Question: I was with my ex for 4 years and broke up 8 months ago. He’s my best friend and knows me better than anybody else. I don’t feel like I have to impress him. We broke up because we had different thoughts and opinions on life, religion, politics, etc. Sometimes we would argue and neither of us would give in. Everything else about our relationship was working really well. The breakup hurt both of us deeply but our differences were too much. We both felt it was the right thing to do because we didn’t want to end up hating each other. We made a pact that we would remain friends no matter what. I’m dating someone else, and so is he. We talk to each other everyday and we both enjoy each other’s company. The thing is… I still get butterflies when I see him. He just has that effect on me. Other than the occasional hi and bye hug, we’ve not been physically intimate since the break up. He is and has been a great big part of my life, I do not want to lose the friendship we have. Am I making a mistake keeping close contact with him?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: First of all, congratulations for the level of maturity the two of you have shown. It’s not always that two people recognize that the end of a romantic relationship doesn’t have to be the begining of nastiness or disrespect and hate for the person one once claimed to love.
That said, friendship with an ex can be difficult to maintain when one still feeling butterflies at the sight of an ex. Whether or not it’s a mistake keeping in close contact with your ex depends on what you do with those feelings.
From personal experience and from years of experience working with hundreds of men and women going through similar situations, over time, you get past the butterflies feeling. It doesn’t mean those feelings will be replaced with bad feelings but that those feelings change and what is left is a lasting friendship based on deep respect and appreciation. You may even find that your lives just move in different directions but the good memories remain.
That’s just one scenario. It’s also possible that those feelings may be brought to the surface more and more often and can ruin the “friends” portion of the arrangement. I’ve seen some people try to do the friends with benefits thing as away to deal with the left over strong feelings of sexual attraction but almost always someone ends up getting hurt when the other person moves on.
The third scenario is that the two of you might be realizing that what you have is so much stronger than the differences that drew you apart in the first place. But this is where you have to be really honest with yourself. Do you want him back? What has changed in regard to your differences? What makes you think that it’ll work this time? But more importantly, does he want you back?
Talk to your ex about what’s really going on. Given what you say about your friendship, onluy good can come out of an open discussion on your true feelings for each other. A good talk will help both of you decide on the right and necessarily thing to do in the best interest of the other.
If you decide that creating some distance between the two of you is the best thing to do, then make sure you agree on exactly how much contact is healthy at this time or in the future. You have experience working together and it shouldn’t be too hard given the strength of your friendship.
No one rules works for all, you have to find what works for the two of you.
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I think it’s impossible to be friends with an Ex. I have never remained friends with any of my Exs.
i tried being friends with an ex once and it did not work at all. exs are exs for a reason.
Kathy and sexpotus, that is your experience and you probably have good reasons for thinking the way you do. Some exs can’t be friends and others shouldn’t be, especailly if the chemistry is toxic. Every relationship however, is different. A lot depends on the type of relationship and the two people involved.
I’m going through a very recent break up. I‘m hurting so badly partly because ex says we can’t be friends because he’s hurting. I want us to become friends and may be we can work things out slowly. I really don’t want him out of my life. Should I continue trying to be his friend or just give up?
Ending a relationship hurts no matter who ends it. Give him his time to get over his hurt and come around on his own. You can’t force a friendship and trying so hard to be his friend will only make him angry. All you can at this point do is let him know that in spite and despite of what happened, you as a person can be counted on as a friend. As he nurses his hurt, keep busy enjoying your separate life. The last thing you want is for him to think is that you are waiting at his beck and call.
I am following your eBook and keeping in contact with my ex girlfriend as friends, we talk and things have been warming up somewhat. A couple of weeks ago I asked her if she’ll give us another chance and she said she’s not ready. I asked her if she’ll at least think about it and she said yes. Do you think that if I distanced myself a little bit that may be she’ll realize how much she misses me and come back?
It’s obvious she still feels something for you and is telling you to wait for her. Why would you want to jeopardize that with something as risky as “distancing” yourself? She might think you decided to move on because she wasn’t ready or even think that may be you met someone else. As I wrote in the eBook, use the “friend-zone” as a stepping pad while pushing the boundaries of the friendship. If after a while she doesn’t bring up the “where we are at “conversation (most women usually do) ask her again. Life is about taking chances and if you fail, at least you know you tried your best.
I think that she really doesn’t want us to be friends and only said it because it’s what people say when they are breaking up with somebody.
There are several reasons as to why someone will say “let’s be friends” when they break up with you.
1) He/she feels guilt for breaking up with you
2) He/she is trying to be kind and thinks sh/e is helping you through the pain of the breakup
3) He/she wants to keep you as a backup plan for when s/he’s feeling lonely or horny
4) He/she does not want you out of her/his life but does not want you as a lover either
5) He/she hopes that the two of you will someday get back together and friendship is the bridge to that.
Without knowing exactly what she said or did to make you feel that she really doesn’t want to be friends, it’s hard to tell which is which.
My ex said he wants us to be friends but he never makes any efforts to initiate contact or hang out. I email him every three days and call once a week but he is the one who always ends the conversation. I don’t know what to do anymore. Help me.
As I wrote in my eBook, in the initial stages of the process, the person trying to get the other back usually does most of the initiating contact — until the other person begins to warm up. I also said, just initiating contact means little if the contacts are not creating some sort of emotional benefit. This is what warms things up — it’s not about quantity of contact but the emotional quality of the contact. Try adding a little “emotional value” to the contact for a couple of weeks, and if he still isn’t warming up, talk to him about how you feel. You’ll be surprised that most guys are clueless as to how their actions affect you. If he really wants to be a friend, he’ll show that “he cares”.
2 months of silence and last night she texted asking if we can be “just friends.” I was very happy to hear from her after trying for so long to get her to talk to me again. She said she received all my texts and emails but wanted space to figure out what she wants. I still love her but at the same time I don’t want to end up just her friend. I want her back. I don’t want to be the guy whose shoulder she cries on when another guy breaks her heart. How should I respond?
Something along the lines of happy to hear from her, talk a little about your life (highlighting the new positive changes/happenings, but don’t over do it), then ease into asking her what she means by “just friends” and end with you’ll keep in touch (your own words/style so it sounds somewhat familiar and reassuring). When she responds, see how the terms fit with your long term goals and if necessary negotiate the terms of the “just friends” zone. Always aim at cooperation rather than conflict. If you need help with this, just sign up for a phone session and we can go through it together.
How do I add a little “emotional value” to our contacts?
Something of emotional value is that which increases our level of comfort, curiosity, pleasure, delight and deep satisfaction, builds trust and strengthens our relationships. This is different for each person. I don’t know anything about your ex to be able to zero on what might be of “emotional value” to him, but you do. Think back to some mutually-shared positive experiences and use that knowledge to create new experiences of emotional value. Fror example, if your ex loves Sci-Fi movies and you recently watched one you thought he might have loved it if the two of you watched it together. Instead of telling him about the movie, talk about how it made you FEEL in ways that he can actually experience those feelings in real time. Works like a charm…
. Also see my article: How To Make Your Ex Miss You Enough To Want You Back
My ex and I agreed that we’d remain friends but it’s getting harder and harder for me when she tells me what a wonderful date she had. I don’t think she’s trying to make me jealous, she’s not like that. I just think she does not realize how much it hurts hearing her talk about other guys. I feel betrayed and hurt.
From what you say, your ex sounds like a caring person, so why not just be honest and tell her that you want to be happy for her, but you’re human and it hurts to hear her talk about other guys. If you don’t speak up she might think you’re okay with it. You on the other hand will be stewing with hurt and anger until one day you just can’t take it anymore and blow up. Talking calmly about what is bothering you keeps you in control of your emotions and gets you a calmer and kinder response.
I was with my ex for 4 yrs and then i left him he was just going out and having fun and i guess he was not ready to be with me anymore well its been 3 years without being with him and ever since me and him left each other he always comes back to me somehow i got tired of that he was just playing games with me .so i got with someone else and i been with him for the past 2 yrs and we have a beautiful little girl that i love so much. Some how ex came back to my life and idk what to do i still love him and i think i will always will love him but the point is that i have a family know and he also has a family but i try to forget about him but somehow he always in my life idk what to do?
I think the problem is more with you than it is with your ex. That’s WHO you need to do something about first and foremost. Make up your mind on what is most important to you – a man who wants to be with you and a beautiful little girl or an ex who plays games with you? Secondly, accept that you may always have those feelings of love for your ex but just because you still love him does not mean you have to have a relationship (and from what you say, a toxic relationship one) with him. Thirdly, if having him in your life interferes with your ability to enjoy the stable and happy life you now have with your family, then tell him you can’t have him in your life. Say it like you mean it and follow through. Like I said, this is not about your ex always coming back into your life, this is about you always letting your ex back into you life!
He says he wants to be friends for right now and that there is a chance we might get back together in the future. We hang out every once in a while but he is usually too busy working or hanging out with his friends. How can we get back together when we barely spend time together? I am just so confused about the whole thing.
If being friends for a while will increase your chances of getting back together then don’t blow it. However, if there seems to be nothing that actually shows that he’s even trying to be a friend, then you need to raise this with him. Not about “getting back together” but about the two of you spending more time together. His response will tell you if you really have a chance of getting back together or he’s just stringing you along – for whatever reaosns.
I bought your eBook because my ex has said he is not ready to come back but wants a close friendship (not sexual). Recently I have not contacted him on and off and have pulled back and I know he misses me. I want to stay close friends with him and get him back someday but wonder if it is worth trying to talk through the hurtful things he said to me after we broke up.
I don’t think bringing that up will help you at all. You already said you have communication problems, I think that it may just create more tension and your ex may even decide that close friendship is not possible. So let it slide — for now. Focus more on creating positive feelings and emotions and memories and if you do this well, the rest will take care of itself — naturally. When you do this really well — and I wrote it in my e-Book– you will just know when it’s time to bring up the topic of getting back together. You may even find that he is the one who will bring it up.
Just don’t give up if you still have a chance.
My ex and I broke up in august after dating for three years, we have only talked on and off when we run into each other or meet at a mutual friends house. We have recently started talking again and he has told me that he wants me back. I read your article and he is showing all the signs that he has truly changed and i think that it might be able to work. My concern is me. He is a great guy and sometimes i think that he is into the relationship a lot more than i am. I am scared that he will get hurt if we try again. How do i know if I really want to get back together with him and that things will work again. Sometime i know i want him back and can work things out but than there are other days when i think there is someone better for him out there and that i am not the right girl for him.
If he has truly changed and you say he is a great guy, why do you think he’ll get hurt again? Sounds more like you’re scared you will get hurt rather than scared he will get hurt. You’re rightfully to be concerned about you. The fact that on some days you think that there is someone better for him out there says it’s more your issues than his that will make this not work.
Do you feel not good enough for him? Where you acting out your insecurities/inadequacies? Is that why you broke up? If this has not been worked on and resolved, YES he will get hurt if you try again. When you no longer feel that there is someone better for him out there (and he I might go for her), then you can try to make it work, otherwise things will not work going into the same old dynamics.
My Girlfried and I broke up about two months ago but we still talk and hang out a bit. I am still crazy for her and would do anything to get her back. Is it a good idea to keep hanging out or should I just kinda move on. Also how do I no if she regains feelings for me?
My post Signs Your Ex Is Becoming Interested Again answers your question.
My ex wants us to remain friends and I find it disturbing that I should not be able to understand it. My brother and his ex consider each other friends and I know they genuinely care for each other as friends but I can’t seem to get to that point with my ex.
