Wednesday July 23rd 2014

If You Love Someone Should You Tell Them?

Some of you will say “Yes. absolutely”. But most of you will probably say, “No! It’ll scare them way.”

There is an open “secret” out there which says if you tell someone how you feel, it’ll drive them away. So everyone is holding their feelings close to the chest, literally. But guess what? The very people holding tightly on to their feelings are the same people who’re getting rejected and dumped over and over. And the calculating types playing “bargain” with their feelings are the same people who most feel “unloved” by the people they want to love them.

Ever wonder why?

Love — true love, that is — is meant to be given away freely. Unlike many of our “material” cravings and possessions that reward us by accumulating and hoarding more of it, love is a “poor” man’s luxury. Freely received and freely given. Unfortunately our “materialistic” conditioned minds don’t seem to get this simple fact. So we’re always trying to get more “love” by trying to accumulate and hoard it, but only end up with nothing.

What can be more beautiful than telling someone you love them? It’s not only a rewarding experience for the receiver but also for the giver.

So why don’t more people do it?

1. Selfishness/Ego

Everyone is looking after No.1 (Self) these days and relationships have become about “what can I get for myself?” as opposed to “how can I make someone else happy?”

The what’s-in-it-to-for-me thinking makes telling someone how you truly feel very scary. They might not feel the same way and how “embarrassing” that will be. The ego can’t take that. Worse, there is something you want (and feel entitled to have) but someone won’t give it to you. That hurts (the ego).

That entitlement attitude is what makes even supposedly very intelligent men and women act like spoilt children when someone they have a thing for rejects them or acts “not interested”. They get irrational by the second and aggressive/pushy by the minute. Unable to deal with the fact that someone won’t give them what they want, most push to bring the situation they do not like or are uncomfortable with to a faster conclusion.

Their attitude is “It’s going to happen anyway, so I might as well be done with it”. The irony is, sometimes all the other person was hoping for was a little bit more honesty, openness and showing of TRUE feelings, not more dishonesty and coldness.

2. Inner emptiness

Too many “empty” people looking to be filled by someone else’s love. You know what I mean , “You complete me”, “I’m nothing without you” , “You’re the best thing in my life” etc.

Inner emptiness in the realm of love is felt as “neediness.” People without the “needy energy” have a “fullness” about them because they have enough love for themselves and a lot more “overflow” that they are willing and want to share freely with someone else. When someone overflowing with love “loves” another person, that person experiences a feeling of “overflowing” with love and that’s because they are.

Neediness on the other hand is inner emptiness that’s looking for someone else to fill it up. When a needy person tries to “love” or expresses “love”, it feels to the other person like something is being taken away from them instead. And that’s exactly what neediness does. It takes from others to try to fill it’s own inner emptiness.

Naturally and often instinctively, the person being “loved” by a needy person will pull away (or run for dear life). Sometimes they may not even know why, they just know they need to “get away” or be suffocated to death (needy person sucking the love energy out of them).

The needy person unaware of their vampirish nature thinks the other person pulled away because they “showed” love. When in truth the other person had to leave or be sucked to death trying to fill an emptiness that is un-fill-able by someone else.

Bottom line, if you love someone, let them know. You never know it could be your only chance to tell them how much they mean to you. There’s no point in having all those conversations in your head that you wish you could speak out — but won’t — and then when the person is leaving you, you pour your heart out in a desperate attempt to make them change their mind.

Most people can handle only so much emotion at a time. Overwhelming them with desperate pleas of love, caring, devotion, commitment, happiness, fun etc (promise of better things) will only make someone want to get away as fast as they can and as far away as possible. Why? Too much needy energy all at once. Scary!

If you love someone tell them they’re loved. It’s one of the best feelings in the world. But as explained above, telling them does not mean that they’ll return your love. Do this for YOU. Do this so your love energy blocked by dishonesty, pretence and “hoarding” tendecies can flow more freely.

