Why Does Your Ex Want Contact But Is Still Undecided?

signs-your-ex-is-not-ready-to-make-a-decisonIf you want to successfully get back your ex, timing is extremely important.

In my article, “How To Take It Slow And Get Your Ex Back“, I highlighted the need to constantly ask yourself “Do my ex’s words and actions show that he/she feels for me the way I feel for him/her?”

Asking yourself this question is one way of making sure that you are not getting far ahead of your ex’s feelings for you and putting an enormous amount of pressure on him/her.

If you move too quickly too soon, you are bound to miss important pieces of information, but more importantly, you will cause your ex to pull away, and/or want to move on from you.

Unfortunately, the thinking of some people is that if you get the question of whether or not your ex wants to be with you out of the way, then you can get down to what needs to be done to get him/her back.

I have clients ask me, “How do I get him/her back when I don’t know if he/she wants to be with me or not?”, and I have responded, “How do you know he/she wants to be with you or not, if you haven’t tried to get him/her back?”

They are either so afraid of rejection or failing, so they directly or subtly put the message out there “If you don’t want to be with me, don’t waste my time.”

Most find themselves trying this approach, that program and the other trick to no success. This is because getting your ex to say “yes I want you back” takes time and effort. If you just rush straight to it, chances are that you will get a “no” answer. Not because your ex doesn’t want you back, but because you didn’t lay the foundation for a “yes” answer.

To get your ex to say “yes”, you have to slowly move him/her towards a decision, one small step at a time, until he/she is ready to make a decision.

This is why the timing of when you have the conversation about getting back together is extremely important. If your ex is not ready to make a decision, it is probably not a good idea and you should wait until he/she is already.

“Ready to make a decision” is not determined by the number of contact/dates/months. It’s determined by the groundwork you’ve laid for that kind of conversation to take place –and for the outcome to be a positive one.

Too soon, when you haven’t done all the things you need to do to show him/her that the relationship will be better this time round will get you a “not now” or straight “no” response. And in my experience, once you get “no” more than once. It becomes harder and harder to get a “yes”. So make sure before you talk about where things are going that your chances look good.

Ready to make a decision” is also not something you decide for your ex.

If your ex is leaning towards getting back with you, and you, out of your own anxiety or aggressive nature, push him to a decision, he/she may say “Okay, lets get back together”, but remain uncommitted to making the relationship work.

“Ready to make a decision” is when it’s clear to both of you that this is something you both want, and not just one person trying to convince the other.

If you are still “convincing” your ex to get back with you, he/she is NOT ready to make a decision. If he/she makes one, it may not be the one you want/like, or as I mentioned above, he/she may just tell you “yes” but not be invested in making the relationship work.

If there is anything you should take from this article, it’s that getting your ex to a point where he/she is “ready to make a decision” takes time and effort. Effort on your part is very important because if your ex broke up with you, he/she is unlikely to come to the decision to take you back on his/her own. You have to move him/her towards that decision.

Republished by Blog Post Promoter

More from Yangki Akiteng

Why Couldn’t You Work Things Out Instead Of Breaking Up?

It’s hurts deeply when you thought your relationship meant a lot to...
Read More

9 Comments

  • Yangki: My ex broke up with me because she was not happy. She wanted me to make changes and I have done many of the things she asked me to change. She wanted us to keep in contact and be friends and in the beginning we just text each other once a week. In the course of one month things have progressed to the point that we spend more and more time together. But every time I bring up getting back together, she tells me different reasons why it cannnot work out between us. I don’t know if I am being played or if there is something else going on. Please help.

    View Comment
    • It’s difficult to show change when very little has really changed. Until she can envision a better relationship, I am afraid she will not want to come back.

      View Comment
    • If you are asking if this means he wants to get back together, context matters.

      If you’ve been dating for a while and things are moving in the right direction, it may mean he’s thinking about how different things can be, and will be if you do get back together.

      But if there is not much communication going on and he said that just because you happened to be talking about the past, it means exactly what he said. You both made mistakes and he hopes you learn from it and be better partners.It could be better partners for each other or better partners for some else.

      View Comment
  • Yangki, thank you for your articles, they make a lot of sense to me. I am 52 and my ex is 48. We were together for about 5 years and broke up this last November due to some disagreement, but that’s a long story. We recently got in contact and pretty much talk on the phone 2 -3 days a week. I am following the advice in your book and noticing progress. We’ve met up a few times since and things have been going well. I need some advice on being emotionally open. One of the things she complained about was that we didn’t have heart to heart conversations more often. I wasn’t open enough and don’t think she knows the full extent of my feelings for her. To this day I truly believed she left because she didn’t think I love her. Do I tell her how I feel?

    View Comment
    • It depends on how much “progress” you’ve made. In my experience, it doesn’t usually go well in the initial stages just after re-establishing contact. You end up coming across as desperate, needy, or worse — trying to manipulate your ex into coming back.

      But if you feel that you’ve made enough progress in terms of creating a safe emotional environment in which to talk about your feelings without scaring her away, then let her know how you feel.

      Make sure you do it in small doses. Too much will overwhelm her and scare her off.

      View Comment
  • Yangki, I’m at that stage where I think that it’s time to ask him if he wants to give the relationship another chance. He has hinted a couple of time that he may be open to the idea in the context of the future. Like this one time we were watching a movie and he said, “that would be a cool place to go to, What do you think?” I don’t think he would say such things if we were not getting back together. What do you think?

    View Comment
    • There are many things that say “it’s time”. One of them is your ex saying things that tell you he thinks you’ll be in each other’s lives for some time to come. In your case, it’s not clear if he was asking if it’s a place you think is cool to go together, of if he was just asking if you think that’s a cool place.

      If there are other times when he’s said things that tell you he is thinking of a future with you in it, then go a head and ask.

      Just remember, timing is just one part of the equation. How you ask can be the difference between “YES”, “not now”, “I’ll think about it” and “no!” (and all the other likely responses in between).

      All the very best…definitely worth it…):

      View Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *