For whatever reason, you were not happy in the relationship and decided to end it. The next thing you know – your ex has completely cut you off. They unfriended you, blocked you, won’t respond to your texts and will not pick up the phone. It’s like he/she disappeared off the face of the earth. No reason. No explanation. Nothing.
Should you fall for the “no contact” ploy and pursue someone who is acting like a sulking child who doesn’t know how to take “no” or “not now” for an answer?
It depends on whether you believe emotional abuse has a place in a healthy relationship. Look, it doesn’t matter how you cut this cake, someone suddenly cutting off all contact in an attempt to get you anxious, fearful, feel rejected, doubt your own desirability, confused and depressed is not love – and you need to recognize it for what it is – emotional abuse.
When someone uses “silent treatment”, the “cold shoulder treatment” or “no contact” to get you to comply and do what they want, or give them what they want, it’s a behaviour learned from childhood with a parent or key caregiver. A parent or caregiver denies a child attention, affection or love as a way of punishing, hurting, manipulating or controlling him or her; young, innocent and vulnerable, a child gives in or does as told to regain the parent or caregiver’s attention, affection or love.
A child repeatedly exposed to this kind of emotional abuse grows up thinking it’s the only way to get others to do what you want and give you what you want. But the effect of this form of emotional abuse cuts deeper and creates scars that are far more lasting than most people realize. Most people exposed to this kind of emotional abuse live with separation anxiety, are needy and clingy, have low self-esteem, don’t trust themselves, have problems telling whether someone is interested in them or not, never ask for what they want, are passive aggressive etc. But most of all, they repeat this pattern of parent-child relationship in their adult relationships because it feels familiar and even comfortable to them. Most don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Some grow-up men and women even believe that it’s a way to prove how much you love them by how desperate you try to get them back.
But this is not about love. A person using “no contact” to break you is not doing it because he/she loves you. He/she is doing it because he/she needs to break you to feel in control – just like in the parent-child dynamic they’re so familar with. The sad part is that many people using this unhealthy and dysfunctional relating pattern are not necessarily bitter or vengeful people out to hurt the person they love. They honestly believe that because it was done to them and it worked, it will work with you too.
It sucks! Doesn’t it? But it gets worse. We never get over our parent-child initial experience of love, until we really do some serious house cleaning (closets, cabinets and all). Repeating old unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns of relating isn’t exactly serious house cleaning, is it? And you wonder why even when “no contact works”, you end up breaking up again. What draws you back to each other is not love, but dysfunctional emotional programming.
Letting your ex know you will not be manipulated, controlled, punished and emotionally abused is a good place to start your own serious house cleaning. You know what they say: “You teach people how they treat you.” This time it’s “No Contact”. If you get back together, next it’ll be something else, and then another and another. And try as hard as you will, you’ll never have that healthy relationship you so want.
If you sincerely want the dysfunction to stop, here is what you do:
Send your ex a text or email telling him/her that you know he/she is using the “No Contact” Rule. You don’t like it because “no contact” undermines any efforts to have a healthy relationship. Even if you get back together things will NOT work out because what drew you back to each other is dysfunctional emotional programming. If this is how he/she has chosen to handle the break-up, it’s best that you both move on. This is your decision, not because it’s what you want to do, but because he/she leaves you no other choice. You want a mature healthy relationship, and playing each other’s feelings and emotions is not how to get there.
Don’t just say it as another mind game to try to satisfy your own need to regain control. It’s almost guaranteed that at some point, your ex will come up with his/her own mind game to satisfy his/her own need to regain control… The cycle just doesn’t end.
For your own good, end the cycle now by taking a firm stance. If your ex senses that you are not falling for his/her “cold shoulder” treatment and are really serious about moving on, he/she will be all over the Internet looking for advice on “what to do when my ex contacts me saying he/she is moving on!” Misery does love company, no doubt much of the advice will be, “don’t give in.” But if refusing to repeat your ex’s dysfuctional parent-child dynamic does not force your ex to face his/her childhood issues, then nothing will.
You can’t change someone else, the only person you can change is you. Saying “NO!” to emotional abuse is taking care of your own emotional health, and cleaning up your emotional energy so that you will be ready for a relationship in which you will be treated with the respect, affection and love you deserve.