This could be because you still want her as your girlfriend and not friend. Until you reach that point where you “let go” hoping there will be a relationship of more than friends, it’ll be hard to get to being friends. Best advice is 1) be honest with your ex, friendship may be possible in the future, but right now you just can’t do it and 2) don’t try too hard to be her friend. Friendships are best when they just happen naturally.
Do I have to be friendly to my ex?
You don’t “have to” do anything you don’t want to do. But if you want a chance at getting back together, a friendly attitude goes a long way. You can’t be unfriendly to someone and expect them to fall back in love with you.
Remember being friendly is not the same as being “just a friend”. The former is about a way of behaving and the later is a title — which if not clearly defined from the beginning might later prove to be hard to shake off.
Friends with an ex (cough) seems like an oxymoron — two people who can’t stand each other ending up friends. I just can’t understand it. “Civil” is about all I can be with my exes. My belief is that when the “together” time is up, both people should move on.
There is no shame in loving someone and admitting that you still love them but not in the same way as before. My ex and I were together for 5 years, and lived together the 2 years we were engaged. We both realized that even though we loved each other and were great as friends we just couldn’t live together. 6 months after our breakup I was diagnosed with cancer, my ex was there with me through the whole journey. He will always remain my best friend.
Elisa, it’s so touching that your ex was there for you when you needed a friend. As the saying goes, “a friend in need, is a friend indeed.” It is a shame when two people share so much joy and happiness, only to treat other as enemies or cut all ties afterwards.
Wishing you the best of health — and a joy-love-filled life. You deserve it.
Thank you Yangki. I’m cancer free, and have been for over a year. I’m dating someone new and so is my ex, and the four of us are good friends. I was lucky to meet someone who also is friends with his ex, so he understands our (my ex and I) friendship and I understand his too. We have our ups and down just like all new relationships and that’s why I’m on your blog, but we love each other and trying to build the most loving relationship we can possible have. I believe when we allow love to be at the centre of our life, that love comes back to us manyfold.
Cancer free — those are beautiful words! And even though I’m a stranger to you, I’ve very happy for you!
I too believe that when we’re love-filled, love fills our lives in ways we can’t even begin to count. You’re living proof…):
The answer to “Is friendship with your ex a mistake?” is YES. It is too complex and just doesn’t work. I’ve never seen it work with anyone I know because it is not possible. Most people just want to move on and have nothing to do with their ex and that’s how it should be. As much as it hurts not being with that person, it is better in the long run. Do not fool yourselves.
It depends on each individual relationship. If the relationship was based on a strong friendship to start with, being friends with an ex after some reasonable amount of time almost happens naturally as long as both individuals are honest about the situation. If on the other hand, the relationship was just romantic and you weren’t friends to begin with, or hadn’t been together long enough to build a strong friendship, becoming friends after a break up will be very hard.
The problem is that most people don’t really ever try to work on being friends with the person they are dating. Everyone is rushing to “romance” and when that’s over. Nothing is left.
Your website is so helpful and spreads such a positive message. My ex broke up with me two months ago after 5 years. I still loved him but he says for the moment we can only be friends to see if we got anything left. I hope one day he realizes that what we got is so much more valuable.
Thank you for helping those of us out here who need your encouraging words.
I’m friends with all my exes except those that don’t want to be friends. The western consumer mentality has made it easy for people to also be disposable. I personally believe this has it’s tragedies and like many things will come back to haunt our society. It’s already happening with hit and run marriages. No desire to work on relationships, just dispose of it and get another one. We are creating a society of emotionally shallow men and women, no depth at all.
“…hit and run marriages“. That’s a gem right there!… ):
I hate to admit it, but you are right about consumer mentality. Sad though…
It’d be nice to remain friends with my ex and I’m happy for those people who can do it. But for me, but I have to break the ties with him or I will never be able to move on. I know this is what is best because I can’t move on with my life until I am free of the connection to that old part of my life.
Recognizing your OWN limits and acting on your deepest conviction without necessarily blaming others for acting on theirs, is very admirable. You’ll do just fine… ):