This is the thing about love, the more of it you give away freely, the more you will have– and the more will be returned to you!

Practice, Practice. Practice giving away love — FREELY.  And you’ll have more than you can possible hold in your little heart.

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

21 Responses to “If You Love Someone Should You Tell Them?”

  1. NWZ says:

    I was stupid not to fight for her. I listened to all the advice about not making her think I still loved her and I even told her that I’d moved on. But the truth is that I still think of her everyday and miss her very much. It’s killing me in every sense of the word carrying these feelings inside me knowing that she thinks I don’t care about her anymore when I do. Should I write her a letter and tell her everything or is it better to arrange a meeting and confess everything?

  2. I’m sure you realize it was a HUGE mistake to pretend that you didn’t love her anymore and even go as far telling her you had moved on. You set that trap and you got caught in it.

    Writing a letter confessing everything will not help anything. Telling her how you feel now may make you feel good about yourself but it isn’t going to make her “happy” hearing it. Like I said in my post, most people can only handle so much emotion at a time. Telling her now all at once is the ego again trying to get something for itself (relief) without much consideration for the other’s happiness.

    My suggestion would be to reconnect with her slowly over time. Tell her how you truly feel when she’s more receptive to hearing that she’s loved — and do it in small dozes that she can handle.

  3. SeaRat says:

    Yangki, on an intellectual level I agree with everything you say about telling someone how we feel about them. But in reality, I tend to be turned off by women telling me their feelings. May be I’m just uncomfortable with feelings in general or maybe I prefer to be lied to sometimes – lol

  4. LOL. May be both…

    I hear what you’re saying. I’ve met quite a few people who are uncomfortable with feelings – mostly men, (just being honest). Many feel as if they are being asked to give or fix something, and when one isn’t sure of what’s being asked or not yet ready to give it, it can be uncomfortable. It’s like you’re failing at something or your “worth” is being put into question.

    A lot has to do with how one was raised/early experiences with feelings and emotions. On most part though, it’s usually the way feelings are expressed that can be uncomfortable. I’m at home with other people’s feelings and I’m the sort that wears mine on my sleeve, but I too would be turned off if someone was 1) pushing their feelings on me, 2) acting as if by telling me they love/like me they’re doing me a favour or 3) telling me how they feel because they want me to say something back.

    You might want to read my post “When Revealing Your Feelings of Love Is A Bad Idea.”

  5. Ron says:

    Just a couple of months ago, we were heading for a break-up and a counselor told us to spare at least one hour a day to talk with total honesty about how we feel about each other than the usual talk about work or complaining about what the other is not doing. This actually saved our relationship.

  6. Thank you for your comment. You have no idea how many people — men and women– I talk to everyday who say, “I don’t know why it happened, we never fought”. Sounds cool, but after further exploration, the culprit is always never really taking quality time to talk about how each feels. The only time “feelings” become a topic is when people are breaking up — and for most, it’s too late!

  7. DonJuan says:

    This is written from a woman’s perspective. I much prefer “The Rules of the Game” by Neil Strauss. What he basically says is women are attracted to men who they feel they have to win over and prove their sexual attractiveness. If she knows you like her, she’ll not be attracted to you. So even if you like her, make her think she’s not attractive. Strauss recommends making teasingly negative remarks about her appearance which will make her feel insecure and want to prove she’s attractive.

  8. Two questions for you, Don Juan…
    1) What kind of woman do you attract with a technique like that?
    2) What does it say about you hunting at the bottom of the food chain?

  9. DonJuan says:

    Bottom of the food chain? Please explain.

  10. Hunting at the TOP of the food chain is like the lion hunting the strong, fast and fresh. Hunting at the BOTTOM of the food chain is like a hyena stalking the weak, sick and fallen.

    What I’m saying is that, the technique you describe will NOT work with a strong, confident and self-assured woman. She’ll dismiss you at best and feel pity for you at worst. The only kind of woman you attract with a technique like that is someone 1) with very low self-esteem (yes, there are very attractive woman with very low-self-esteem), 2) mentally unstable or 3) desperate.

