Question: I’m falling apart and really need your advice. My gf and I have been together for 2 years. We’re both in our 30s, independent with great careers. About 4 months ago we started having arguments which led to spending less and less time together. So when she texted me in May saying we needed to talk, I assumed she was going to breakup with me. Before she could say anything I told her we needed a break to work on ourselves and what we really wanted in a partner. She said she was shocked that I felt that way and wished we had talked about it to prevent a breakup. In my pride I could not bring myself to tell her I only said we needed a break because I was so afraid she was going to breakup with me.
She told me it’d be best if we did not contact each other so she can heal faster. I made the stupidest mistake of my entire life. I love this woman more than anything in this world. I can’t stop crying and have lost over 20lbs since May. I sent her a couple of texts but all she wrote was “I need time to heal.” I want her back in my life, please help me. What should I do?
Yangki’s Answer: I agree with you. That was a stupid thing to do.
I don’t think there is any other way round this than swallow your pride and go back to her and tell the truth. She obviously didn’t want to breakup up with you and was shocked and very hurt that’s why she said she needed (and still needs) time to heal. Her heart is broken and her self-esteem may be suffering since she was not expecting you to say you are not sure she is the partner you want.
Knowing that you did not want to breakup with her either may help things a little. I don’t think it’ll make her want to come back to you, at least not right away (or even ever) but if her feelings for you are still strong, it’ll get her to think things over instead of trying to move on with her life (without you).
The faster you contact her — preferably face to face since the breakup was face to face — the better. Tell her why you said you needed a break and let her decide what she wants to do.
Do not — and I repeat, please do not – tell her you want her back. Not now. Not yet.
This is very crucial because when someone is hurting that bad, all they want to do is lessen the pain and protect themselves from getting hurt again. When forced to make a decision, they’ll most likely make a premature one — one based on how they feel at the time. I bet you anything, it’s going to be a “NO!”. Even though that’s not what she really wants, her pain will be speaking for her and telling her she’ll get burned again if she says “yes”.
So avoid the “let’s get back together” topic completely. Just make sure you let her know how much she means to you, how you contributed to things being the way they are and how you regret your role in what happened.
When talking about how much she means to you, the “you’re so beautiful” elementary school blah blah doesn’t cut it. A woman in her 30s needs to hear she’s more than a pretty face. So dig deep. Also no “I’m very sorry” (not yet). Before you say “I’m sorry” you need to have really spent time to really “know” what you’re sorry about. Just saying it for “effect” may backfire if you’re apologizing for things that she doesn’t think are the real issues. She may conclude you just don’t get it — and will never get it.
Tell her you don’t expect anything from her except may be that the two of you maintain some kind of contact so you know how she’s doing because you care about her (as a wonderful person). Leave the ball in her court.
In the meantime use that “waiting for her to decide” time to work on yourself. And please don’t do something stupid again like tell her you can’t wait for ever! ! You made the mess, the adult thing to do is clean it up.