Keep in mind that not everyone who suddenly cuts off all contact is doing so to break you. Some people use “No Contact” because they believe it’s the best way for them to heal from the pain and move on. You may not like that this is how they choose to move on, but respect their wish. Some day you’ll want someone else to respect yours too.
It is sometimes hard to tell whether someone is cutting off all contact to get their way with you or doing so to heal and move on, especially if they don’t let you know. In this case it is best to assume that they are moving on and start the process of moving on yourself.
Fair? Probably not. Heartbreaking? Yes. Healthy? YES!
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This explains why I’ve never understood the “No Contact” Rule or seen it as a viable way to win back someone you love. When I broke up with my ex, she sent me a “no contact” notice. At first I was shocked because we are both in our 40s, been married before and single parents of teenagers, I did not expect high school behavior from her. I have pleaded with her not to simply cut me off but she will not respond to any of my texts. Now I understand that she has a faulty relating programming and looking back see how I missed some of it during the 4 months we were together. You are right, this is not something I can personally fix and will continue even if we get back together. It’s best to move on.
I’m glad the article helped you see some things more clearly. However, I suggest that you let your ex know why you’ve decided to move on. Like I said in the article, some people are not even aware that “no contact” is not a healthy way of relating. It is so much part of their emotional programming that they think it’s the way all people react to not getting what they want or loss of sense of control.
If you are really intent on creating a more healthy relationship, your own reactions should reflect a healthy attitude and response.
Well, I somehow see your point. I know sometimes couples stay in touch after a break-up. However, I am wondering why they call it a break up then? Actually, my ex left me and said he wants us to go different ways and we can not be together anymore. I had been planning to move to his country. After that he sent me a couple of remorseful e-mails. I replied to them, tried to get some more information than the vague break up lines. I just feel it took me longer to get closure since nothing lead to him opening up. He made up his mind when he broke up with me and the post-break up mails seemed more like a friendly aftermath. i do not feel that anything has become clearer after the break up talk. What was the point in sending back and forth e-mails that were just confusing to me? For that reason, I advocate NO CONTACT. This man made his decision. I accepted and respected his decision and stayed as casual as possible.
I d not understand this article. Breaking up, in my books, is a way of telling the other person you want to move on and
you want them to move on with somebody else too. If you can not accept thaz the other person will accept your decision and leave you alone and close the door for good afterwards – you should not have broken up.
You see my point, then you do not understand the article??
Nevertheless, I respect your books…): To say “you should not have broken up” is stretching it to the irrational. Sometimes a relationship can go through a rough period. It doesn’t always mean it’s over, it may just mean that the relationship is not working the way it is.
In my books…see I got books too…):, a break-up can even be a good thing for some relationships in that it gives two people the opportunity to really consider if the relationship is what they want — and fix those things that are not working.
In your case (as per your other comment), your ex didn’t seem interested in coming back and you decided that it was best to cut off all contact with him and move on. That’s your choice. May be there was nothing to go back to there. May be it indeed was over for you. But just because it didn’t work out for you, it doesn’t mean it will not work out for everyone else. There are some relationships where after a break-up, one or both people feel that they have something very special that neither wants to lose. I believe it’s up to them to try and make it work.
In short, what the article is saying is that “No contact” is not a healthy way to make things work. No contact is for moving on. In your situation, based on what has happened, moving on is what you have chosen to do, then be happy with your decision.
The reason I’m totally against NO CONTACT is that it is mostly advocated by people who are into mind games, people who are hurting (and don’t know what to do) and people who have failed to get their ex back. Why would any sensible person who wants to SUCCEED take advice from someone who has failed to get their ex back or is angry because they failed? Beats me!
I have ABSOLUTELY no intentions of stopping my ex’s “no contact” rule. It’s been 2 months since I last heard from her. I’m SO RELIEVED she stopped texting and calling me. That woman is plain CRAZY.
