Does Someone Doing “No Contact” Love You?

Anna Wrote: I am a little confused about one part in your article. In one of the paragraphs you say that people who use ‘no contact’ are not using it because they love you… Yet in the same paragraph you also say that these people are not out to hurt the person they love, which implies that this would be done to a person they love… So then, if this is true would the ‘no contact’ be a manifestation of their love (healthy or not), which would contradict the former statement, since they only do this to the people they love?

Yangki’s Response: It’s possible that you are a little confused because you are not reading the post in context and as a result tunnel visioning and adding stuff that’s only in your head.

No where do I say…”people who use ‘no contact’ are not using it because they love you…”

Correct quote: A person using “no contact” to make you feel anxious, jealous, clingy or desperate is not doing it out of love. He/she is doing it because he/she needs to emotionally break you to feel in control… Big difference there!

In context, I write, “Keep in mind that not everyone who suddenly cuts off all contact is doing so TO BREAK YOU. Some people use “No Contact” because they believe it’s the best way for them to heal from the pain and move on.

You also write: Yet in the same paragraph you also say that these people are not out to hurt the person they love, which implies that this would be done to a person they love.

Correct quote: …not necessarily bitter or vengeful people out to hurt the person they love. They honestly believe that because it was done to them and it worked, it will work with you too.

If you take in the second part of what I said, it all ties in together. Take it out and it seems like a contradiction — which is what you did. You created the contradiction by ommission.

You wrote: So then, if this is true would the ‘no contact’ be a manifestation of their love (healthy or not), which would contradict the former statement, since they only do this to the people they love?

There is no “if this is true” because you made that all up in your head. That’s what overthinking and overnalyzing does to people sometimes. You make these very smart arguments (on both sides of your own viewpoint) like you are debating someone else, and sometimes “forget” that it’s all happening INSIDE YOUR HEAD… all by yourself.

The whole article is about dysfunctional emotional programming… and how repeated emotional abuse at a young age twists what love means in the emotionally abused adult’s mind. So there is no contradiction on my part… emotional abuse is emotional abuse. You only see a contradiction if you are trying to justify using “no contact” to break someone as “a manifestation of their love (healthy or not)”.

If you need something to quote; something I actually said… here it is:

If you are trying to EMOTIONALLY BREAK someone else, it is NOT LOVE. It’s what it is… emotional abuse.

If you are the ex on the receiving end of this kind of “love”, tell that ex who thinks they can get you back by trying to make you feel like you don’t matter or are less than your true value that you know what he/she is doing, and it won’t work. That’s how you handle someone trying to emotionally break you using “no contact”. Don’t let them.

They say you teach people how they treat you, once you let them break you emotionally, they’ll do it again, and again, and again… because it worked the first time. That’s how it was done to them, and that’s how it will affect you.

Emotional abuse by someone who is supposed to love you goes deep and can affect us in some cases, for the rest of our lives. Don’t let them break you, instead move on with your life. You don’t need that kind of person in your life. You can do better. [end quote].

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11 Comments

  • How do you respond to someone using such tactic on you? I am hurt and also very angry with this sort strategy applied on me to break me by the person I love. I miss him I want to go to him but I am angry at his behaviour including this no contact tactic. What I should do? leave it and wait or leave it , it is over

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  • Thank you Yangki for your quick response. I have been reading your articles and realize that I drove him to NC because I could not accept the breakup. You also mentioned that it takes two to create a relationship and two to destroy it, I have been blaming my ex for not giving me what I want but after spending time on your site, I can see how my behavior made him pull away and become more distant. I bought your It’s Just A Break-Up book to work on me. I can’t expect a better relationship if I am not better. Wish me luck!

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  • It hurts too much to want to be in contact with your ex when he doesn’t want to be in contact with you. I can only respect his choice and NC is the right choice for me. I sent him an email telling him I respect his wish and will not attempt to contact him anymore. Do you think after a couple months he’ll miss me?

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    • Technically you are not doing NC if the other person is the one asking for no contact. You are not ‘choosing” not to contact them (which is what NC is), they asked you not to.

      I don’t know if he will miss you or not. If you are using NC hoping that it is going to make him miss you, just keep in mind that it could go either way.

      But if the intention here is to respect his wish (which is the right thing to do), then you should not worry about whether or not he’ll miss you. Part of “respecting other people’s wishes”, is being able to let go the need for a particular outcome. Keep all options open with no attachment to one particular outcome.

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  • Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes both people come to a decision together, and sometimes it is for the best. My ex said he was never in love with me and that’s why he was unhappy and distant, but stayed with me because I made him a better and more caring person. It hurts so much but it is much better than the alternative, being with someone who does not love you.

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    • I hear your pain… but you are right, it’s much better than the alternative.

      Anyone who makes others want to be more caring (in my book) is a special kind of person. I know it’s not much comfort, but may be that’s what this relationship was about. You were only there in his life to facilitate his growth into a better person. The person for you is waiting for you… and it’s only a matter of time.

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  • I did no contact for 10 weeks to get back my ex, which I did for 3 weeks! She left again and but reading through the articles, I realize that my intentions for using no contact were not good. I still love her and want her back, but I don’t know what else to do.

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