Thursday April 24th 2014

Is My Ex Still In Love With Me But Won’t Admit It?

Question: Three weeks ago I contacted my ex about some important documents. I went to pick up the documents and we ended up going out for dinner. A month ago she wouldn’t return any of my calls. We have had many phone conversation mostly about business, family and mutual friends. When we talk I’m cheerful, confident and relaxed because I want her to see that I am not the emotional wreck she knew a few weeks ago. Some days she’s really warm, friendly and even flirtatious and other days she’s cold and does not want to talk to me. She says I hurt her deeply she is having a hard time putting it behind her. I admit I wasn’t the best boyfriend to her. I now realize I was way too clingy and controlling and when I was angry I was sarcastic, criticizing, ridiculing etc. We both are very hot tempered. I’ve come a long way thanks to therapy. Do you think she still loves me but won’t admit it? What should I say to her to help her put the pain behind her?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: There is obviously still a connection there, I can’t say with 100% certainly that it’s love, only  she can.  Now whether that connection  is sufficient to get the two of you back together or not depends on how fast she can move past that hurt and if she can trust you not to hurt her again.  It also depends on a lot other things going on in her life and if getting back with you is top on her priority list.

I assume that you’ve already apologized to her (not explained/justified what happened but accepted responsibility) for the hurt you caused her. She needs to know you really, really understand how you hurt and that you’re genuinely sorry. Do not expect her to forgive you right away, give her time to process her hurt in her own time and way.

Next time she says she’s having a hard time putting the hurt behind her (which she will) acknowledge it with something like “I’m really sorry I hurt you” and STOP THERE! It’s her reality. You can’t talk someone out of feeling hurt. You can temporarily calm the feeling of hurt but when she is on her own, it’ll come up because feelings MUST be and have to be processed by the person feeling them not by someone else.

The next step is for you to show her that it won’t happen again. This means making sure you don’t do things that remind her of why she’s hurting and why you’re not together. So it all comes down to how much changing you have done.

Don’t be surprised if after a few “great moments” she says she thinks she needs to pull back/not see you “like that” anymore ( I’ve seen it a zillion times before with so many of my clients). Do not panic and get all clingy (again).  Simply tell her it’s not what you want but you understand and hope that she knows that she can reach out to you any time she wants to.  Then ask her if you can email/call her once in a while just to see how she’s doing.  Tell her you expect nothing, you just want to know she’s okay.

The goal is to make sure the door is still open and also show her that you indeed have changed.

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26 Responses to “Is My Ex Still In Love With Me But Won’t Admit It?”

  1. Trevor says:

    My ex broke up with me saying we weren’t meant for each other but agreed to remain friends. In the beginning we kept in contact via email and msn, then we moved to phone calls and now we’re practically together every weekend. We are best friends and I know she loves me but keeps telling me different reasons why things can’t work out between us. It just sucks to be in this position. Cut her out or keep a good friend in my life?

  2. The fact that the two of you stayed in each other’s lives means you’re each a huge part of the other’s life. My advice is continue the friendship and work on the “different reasons” she gives you for things not working out. Some reasons can easily be worked out and others are deal breakers (without which she feels she’ll not be happy or committed to the relationships). If you decide to cut her out of your life, it should be because the negatives of being around her far out weigh the positives. Right now, it seems you have more positives than negatives.

  3. CHASTITY says:

    I’m not sure if my ex wants me back or not. We keep in contact but he’s cold and indifferent. We broke up because he cheated, not the first time he’s cheated. I told him if he promised to not cheat again, I’ll take him back but he says he can’t make that promise. I love him with all my heart. What do I do?

  4. Chastity, you heard the guy… he has no intention of stopping his cheating habits. So you either take the cheater and be cheated on again or you give yourself a little respect and find someone who actually cares that cheating makes you unhappy.

  5. Sara says:

    He is angry that I haven’t returned his calls/emails. If he is angry, that means he cares, right??

  6. It simply means he is not happy that you didn’t return his calls/emails. Calling that “caring” is stretching it; angry and caring are two different things. People get angry with people they don’t care about all the time. Anger is not about the other person, it’s about the person who is angry.