Yangki, I understand what you are saying about relationships sometimes having bumps. That I get. My ex abruptly ended the relationship 2 months ago. No hints or warnings that something was wrong he just dropped the “I love you but not in love with you” bomb one evening before we went to bed. I was stunned since I thought we had a good relationship. We ended up staying up the whole night with me trying to understand and then begging him to change his mind. That evening he packed his belongings and left the apartment we shared for 3 years. The next day he called to see if I was alright, knowing too well that I wasn’t. If he cared so much for me why did he leave? if he had told me he wasn’t happy in the relationship, we would have talked about it and worked things out, but he chose to leave!
I see what you mean. It’s hard when you thought everything was going great and then from what it seems like no where, it’s over. That’s hard to deal with.
You’ve probably read on my blog and elsewhere that people don’t just wake up one day and walk out of a valued relationship. Most of the time, we feel the relationship is working for us and think it must be working for the other person as well. I’ve worked with many people who walked out of relationships so abruptly and most say they tried to communicate (or complained) but their concerns were ignored. Of course it’s also possible that they just didn’t say it in a way that they were heard or didn’t say anything at all.
I’m not so much interested in assigning blame or “demonizing” one or the other party. It doesn’t help anyone. All it does is feed into negativity and dense energy. I try as much as possible to discourage it here on my blog. It’s not good for your mental, emotional or physical health. My advice to you is try (not easy!) to accept that this is his decision, his way of doing what he felt at the time that he needed to do. Let go the need to see things as “they should have been” and start seeing them as they ARE. He wasn’t happy. He left. You are upset and hurt. That’s what is real. Anything else your mind is going on and on and over and over about is self-torture!
You are right. I’m allowing how I feel about his actions to negatively affect me. I had a fight with my therapist this morning and feel very badly about it. She was just trying to help.
Don’t worry about your therapist. People in our line of work understand that we sometimes get beat up for something we didn’t do. Take care of yourself. That’s who you should be focused on right now.
Cutting someone out of your life isn’t sulking. It is protecting yourself.
What if the person you cut out of your life was an NDP, a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? You shouldn’t cut them out, but instead take their abuse?
You seem to have only read that part about sulking and reacted…
If you had read to paragraph 12 you would have read…”You can’t change someone else, the only person you can change is you. Saying “NO!” to emotional abuse is taking care of your own emotional health, and cleaning up your emotional energy so that you will be ready for a relationship in which you will be treated with the respect, affection and love you deserve.”
And paragraph 13…”Keep in mind that not everyone who suddenly cuts off all contact is doing so to break you. Some people use “No Contact” because they believe it’s the best way for them to heal from the pain and move on.”
I’m using no contact right now with my ex. We broke up last year in June, I broke it off with him. For weeks I kept texting him and calling him and he ignored me. I could not take it anymore and stopped. He contacted me after 3 months, we got back together officially in November. Things were good until end of January, he broke up with me. No contact worked for him, so why is it bad for me to do the same?
No one said there is anything bad with you doing what you want to do…
I can however guarantee you that if this is the pattern in your relationship, you will get back together and you will break-up AGAIN. I know, that sounds cruel and negative… but it’s the truth! Something is fundamentally wrong with a relationship where people intentionally ignore each other to create attraction — only to break-up again soon after!
It hurts to see people suffer needilessly but all I can do is say “if you go there, this is what will happen. I’ve seen it happent to others so many times”. People can choose to listen or not listen…
In Budhism, it’s taught that people tend to create their own suffering by allowing their anxieties and fears to rule their actions. When you can’t control a person’s behavior, you panic and resort to mind games to manipulate them into doing what you want. To me NO CONTACT when used in this context is totally a mind game. If you do get any success from it, it’s only temporary. If you use that tactic regularly in your relationship, it will breed resentment and get you labeled as passive-aggressive. I know, I’ve done this same thing to a former love and guess what? It didn’t bring him any closer to me. If anything it created more distance between us. I think that’s one of the reasons I enjoyed reading Christine’s book “Dating Your Ex” so much. She’s one of the few relationship experts who called this tactic out for the destructive ploy that it is. Do you want your ex to come back because they want to be with you….or because you tricked him into a temporary reconciliation?
Oh and one more thing, for the person who said that NO CONTACT isn’t sulking but a form of self protection. I beg to differ. Self-protection is important when you’re in an abusive relationship. It’s your ego’s way of protecting you from getting hurt. But if you’re always self-protecting you will build up walls that won’t allow love to ever penetrate.
