Monday September 1st 2014

Is There Someone Else Or Am I Jumping to Conclusions?

toronto_akiteng-598Question: I started seeing this guy a month ago. He says he is falling for me and I really like him. We email back and forth and talk everyday. But this is where it gets tricky. He only calls me during the day at work when I’m busy and only have a few minutes to talk. I’ve told him to call me at home in the evenings or nights, he says he’ll call but never once has he called. Every time I call the number he gave me it’s either off or busy. When I leave a message he calls me back after a couple of hours or the next day. His excuses for not picking up the phone vary from he was in a meeting to he forgot the phone in the car.

Over the weekend we were supposed to meet up for lunch and an afternoon to ourselves but he never showed or called. The next day I received a dozen roses and an apology. Ten minutes later he called to say he was very sorry. His brother called about an emergency with his father. He was so worried he forgot to call me and when he did remember he thought I’d be too upset and he wasn’t ready to deal with that too. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions and ruin everything if I’m wrong. But something tells me he may be married or has a girlfriend. What do you think? Am I being too suspicious?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: Is it possible for someone to be in a meeting when you call or forget his phone in the car? Yes, it’s possible. Is it possible for someone to be called away on an emergency and be so worried that he forgets to call to tell you he can’t meet you for your date? Yes, life happens.

But it’s the combination of all the other things, like you dating him for a month but never being able to successfully call him and him calling you only in the day time and never in the evenings or nights that makes it all the more suspicious.

Your instincts may be right. He may be married, married but separated or has a girlfriend. But I also know some guys who are not married but living with their children and try to hide the fact that they’re dating or seeing someone until a time they’re ready to introduce the woman to the children. But most of them usually tell you the reasons they’re “acting fishy” so you don’t get suspicious.

There are a few things you can do to find out what the deal with him is.

You could sneek around and try to catch him in the “act”. However, if you have a full fun life and better things to do, following someone around gets boring real quick (not to mention it’s a kind of “immature”). You could hire a private investigator but for someone you only dated for a month and not even in an exclusive committed relationship, that’s a waste of good money. You could also do an internet search. His home appraisal should reveal he’s married. But again he could be married but separated so I don’t know if the information will help reassure you. The other thing you can do is ask to go to his place but I’ve heard of guys that hire a single friend’s pad for the day.

My best bet – which I believe is the simpler way to get information, is to look him straight in the eye and ask him directly, “Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? Or Are your seeing someone else?”

There is nothing wrong with asking. These types of questions would come up in any casual conversation between two people who’re attracted to each other and hoping to have a relationship.

Watch his reaction. If he’s married, has a girlfriend or seeing someone else or even just not into you, he’ll 1) laugh it off but not ask you why you think what you think (he already knows why), 2) he may ask you why you think what you think and then try to make you feel stupid for thinking it or for asking 3) get offended that you asked and refuse to talk about it any further.

If he is not married, has a girlfriend or seeing someone else, he’ll 1) laugh it off and deny it right away, 2) ask you why you think what you think, then try to explain himself to your satisfaction.

Make sure you don’t let him off the hook until you feel completely reassured. Go with your instincts, they are there to “protect you” and are rarely wrong when it comes to this type of thing.

The earlier you do this the better. You don’t want to waste your time and feelings on someone who isn’t physically and emotionally available.

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

7 Responses to “Is There Someone Else Or Am I Jumping to Conclusions?”

  1. Erin says:

    What if there is someone else? What do I do?

  2. You decide for yourself what it is you want to do – for YOU. A lot depends on what kind of relationship they have. If he’s married or has a girlfriend, he’s TAKEN (like in belongs to someone else).

    If he’s someone you’re just dating/getting to know and he’s casually seeing someone else (nothing definite), you can 1) ask him to choose between you and her, but that’s a risk you have to be willing to face the outcome, he may choose her, 2) try to fight for him but only if he’s really worth it. Most guys casually playing the field aren’t looking for a ‘”relationship” and you can’t make them do anything they do not want to do.

    You might find this article useful…
    The Other Woman: How To Get Him To Want To Date You Exclusively

    If it’s an “ex situation” that’s an entirely different topic that deserves a post/article of it’s own (Also see: Facts About Rebound Relationships).

  3. Candice says:

    This article is great for so many trying to find someone willing to go the long haul in relationships.

  4. Becca says:

    I recently got out of a situation where I found out that he was still married. I wish I would have known sooner but glad that I followed my instincts.

  5. Everyone has that six sense built in them that tells them when a situation is just not right (i.e. they’re being played). Good for you that you followed yours.

  6. Tola says:

    It doesn’t necessarily need to be another woman but something seems to be left out of the picture. He skips some information (probably about something that in his opinion you won’t swallow easily). I had similar situation with my ex – he lied about his vast religious involvement.

  7. nmaesake says:

    Very sound advice. We women need to be less passive aggressive in our relationships.

Please read our POLICY for asking your question, then ask a BRIEF question or share insight. Thanks, I appreciate YOU!!