‘I Love You’ May Not Always Mean ‘I, Love You’

i-love-you-may-not-always-mean-i-love-youJust mere semantics, right? Not so fast.

According to relational communication expert Sean Horan, an assistant professor at DePaul University in the College of Communication, affectionate behaviour is not all that it seems. “Gestures such as hand holding, kissing and cuddling could be indicators that your partner is mad at you,” explained Horan.

In the study “Understanding the Routine Expression of Deceptive Affection in Romantic Relationships,” forthcoming in Communication Quarterly, co-author Horan examined how and why deceptive affectionate behaviour occurs.

Deceptive affection means that an individual in a romantic relationship chooses to express affection he or she does not actually feel, according to the findings.

Horan, along with co-author Melanie Booth-Butterfield, a professor at West Virginia University, discovered that non-married individuals expressed deceptive affection about three times a week to romantic partners.

“Couples use deceptive affection because they feel negatively about their partner and want to save face, avoid embarrassing their partner or sidestep a situation that may land them in hot water,” said Horan.

Examples of this kind of deception include lying about one’s own feelings or feelings about a partner and expressing affection instead of negative feelings, he noted.

One participant confessed she didn’t want to hug or cuddle her boyfriend because she was in a bad mood but did so anyway. Another told his girlfriend he loved her to get off the phone faster so he could watch a basketball game. And when one woman’s boyfriend asked if she liked his new haircut, she lied and said she did, in order to spare his feelings.

According to the study’s findings, couples use verbal and non-verbal affection in hopes that a sweet caress or profession of love will mask their true feelings.

However, don’t let paranoia kick in and assume your love will wilt faster than Valentine’s Day roses. Horan noted that this isn’t necessarily negative behaviour.

“Using affection to lie appears to be a regular activity in romantic relationships that most people don’t seem to mind,” he said. “In fact, deceptive affection might actually help maintain a relationship.”

Really? Since when did faking feelings help maintain a real relationship? A fake relationship, yes, but a real relationship? I’m no “expert”, but I think this is exactly THE problem with today’s relationships. Advice like this!

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2 Comments

  • You are absolutely right Yangki. Anyone with any degree of emotional intelligence will pick on this false affection sooner or later, and then what? Obviously he or she will start to wonder why exactly his/her partner wanted to conceal. Lying in any form is bad call in my book.

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    • I wish I could take credit for the study, but it’s some else’s work.

      You do make a very valid point, “then what?”

      I too believe that “lying” is bad, but I understand why some people feel obligated to lie, sometimes.

      Say you went to visit your partner’s family… and you thought his mother was really “ugly” or bossy etc . After the visit, he asks you, “So, what do you think about my mother?”

      I think I might write an article on “lying is bad”…:)

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