Wednesday April 23rd 2014

Help! I Like Him But Not Sexually Attracted

Question: I’ m seeing a guy who has almost all the qualities I look in a man but he is too nice and too needy. At first I enjoyed the attention.  He was always buying me stuff, always attentive and there for me but now everything he does gets on my nerves. I want a strong and confident guy with a backbone but it seems that these days all the guys out there are either too aggressive or too needy. How do I tell him that he needs to back off and let things develop naturally?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: You didn’t give me details on what you mean by “too needy”. Needy people tend to fall into two categories 1) overly pleasing, overwhelm you with affection, constantly calling etc (a.k.a Nice Guy Type) and 2) pushy, demanding, controlling etc (a.k.a. Bad Boy Type).

Each of them approach relationships differently and react differently to situations. So you need to understand what/who you’re dealing with to have some idea of how to deal with the person.

1) If he is a player and senses that you’re slowly losing the attraction, he will “dump” you to save face. If you are okay with him dumping you in that you don’t have to do the nasty, then that’s okay. If not, don’t’ encourage him to think he has a chance (of dumping you). Be honest with him and tell him you’re losing the attraction because he is too “needy”. There is only one language players understand “back off!”.

2) If he seems like a really great guy you’d like to get to know better, tell him you like him (and say what you like about him) but you’d like to get to know him even better and see where things go. Then make it VERY CLEAR to him that neediness in another person is not something you find attractive.  Make sure you explain clearly what “needy” means for you e.g. calling every other minute, trying too hard to please etc. You’ll be surprised that most needy people don’t even know their behaviour comes across as “too needy”. They think they’re just being “loving” and can’t help themselves.

3) If he is coming on strong sexually and you sort of like him but not ready to be sexually intimate; you can say the physical aspect of the relationship is very important to you, and you want to make sure that when you kiss him etc., it means something deeper and meaningful. But right now, you don’t feel you’re there yet. If he acts up, then you know what this is all about.

4) If he comes across as somehow “emotionally unstable” (e.g. displays erratic emotional outbursts or drastic up and down mood swings) then you might have someone who is controlling or abusive on your hands. If you’re uncomfortable to the point that you find yourself agitated/irritated/turned off, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT when it says something is not right.

When all is said and done, remember that the dating process is really about learning about who you really are. But if you’re so turned off by someone, then there is nothing you can learn about yourself from that person except that guys like that turn you off :)

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6 Responses to “Help! I Like Him But Not Sexually Attracted”

  1. Brad says:

    I am mid 30′s male, average looking, in good physical shape and outgoing but women just seem not to be sexually attracted to me. Women often tell me that I’m a “nice guy” and any woman would be lucky to have me. I’ve had many relationships in the past where I’ve become “good” friends with the women I’m sexually attracted to and with all her friends/buddies. Many times I just ended up staying in the friend zone and then she’d find some other guy who had nothing to do with her girl-buddies. I don’t want to be the “buddy” that women hang out with. What can I do to avoid falling into this trap?

  2. Let me guess, you also carry her purse and send her buddies little cute cards just to say you’re thinking about them. The reason you find yourself in this “loop” is because you just don’t know any other way to get a woman to “like” you other than act like one of her girl-buddies (to use your own phrase). This kind of behaviour may get you a spot in the “buddy club” but that’s just about it, no pass to the bedroom.

    Ask some of your closer women pals just where you’re going wrong and then put yourself to work communicating your sexual self in subtle ways. Make it crystal clear to the woman you’re interested in that you’re interested in her as a ‘woman” and not as “just a friend”. Compliment her. Make eye contact. Indulge in a little sexual innuendo (only if you’re aware the difference between charming wit and tacky sleaze). Poke her arm gently when you tease. The flirting, the touching etc – needs to seem breezy, confident, spontaneous, meaningless, and most importantly, goalless.

    I’ve written many articles on sexual invisibility and how a Nice Guy can minimize his negative points and capitalize on his positives. See the articles button above.

  3. NiceGuy says:

    I want to show her that I’m confident and strong but at the same time I am afraid of “scaring” her off.

  4. You can’t be confident and at the same time be controlled by “fear”. Fear is a strong emotion that takes over when you’re not even aware of it. It’s also very possible that fear of “scaring her off” is what makes you act in ways that make you appear not confident and strong.

  5. Mayra says:

    Ok so I’ve been dating this guy for about 5months. He’s a great guy,sweet,romantic,spoils me and my two kids. Sounds like the perfect guy huh but one Big problem I’m not attracted to him.. He smothers me toooo much gets on my nerves and annoyes me… i don’t know what to do I’m so confuse.. please tell me what u think.

  6. I think you’re confused and get annoyed because you’re forcing yourself to be with someone you are not attracted to. It’s not him who is getting on your nerves, you are on your own nerves because of your inner conflict. I also think you are not being fair to this guy by letting him spoil you and your two kids when you’re not even attracted to him. That’s playing with someone’s heart. If you’re with someone it has to be because you want to be with him but not because he spoils you.

    I’m sure this is not what you expected to hear, but you asked for what I think… (:

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