Why Couldn’t You Work Things Out Instead Of Breaking Up?

It’s hurts deeply when you thought your relationship meant a lot to both of you and then from what seems like from nowhere, it’s over.

You are left wondering, why did he/she leave? Why didn’t he/she talk to me about what he/she was feeling. We could have worked things out.

And you are right to ask “why” and also right to be angry that your ex chose to break-up rather than work things out. Feeling frustration and even anger is normal.

That said. I have been in the business of break-ups long enough to understand that people don’t just wake up one day and walk out of a valued relationship.

Most of the time, we feel the relationship is working for us and think it must be working for the other person as well. And often times the other person, because of fear of hurting us, inability to express one’s true feelings or pure malice will not tell us things aren’t working for them. Some others try to tell us but we don’t listen, or we try to “reason’ them out of what they are feeling.

I have spoken to many men and women who say, my ex gave this and that reason for the break-up, but I don’t believe her/him. And in the same breath say, “we could have worked things out”.

How could you have worked things out when you can’t even agree on why the break-up happened? How can you work things out when you dismiss, reject or talk past what your ex is trying to communicate to you about why they feel they can’t be in a relationship with you?

If you are stuck in “why” the break-up happened and can’t move on because you don’t have closure, you need to look at how you are thinking about the break-up and how you are processing your emotions. This is what is keeping you stuck. This is what is creating more emotional anguish than is necessary.

If you are trying to get back your ex and keep hitting the re-set button, chances are that you have not properly processed the break-up and your emotions keep getting in the way. You may still be upset that your ex chose to break-up rather than work things out. You may still even harbour resentment for how your ex chose to end the relationship (i.e. by text instead of face-to-face, or just dropping “we’re breaking up” without giving you a chance to explain yourself or plead your case).

You can’t make any meaningful progress until you move past the kind of thinking that’s causing your emotions to get in the way of any efforts towards getting back your ex.

You may even have a real good chance, but every time you hit the re-set button, the odds of you getting back together decrease. With every failed “start-over”, you are telling your ex that starting over is not possible. The relationship can never work.

To see any meaningful progress, the first place to start is within. Anything else is you spinning your wheels until either your ex moves on with someone else or you decide (out of frustration and anger) to “move on” (more like give up).

So before you “give up”, ask yourself “Did I give US a real chance?” or “Am I letting my emotions get the best of me?”

If your emotions are the problem, I recommend getting my book “It’s Just A Break-Up” before you walk away from someone you still love. Work on those emotions and give yourselves a real decent chance!

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  • I’ve been asking myself the very same question. She did try her best and finally gave up when I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain. She says she’s too tired to want to try again. She basically given up and I don’t blame her.

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  • Thank you for writing such a wonderful book. It opened my eyes to the fact that as much I’d like to think he treated me unfairly, I need to be honest with myself. I wasn’t emotionally honest with myself, with him or anyone else. I was hiding behind my own lies and distortions of the truth. It was very self serving.

    I read in your book the guidelines for bringing up things about the breakup and we have spoken a couple of times. We answered most of each other’s unanswered questions but there was no animosity. I guess because I was mentally and emotionally prepared. I had lied to him so much and he deserved to know nothing but the whole truth. Although very painful, it is liberating for me to get it all out in the open. Now he seems more open whereas before he was angry and distant.

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