  7. Jay says:

    We broke up two months ago. I tried several times to contact her but she never responded. Yesterday she sent me hugs from facebook and wrote on my facebook wall. What does all of this mean with her contacting me and sharing?

  8. It may mean she’s missing that emotional sharing and wants to re-establish it or it could also mean she’s feeling much more comfortable talking to you again compared to when you first broke up. I think you should not jump ahead of yourself and start pushing anything, just take a moment at a time, a day at a time and see what happens.

  9. Lianne says:

    His actions show me that he is not over me but he is in denial i think because its been 5 months and he still says rude things but also talks about me to all his friends. I’m very confussed, i can’t tell if he still loves me or if he has built up anger and can’t let it go and move on. Either way i need to find a way to move on from all this becuase he is holding me back and i can’t have a healthy relationship with someone else when my past is still so fresh -Thanks for your time.

  10. If he says rude things and probably talks negatively about you to his friends, then it’s most likely that he still has built up anger. Whether or not he can’t let go and move on is his business. Likewise moving on is your own business. There is nothing he is doing or can do to hold you back from moving on – if that is what you want to do. It seems to me that you’re using him as an excuse for your own inability to let go. Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions and you’ll be able to let go, move on, find someone new and have a healthy relationship – IF THAT IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO!

  11. says:

    girlfriend of 2 years dumped me 8 weeks ago. Says it hadnt felt ‘right’ for a few months, and doesnt love me anymore. I didnt contact her for a whole month, although she tried a few times. when I finally do call to ask for my stuff back, and to ‘be friends’ she asks if I want lunch and I end up staying the night.

    4 weeks later we try to see each other every weekend, and speak most nights. lots of intimacy, romance and laughter, go out for dinner, walks, hotels, etc…but she says she still doesnt love me, or is unsure…this leads to ‘questions’ and me being upset (3 times she has ‘Freudian-slipped’ in conversation and said ‘I love you’ then apologised, saying it was out of habit…CONFUSION4ME!). I am leaving the country in 2-3 months time for 6 months travelling…this seems to come up a fair bit about her resistance to ‘search inside herself for answers or put her heart on the line’. All I want to know-does she love me?

  12. I can’t say with certainty if she loves you — only she can tell you. But there is definitely some strong pull there. Just based on the information you’ve provided me, my guess is that she has strong feelings for you but 1) not sure if those feelings are love, or 2) not sure if you’re right for her, or 3) does not feel that all her needs are being met by the relationship. It’s possible to love someone and not want to be in a relationship with that person because of any one, two or three of these reasons.

  13. Cindy says:

    Someone I dated broke up with me because they could not handle the “stress” and said that they were too worried all the time. They said they wanted to stay friends multiple times and two times we talked about serious matters (never about us or anything like that)and they requested to talk on the phone and was not quick to hang up. At the end they asked if we could still be friends and I stated “You left me when I needed someone the most. Not even a friend does that.” And we have not talked since and quickly after my ex started dating someone else but I have been told it is not the same between them at all, they do nothing together. I am not interested in getting back with this person, but I am curious about the feelings I guess. Thank-you

  14. There is obviously a lot of ‘background” to this but to answer to what you’re curious about. I do not know what his feelings are. No one really knows what any one’s feelings are unless the person feeling them says what they are.

    I can only try to piece pieces of information you’ve given me and what I know about this type of situations to try to make sense of what’s going on. My take is that your ex may have hoped that things might work between you but was not sure if the “stress” problem was behind him. He may have wanted to use the “let’s be friends” zone to try and gauge for himself if things would be different this time. You obviously were either still hurting because of what happened or angry that he left you when you needed him most, and you turned the “let’s be friends” request down. Note: I’m not what you did was right or wrong, you did what you felt was right for you!

    He may have concluded things would just be the same – stressful — and decided to date someone new. Whether his new relationship is a rebound or not remains to be seen. Please read my entry: Facts About Rebound Relationships.

    Now I’m also curious about your feelings… if you are not interested in getting back with him, why does what is happening in his new relationship even concern you? As long as you are still “curious” about his feelings, you will never move on. Your ex on the other side may have actually moved on even if he still has feelings for you (and I’m not saying he has or does not have feelings for you. I don’t know). What I do know is that someone can still be in love but not want a relationship with that person — for so many various reasons! !!!

  15. Curious says:

    I broke up with my ex because he could not commit. Now he is with a new woman and have been together for only 3 months and acting like a couple. We were at a mutual friend’s wedding over the weekend and he was so attentive to her the way he’s was never with me. He never even bothered to look my direction. Everyone said it’s because he still has feelings for me and is trying to hurt me by showing me what a good catch he is. I still have feelings for him but now I’m really mad at him for trying to hurt me. What do you think I should do?

  16. I’m not sure… think you should do about what? Do about you still having feelings for him or do about your reaction to what you think he’s trying to do to you?

    This may seen callous and uncaring… but it’s not always about you. It’s tempting to think that an ex’s words and actions have you in mind or are directed at you. May be they are and may be not. It’s possible that he has indeed moved on and is happy with his new life especially if he seems genuinely in love with this new woman. May be he’s found reason to want to commit.

  17. Curious says:

    Should I ask him if he still has feelings for me? He said as recently as last week (to a friend) that he’s sad that we never were right for each other. I’m guilty of putting pressure on him when he was going through some personal issues (child custody with ex-wife) and he said he just could not handle both at the same. After thinking about it, I know I acted needy and desperate. Can I still get him back? I still love him very much and miss him.

  18. I give you much credit for admitting where you’ve gone wrong. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do that.

    If you’ve not been in contact or haven’t been warm to each other, it’d seem desperate and needy for you to at this point ask him if he still has feelings for you. There is a danger of him thinking you’re making this about you again. You saw where that got you with putting pressure on him when he was dealing with something that had nothing to do with you. He saw that as the two of you not being right for each other when the real issue could have just being bad timing on your part.

    Let some time pass and then send a simple “hello” very brief re-introductory text or email and see if he responds and how he responds — and basically go one contact at a time. No rush, no pressure.

  19. Curious says:

    Bad timing has always been a problem for me. My older sister told me to give him some time and space because of the custody battle and to be there for him, but all my friends said he was a commitment phobe and I believed it.

    I’ll text him a week from today and see where it goes. Thank you so much.

  20. Mimi says:

    My ex of 3 years moved on so fast. We were only apart 2 weeks and he met this woman he is now with. I want to believe this is a rebound but he is telling everyone she’s the one after knowing her for about two months. I can’t see how he can know that in just two months. When we were together his whole world was about me and he was my world too. The last thing I want is to jump into another relation but apparently I did not mean as much to him as he meant and still means to me.

  21. It hurts when your ex moves on so quickly. It could or could not be a rebound relationships, only time will tell. This post might help: Facts About Rebound Relationships [Will It Last?]

  22. Vanessa says:

    To Mimi. I know what you are going through. My ex of 7 years got married exactly 3 months after he left me. Everyone kept telling me it was a rebound. He also said she is the one he has been waiting for all his life, mind you that’s after 7 years with me. People are still telling me it won’t last but soon she’ll be pregnant and they’ll still be telling me it won’t last. I feel so broken and inadequate but learning to accept that I wasted 7 years of my life on someone who didn’t love me as much as I loved him.

  23. Hameed says:

    I met her two years ago and we become so intimate in 3 days than she went back to her country..we kept in contact for few days than suddenly she told me stop contact and take care….I was surprise and try to call her and text to her, she did not answer…..I beg her to talk for once but she did not… almost two years no words from her…..please help me….what should I do to get her back…….???

  24. You are surely deluding yourself if you think you are still in a relationship with someone who has not spoken to you in 2 years.

    Let me help end your misery: It was a fling… she got over it along time ago… There is nothing there.

  25. Claire says:

    My ex says he can’t be there for me in the way that I need, but will always be there to support me in anything. He says he wants me to be happy. What does that mean?

  26. I think that it means that he wants you to move on because you are not getting back together.

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