    What does it say about you when your “success list” is compromised of women with very low self-esteem, are mentally unstable or desperate? It doesn’t say Don Juan, it says something else… like… like… it begins with an “L”…(:

  11. Nicole says:

    I’m in my 40s and miss the days when people just called to say “I love you”.

    Yangki, thank you for trying to bring back what relationships are really about.

  12. Hi Nicole, I just called… to say… “I love you”… and I mean it from the bottom of my heart… Remember, Stevie Wonder???…(:

    Thank you for your kind words… I’m doing the best I can… comments like yours help to know all is not going to waste.

  13. Nicole says:

    Steview Wonder… yes. Those were the days :-).

  14. Monica says:

    hi christine! i just wanted to say you’re such a breath of fresh air! as a woman who comes from a place of fullness – your advice is just so real, beautiful and incredibly spot-on. and the things you talk about and encourage are not short-term or quick fixes – you’re talking about hard work, transformative work, but real work that creates real results! i so admire your bravery and commitment to helping people to live truly full, loving and empowering lives so they can then share these qualities with other whole, happy, loving individuals! love & hugs!

  15. Chandra says:

    Would be nice if everyone told the truth about their feelings. If you like someone, tell them. If you don’t, at least be upfront with them about it. Life would be a lot simpler.

  16. Efrain M/ says:

    I just want to say thank you Christine. You made me realize that the key is to first love yourself. I’ve been talking to her (the girl I’m in love with) and I can gladly say we’re good friends and I love being a ble to make her laugh and I know she enjoys me spending time with her. But I’m just too shy, I could never ever build that courage to ask. Its a bit selfish wanting to be able to tell if she feels what i feel. If I could just sense it and be able to read it. It would be enough.

  17. Nisha says:

    I was always straightforward with guys that showed interest, but those relationships ended with no proposal. When I met my ex, I did all the things people say to do not to be “too available”. I played it cool. Never said I love you first and always waited hours/days before returning calls/texts. He chased after me for 6 months and proposed. The night before the wedding he told me he didn’t think he felt for me the way he should, and broke it off.

    Believe it or not, I was relieved because I didn’t really love him either. I’m going to back to being straightforward with guys because even if I didn’t get proposed to, at least those relationships were more fulfilling than with my ex.

  18. Smart woman…smart decision… (:

  19. Brett says:

    I came to this website looking for help with my situation. My ex and I started talking again after 3 months of no contact. I texted him a couple of times and no reply, so I told him I just wanted us to be friends and he responded. Although he is incredibly nice to me, initiates contact and we have a good time, I’m worried that he only sees me as a friend. Every time he tells me about a woman he went out with, my heart breaks all over again. Should I tell him I still have feelings for him?

  20. He definitely sees you as friend and that’s why he’s comfortable talking to you about the other women he goes out with.

    You can play safe and continue with the way things are. The risk with this is that one day he’s going to meet someone he’s really into, and she may say she does not want him talking to you.

    Or you can be honest with him, and tell him you still have feelings for him.

    1) He may still have feelings for you too, and a new romance will blossom.

    2) He may tell you, friendship is all he can offer you, and let you decide what you want to do… stay in contact or severe all contact.

    3) He may feel tricked and manipulated and want nothing to do with you.

    Whatever the choice, it comes with a risk. This is why I strongly advice against offering “friendship” when you want more than friendship. By saying you just wanted to be friends, you set up your own trap.

  21. Pablo says:

    I told her that I still love her and want her back and she pulled back. This seems to happen every time I tell her how I feel. Maybe it is a mistake to tell her I love her, but I’m afraid that if I don’t contact her or show her that I’m still interested, she’ll think I don’t care and move on. I want her to know that I still want to be with her and I am working to better myself. Do I just be cool and not tell her how I feel? Do I ignore her texts and let her initiate most of the contacts?

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