Thank you Tina for saying it probably better than I have been able to. You said it very well, ” Do you want your ex to come back because they want to be with you….or because you tricked him into a temporary reconciliation?”
Sadly, many people don’t mind a temporary fix, that’s why No Contact is so popular among a certain group of people. It’s something to do with our Western culture in general. We’ve forgotten (or never learned) to be honest with our relationships with others — or even in our relationships with ourselves. And we wonder why we have the unhappiest relationships and highest divorce rate.
NC advice is not to break NC at whatever cost but after months of doing NC, if you go back for advice on what to do, the same people who said “NC will make your ex wonder about you and miss you” will try to convince you that your ex is no good and you should just move on. They will go into your story and start pointing out all the reasons why your ex is not worth getting back. Unfortunately I was gullible and allowed myself to be talked into moving on. 2 years since I “moved on”, and my love for my ex is just as strong. I had the chance to talk to one of his friends who said he was heartbroken when we broke up but everyone talked him into moving on since I was not responding to his texts and calls. He tried to get me back, but I was listening to other people instead of listening to my own heart. I cry when I think of what could have happened, if I had not done NC.
I Still Love My Ex – I did NC for 6 months with my exboyfriend who I was madly in love with but left because a couple of friends and alleged relationship coaches advised that he was a”commitment phobe” who needed a dose tough love in the form of NO CONTACT to get him to commit to me. They said he’d come crawling back to me if I left him cold turkey because he’d miss me. Guess what happened instead? He ended up meeting another woman because he didn’t think I cared about him anymore…so he moved on. Now I DID need that NC time to work out some of my intimacy and communication issues which were part of the reason we broke up. But I could have at least given him a heads up that I needed some time to work on stuff and not just disappear like I did. Lesson learned the hard way. Friends are well meaning, but often they are projecting their own fears onto you and can’t be objective. If I had to do it again I would have done it differently.
Yangki – You’re very welcome! I’ve been doing alot of soul searching about my own relationship patterns and realized that I was not being very emotionally honest with the men I dated and that it was time to change that pattern, unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life alone. It wasn’t all their fault but I played a big role in the failure of those relationships to thrive as well. When I stumbled upon your website and bought your “How To Date Your Ex” ebook, I expected another book with useless tips on how to trick your ex with No Contact and games. I was pleasantly surprised at how much you concentrated on the importance to rebuild communication with your ex in a healthy non-game playing way which I found very refreshing. I’ve been reading and re-reading the book for the past month and I love it! Most importantly, I’ve also been making real progress with reconnecting with my ex too. Thank you for writing something “real”.
Response to i-still-love-my-ex and Tina,
I’m very sorry to hear both of your exes moved on while you were in No Contact.
My advice is always to give someone a heads up, no mature man or woman would begrudge another for wanting to be a better person. If trying to make yourself a better person makes your ex uncomfortable, unhappy or angry, then you have to think twice about the person you want back. Also giving your ex a heads up (how you do it can make a HUGE difference), makes it easier to later show your ex that you are indeed different. Disappearing and reappearing with “Look! I’m different!” is suspicious. Most exes don’t buy it, that’s why even after doing so much work on yourself in NC, your ex doesn’t want you back.
You both sound like grounded women who take life lessons to heart. Life tends to reward people like that. Keep your heads up, your minds free of fear, your hearts open and your lives loving, it’ll all work out good.
My belief is that sometimes we go through life experiences that make us stronger, but even more so, so we can be of help to others going through what we’ve been through. I hope you just don’t tell your story to be heard (compare experiences), but that you can use it to help someone else still struggling. There are so many people in so many blogs and forums out there that need your experiences to learn. Your pain doesn’t have to be for nothing. All the very best.
Tina, I stand to be corrected. I responded before reading your next comment. Based on your earlier comment “If I had to do it again I would have done it differently”, I assumed your ex had moved on and you were moving on too.
I’m happy that you are making real progress with reconnecting with your ex. Very happy in fact… ): As I said in the book, it’s not easy and it’ll require you to call on your patience and persistence like never before. Again, best wishes… sending you lots and lots of positive energy!!!
