My Ex Changed But I Still Have Doubts

my-ex-changed-but-i-still-have-doubtsQuestion: My ex has really been making attempts to be a better person and for the past month things have really been good between us. He’s addressing the issues I told him were wrong with the relationship. He pays more attention to me and is affectionate; something I always complained was lacking in the relationship. You’d think I’d be happy about this but I’m not. Somewhere in my gut I know we are just not compatible as we want different things and can’t give each other what the other wants. I love him and care for him a lot but we have tried and given it many chances but to no avail. Every time I convince myself that things will work out this time around we end up where we began. I feel guilty because he’s made so much effort to try to be a better person. It just won’t work.

Yangki’s Answer: First of all, I do not think you should feel guilty for wanting what you want. It’s better to be honest with oneself and with your partner about what you want than play him along.

That said, if he has changed so much in the direction that you want – or at least on things you told him were wrong in the relationship, why are you still using the “old him” and the “old relationship” to determine if things will work or not?

Keep in mind that there are three types of lovers. One with whom you kind of “click” in that each feels the other is giving what the other wants. Then there are those lovers that really try and give all they can (at the time) but it just isn’t enough even hard as they try. The third category are those that can give more to you and to the relationship (or could try harder) but just don’t want to for one reason or another.

If you love him and sincerely believe that he is giving the relationship his best and not just saying he has changed or acting like he has just to try to get you back, I suggest giving yourselves a chance to see if the changes he’s made will translate into a new and better relationship. Start with say, a month and see what that is like. Then two months or whatever time frame you decide. If you still feel that you want different things and can’t give each other what the other wants then sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about how it is just not working out.

Also instead of just saying “it just won’t work”, be specific as to what it is exactly that is making it not work. That way you both know that if the relationship didn’t work out, it’s because of things that are “beyond your control” not due to lack of communication or effort from either side.

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2 Comments

  • After a yr of improving where I need to on myself and maturing a great deal, I am ready to make that giant leap and settle down because she is without a doubt the person i wanna spend my life with, and I told her all of this. At first she said she was willing to talk about it, then caught herself and said “No, just friends”. She has a wall up because of the emotional hurt she suffered after the breakup. What should I do? Please help

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    • Trying to convince your ex to get back with you does not work. You have to start over and give her reason to believe it can and will work. This is what this site is for. Spend some time reading, I think that you’ll find it very useful.

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