I Told Her I Love Her, She Broke Up With Me

Question: My now ex and I started dating about three months ago but last week she told me she didn’t want to continue the relationship. This all came as a shock to me. We never had any fights or major disagreements but the last few weeks before she broke it off, I noticed she was distant.

Having had the time to look back, she started getting distant when I told her that I loved her. She never said I love you back or anything. She just fell silent and I thought she was just thinking about it. I probably went too fast for her by telling all these things but I also think that may be she is scared of her feelings for me. It was intense. I still think about her all the time and want her back. Based on your experience do you think that I have a shot at getting her back? I’ve texted and emailed her a few times and she responds but just with friendly politeness. Is there hope?

Yangki’s Answer: One thing I’ve learned over the years is that there is always hope where true love is concerned. I can’t tell you how many times – to this day and with all my experience – I’m still surprised at how love works. Just when it looked like it was never going to happen, love does its thing again! I wake up each morning wondering “what’s love going to do today?”

The questions in your situation are: how much of it was true love and how much of it was merely “chemistry?” But more importantly, how much of what you “felt” as love did she feel? Did you do enough to make her feel what you felt?

It’s quite possible for one person to feel in love and the other to want to get to know each other first before falling in love. It’s also possible for one person to feel like things are “perfect” and for the other to feel like “this is not what I want.”

Since you’re still in contact — which is always a good thing in my opinion – my advice is spend some time getting to really know this woman instead of getting carried away by how she makes you feel. I’d not be surprised if you getting all carried away is what made her feel like she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.

There is a school of thought out there that says emotional train wrecks have no emotional brakes. If you can’t regulate your emotions and feelings, people assume something is “wrong” with you or with the relationship.

So step back from your “feelings” – and that includes all the stuff about how much you love her, how special she is blah… blah…  All that stuff sounds romantic but it’s not what true love is built on.

Pay more attention to the woman you say you love. Find what makes this particular woman tick. The “all women think/feel/do” mindset will really mess you up because every woman is different (different genes, upbringing, beliefs, attitudes, societal and cultural influences, and positive and negative personal experiences that shape her character, needs, wants and behaviour).

What does she really want in a partner, in a relationship, in life?  What’s important to her? What keeps her awake at night? What makes her laugh? What makes her excited? What’s her deepest fear, her darkest hour, the hardest fight she’s ever fought, the dream she didn’t want to wake up from – all that Bryan Adams inside out stuff. Dig down deep, plug into her very “core” and then focus your attention on creating an environment of love, trust, respect, nurturance, passion, fun, pleasure, enjoyment, intimacy, personal growth etc.

Don’t just tell her you love her or try to convince her of how much you love her. If she ever comes back because you “convinced” her (I say “ever” because it’s close to impossible to persuade someone to love you), at some point, she’ll “un convince” herself and leave again. Let her feel it for herself and fall in love with how you make her feel about herself, about love, about being in a relationship, about life and about being alive in general.

If the chemistry that first drew you together is still there — and if you do this right, you’ll be surprised just how naturally you draw closer and closer.

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11 Comments

  • This is the most profound post I’ve read about love and I read it almost daily. I never understood what my girlfriend meant when telling me she wants to feel my love, that words aren’t enough. After this post and reading through your blog I actually get it. Your blog makes me want to focus on being a better person and progressing into someone I would fall in love with. To see the qualities I desire in a partner within myself. Thank you!

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  • Our relationship ended because I expressed too much love for him. He said it made him uneasy since we had only been dating for 6 weeks. I should have listened to what he was trying to say but instead I just ended it. I have since apologized for overreacting and although we’re not back together he still responds to my emails and texts. I want to do what you’re advising here. I guess where I’m confused is how do I start asking him all those questions about himself? I can’t ask him what he wants in a partner and relationship because I think it’ll make him uneasy again.

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    • The original question was about “is there hope” but I’m glad you asked “where do I start?”

      You’re right, given where things are between the two of you right now asking him what he wants in a partner and relationship will make him uneasy again. In addition to the usual, “hi, how are you?” or “what are you doing?” type of questions, ask some “emotional questions”. Start with something he shared with you when you were together and you know he deeply cares about and then build on that. Just make sure you say it in a way that you’re believable. If he senses any manipulation or dishonesty on your part, he’ll never trust any future attempts by you to connect on an emotional level and may even completely close the door to any possibility of getting back together.

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  • I’m a pretty forward guy and tell women how I feel. That’s been mistaken for too needy and weak. I’ve even been called a “nice guy” but I’m not going to change who I am. I’ll keep looking for that woman who appreciates a guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve. I absolutely have no interest in immature women who want guys who play hard to get.

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  • I find men who are a pleasure to talk to very attractive. If I ask a guy a question and he doesn’t answer, I assume he is hiding something or has nothing to say about it. Either way, I lose interest. At the same time I don’t like men who blabber nonstop. Men who talk too much are just not attractive.

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  • This is what I don’t understand with women. If you don’t tell them you love them all the time, they leave because you’re emotionally cold. If you tell them you love all the time, they leave because you’re emotionally weak. What do women want?

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    • Different women want different things…. 🙂

      The mistake some men make is assume women are a homogeneous species and therefore want the same thing. No wonder they find themselves running around in circles. It’s good to have a general idea of what the “majority” of women want but if you’re hoping to get into a relationship that is fulfilling on all levels, the question you should be asking is “what does this individual woman want?”

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  • And I thought women want to know everything about me because they want to annoy me. lol

    Kidding aside, I am not used to being asked so many questions about myself and tend to wall out. All my ex-girlfriends complained about it. It may explain why I’m still single although I have all the qualities I think women look for in a guy. I recently figured out if I don’t open up, I’ll be alone playing computer games for the rest of my life.

    Great post again.

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  • I agree with what you say about paying attention to someone but my experience with women is that if you tell her everything about you she will no longer be interested in you and she will not want you because she will think that you are “boring”.

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    • I don’t think the reason women lose interest is because you told them everything about you. The reason they lose interest is because what you told them about you is “boring”. Boring people live boring lives and talk about boring things in a boring manner. That’s what causes someone to lose interest. And it’s not just women who lose interest once they perceive you as “boring”, men do too.

      But “boring” is relative. What may be “boring” to one person may be interesting/exciting to another. So either you try to connect with women who are interested in the things you’re interested in or learn some ways in which to make conversation – any conversation – interesting (confidence, human warmth, humour, body language etc).

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