I was also in an abusive relationship and after we broke up he was mad at me telling him it’s best if we have no contact, he cut me off. I had no a choice but not contact him. It’s probably the best thing he ever did for me because when I look back, the majority of the relationship was carried by me. I lived in a fantasy world in my mind. Even after he broke up with me, I continued begging him to take me back and when that failed I begged him to give me closure. It’d been 8 months since we had contact and I finally feel that I’m completely healing. Reading many of your articles has helped.
Abuse is not easy on anyone, and I’m sorry you had to experience it the way you did. Your situation underscores something I’ve said here over and over… by the time people choose to use no contact, 90% of the time that relationship is so damaged that chances of two people getting back together is very low. No contact often reduces the chances even further.
It’s almost impossible for people who have had a fairly good relationship and where the bond is strong, to suddenly want no contact with each other… I’ve had many people tell me “I just could not do it. It felt wrong!”
I’m glad you are healing, and hopefully this experience will lead you to a better relationship — and to think twice before going no contact, if things ever hit the rocks.
I have been NC for over 2 years but I still can feel pain over his hurtful words and actions. I allowed him to treat me the way he did because I was expecting him to change for me. When I begged him for closure he invited me to his place and after sex he asked me if I had closure. I feel so stupid and hate myself for allowing myself to be so used by him.
My ex has been in no contact for 5 weeks now, said she “wants to find herself” and wanted to ”be on her own”. I told her ” I’m glad you’re doing this. I’ll always be here for you.:). When I wrote this I wanted her back, but after 5 weeks of no contact, I have a different perspective on things. I still care for her but I’m not sure she’s what I want anymore. My family and friends say I’m less anxious, more positive and generally happier since this woman removed herself out of my life. Is this normal? Should I text her and tell her I’m moving on?
To Charliez:
How is hating yourself, and calling yourself “stupid” (and probably many other things) different from his hurtful words and actions? The abuser is gone… and now you are your own abuser.
You made some unhealthy choices… you can’t go back and undo what’s already happened. Forgive yourself. Give yourself some relief from abuse. It’s obvious (from your comment) that it wasn’t a good relationship to begin with. You are better off although it may not feel that way because of what you are doing to yourself.
To Doclarry:
Yes. It is normal when you remove yourself from a situation to see it a little differently. That’s probably the best thing about no contact. You should be happy that your ex (albeit unintentionally) handed you a “gift of new lenses” with which to see the relationship.
No. Contacting her to tell her you are moving on after she told you she did not want contact will make you come across as “desperate” or eating ‘soar grapes”. Just move on with your life. When she’s done her “no contact” and contacts you, then you can talk about why the two of you can’t get back together. Be nice about it… ):
I didn’t try to stop my ex’s no contact and never contacted her the whole 6 weeks she was in no contact. Now she’s mad that I didn’t try to get her back and texting me telling me she’s so over me but obviously she’s not. Why else is she mad that I didn’t try to get her back? She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me when she initiated no contact, all I did was follow her lead.
She’s mad because you didn’t try to “stop her no contact”. She had expected you to contact her to validate her reasons for doing no contact (make you miss her) but since you didn’t contact her she’s upset that you didn’t miss her (which is the same as… she didn’t mean to you what she hoped she did). You getting all upset isn’t worth it. If you don’t want her back, then just let it go. If you want her back, then try to work things out instead of playing “who is more mad.”
Thank you, this blog solved my problem. I have been struggling over whether or not to try and contact my ex. It has been 5 weeks since he started no contact and I have not contacted him because it would probably only make me feel worse in the end. Reading this has made me realize there has been a pattern in our relationship of avoiding dealing with issues by distancing. Both of us have done it, I’m ashamed to say. We feed off each other’s worst characteristics, it’s not healthy. I’m going to work on myself and attract someone who is healthy for me. Once again, thank you.
My ex told me she didn’t want contact with me, I agreed and we said our final goodbyes. She was gone only 2 weeks. First text said hi, next one said she missed me and the third said she loved me very much, the fourth begged me to understand why she used no contact. She wanted to find out whether I really cared or not, because if I did, I would try to contact her. I never replied to any of her texts. I’m at a point in my life where I really have no patience for those games. I’m looking for a woman who is capable of acting mature and if she wants to know if I care, ask me directly.