If He Loved Me Why Did He Leave?

Question: Yangki, I understand what you are saying about relationships sometimes having bumps, that I get. My ex abruptly ended the relationship 2 months ago. No hints or warnings that something was wrong he just dropped the “I love you but not in love with you” bomb one evening before we went to bed. I was stunned since I thought we had a good relationship.

We ended up staying up the whole night with me trying to understand and then begging him to change his mind. That evening he packed his belongings and left the apartment we shared for 3 years. The next day he called to see if I was alright, knowing too well that I wasn’t. If he cared so much for me why did he leave? if he had told me he wasn’t happy in the relationship, we would have talked about it and worked things out, but he chose to leave!

Yangki’s Answer: You have every right to feel confused. It’s hard when you thought everything was going great and then from what it seems like no where, it’s over. That’s hard to deal with.

However, I have been in the business of break-ups for so long to know that people don’t just wake up one day and walk out of a valued relationship.

Most of the time, we feel the relationship is working for us and think it must be working for the other person as well. And often times the other person, because of fear of hurting us, inability to express one’s true feelings or pure malice will not tell us things aren’t working for them. Some others try to tell us but we don’t listen, or we try to “reason’ them out of what they are feelings.

I’ve worked with many people who walked out of relationships so abruptly and most say they tried to communicate (or complained) but their concerns were ignored. Of course it’s also possible that they just didn’t say it in a way that they were heard or didn’t say anything at all.

I’m not so much interested in assigning blame or “demonizing” one or the other party. It doesn’t help anyone. All it does is feed into negativity and hurt feelings.

My advice to you is try (not easy!) to accept that this is his decision, his way of doing what he felt at the time that he needed to do. Let go the need to see things as “they should have been” and start seeing them as they ARE. He wasn’t happy. He left. You are upset and hurt. That’s what is real. Anything else your mind is going on and on and over and over about is self-torture!

If you are trying to get him back, you need to move past “how he left” and figure out “why he left”. He’s not going to come back if the reason he left is still there.

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