possessiveness, control, aggression and sometimes even hostility. And you wonder why despite your trying so hard to make the relationship work, make the other person feel loved and/or manipulate (try to make them jealous, using guilt or ultimatums), it always backfires on you.

The energy that goes into “having a relationship with someone” on the other hand is one of openness, friendliness, generosity and being willing to let go if you need to, which is what an open palm symbolizes.

So when you say, “I love him/her so much and I’m willing to do anything to fight for our relationship“, ask yourself if your palm is wrapped so tightly around the object of your desire, or if the object of your desire is resting on an open palm.

If you are with someone who is struggling with his or her feelings for you; on one hand seems to want to be with you and on the other hand acts like they want out, it’s because you are holding on too tightly. Open your palm with the spirit of openness, friendliness and generosity — and be willing to let go if you need to.

But here is the tricky part: Just telling someone you are not going to hold on tightly and are letting them go isn’t going to convince them that you are no longer going to be clingy, needy, controlling or possessive. In fact it will probably backfire. They may think you are breaking up with them and may rush to end the relationship before you end it, or they may think you are giving up on trying to make the relationship work.

The best way to show that you are indeed letting go your tight grip and struggling energy, is to walk the walk with the spirit of openness, friendliness and generosity. That is love with all your heart, but be willing to let go.


  • Erica says:

    Yangki, my situation is a little different in that my ex broke up with me but he is the one who has instituted the no contact rule. He doesn’t want any form of contact and has unfriended me on FB, blocked msn and will not pick up his phone when I call. We were very close, and I don’t understand how things could go from the best we’ve ever been as a couple to not talking to each other at all. He did say when we broke up that he still loved me but does not want to be in a relationship. So I think he’s distancing because he does not want to face his feelings, right?

  • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

    There’s two ways to look at it…

    1) If when he was breaking up with you he said he didn’t want any contact at all, then it is possible that he is using no contact to distance from his feelings for you and move on with his life.

    2) If he decided to do no contact because you overwhelmed him — pleading, begging, and acting in ways that were not in your best interest, then his decision to use go NC is because he does not want to deal with the drama that follows most break-ups.

  • Ed says:

    We were together for 4 wonderful months then from out of the blue she said she needed to be alone, that things had moved too fast and she needed time to evaluate how she really feels about me. We still hang out and she says someday we might get back together. Does this somehow mean she regrets breaking up with me or does she just want to be friends. Help!

  • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

    I think it means just that… things moved too quickly, she wasn’t sure if it’s what she wants and pulled back so she can get a better perspective of the relationship. It also means that you still have a chance to prove to her that you’re what/who she’s looking for. How you go about proving to her that you are what/who she’s looking for will determine whether you get back together, become “just friends” or go your separate ways.

  • Ed says:

    But don’t you think that’s having her cake and eating it too?

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