How Your Ex Really Feels About You – Pt. 2

There are people who just feel bad about themselves no matter who they’re with. They go from one man or woman to another looking to “feel good” but ultimately fail to find what they are looking for and either continue “looking” or end up bitter and resentful because nobody can make them feel good about themselves.

How can you tell if how someone feels has do with you or if it’s their own issues?

The devil is in the details — the details of your relationship.

Intuitively we all seem to know this — at least many of the people I work with do. But for some reason many of us don’t want to believe what we know in our gut because we feel helpless to do anything about it. So what do we do? We look for “other reasons”, usually in the form of general advice on the internet. We read that someone’s ex left them because of x,y or z and we latch onto that, even manage to convince ourselves that THAT is the reason for us as well. And that’s not even the worst part, we start employing strategies that have no relation and no value to our situation — and wonder why nothing is working. It’s like taking medication for a headache to treat a stomach ache. Duh! What do you expect!

Look for the devil in the details of your relationship. What has changed over time? Has your physical appearance changed? Did you settle to routine? Did you get so busy that the relationship was no longer a priority? Did you give up on trying to be the best you can be? etc.

If for example your physical appearance changed over the cause of time, the person may lose that initial feeling because of the way being intimate with someone of your physical appearance makes them feel about themselves. It may make them feel like a loser who can’t find someone “better” or it may make them feel like they’re settling or even make them feel they’re not important enough for you to want to make effort to look good for them.

It may also be that you fight a lot or never communicate and this makes your partner feel frustrated and unhappy. May be the relationship feels stressful and the other person can’t relax or be him/herself around you. Or may be you failed miserably on keeping the romance alive and the other person felt they were “missing” out on something or giving up something. Feeling that they are missing out or giving up on something made them feel bad about themselves and their lives, and consequently the relationship. The worse they felt about themselves, the more they wanted out.

May be the person was initially attracted to your “potential” (or illusion of it) and slowly came to the realization that the future might not be what they imagined it to be. May be you aren’t moving up the “success” ladder, lost your job or are going nowhere fast. The other person may be feeling that being intimate with someone who is not financially secure, has no job or whom they believe is “lazy” makes them less than who they believe themselves to be. Every time you try to be intimate, it reminds them that they must be losers for being intimate with a “loser.”

It’s all about how the feel about themselves. For example, someone who has not made a strong association between financial success and being a loser (or understands the circumstances) may not necessarily feel bad about themselves for being intimate with someone who is not financially secure, has no job or isn’t doing much to improve their circumstances.

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2 Comments

  • Yangki, reading your articles changed the way I feel about breakups and relationships in general. I’ve always felt that when a relationship ends, it’s because the person who ended it does not care anymore about the one he dumped. I never stayed in contact with my exes even when they tried to contact me. My last ex for example called me after 2 months of no contact to tell me his dad died and I didn’t respond. Last night I sat down and wrote my ex a very long email apologizing for being so insensitive to his loss and for the way I reacted to the breakup. I ended it with telling him that I hoped we could stay in contact. I woke up to a long email from him accepting my apology and saying he understands. He apologized for his role in the breakup and said there has not been a single day he hasn’t thought of me. He wants us to stay in contact. I can’t thank you enough for all the great work you are doing, but mostly for helping me see that a breakup doesn’t have to be the end.

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    • Thank you Dalia for your very kind words. I’m tempted to take credit for everything that has happened but it’s really you who deserves all the credit. You acted on what you felt was the right thing to do, and took an emotional risk that paid off. It may end up a great friendship or it may become more… whatever it will be, it’ll be worth it.

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