Question: I’ m seeing a guy who has almost all the qualities I look in a man but he is too nice and too needy. At first I enjoyed the attention. He was always buying me stuff, always attentive and there for me but now everything he does gets on my nerves. I want a strong and confident guy with a backbone but it seems that these days all the guys out there are either too aggressive or too needy. How do I tell him that he needs to back off and let things develop naturally?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: You didn’t give me details on what you mean by “too needy”. Needy people tend to fall into two categories 1) overly pleasing, overwhelm you with affection, constantly calling etc (a.k.a Nice Guy Type) and 2) pushy, demanding, controlling etc (a.k.a. Bad Boy Type).
Each of them approach relationships differently and react differently to situations. So you need to understand what/who you’re dealing with to have some idea of how to deal with the person.
1) If he is a player and senses that you’re slowly losing the attraction, he will “dump” you to save face. If you are okay with him dumping you in that you don’t have to do the nasty, then that’s okay. If not, don’t’ encourage him to think he has a chance (of dumping you). Be honest with him and tell him you’re losing the attraction because he is too “needy”. There is only one language players understand “back off!”.
2) If he seems like a really great guy you’d like to get to know better, tell him you like him (and say what you like about him) but you’d like to get to know him even better and see where things go. Then make it VERY CLEAR to him that neediness in another person is not something you find attractive. Make sure you explain clearly what “needy” means for you e.g. calling every other minute, trying too hard to please etc. You’ll be surprised that most needy people don’t even know their behaviour comes across as “too needy”. They think they’re just being “loving” and can’t help themselves.
3) If he is coming on strong sexually and you sort of like him but not ready to be sexually intimate; you can say the physical aspect of the relationship is very important to you, and you want to make sure that when you kiss him etc., it means something deeper and meaningful. But right now, you don’t feel you’re there yet. If he acts up, then you know what this is all about.
4) If he comes across as somehow “emotionally unstable” (e.g. displays erratic emotional outbursts or drastic up and down mood swings) then you might have someone who is controlling or abusive on your hands. If you’re uncomfortable to the point that you find yourself agitated/irritated/turned off, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT when it says something is not right.
When all is said and done, remember that the dating process is really about learning about who you really are. But if you’re so turned off by someone, then there is nothing you can learn about yourself from that person except that guys like that turn you off