For whatever reason, you were not happy in the relationship and decided to end it. The next thing you know – your ex has completely cut you off. They unfriended you, blocked you, won’t respond to your texts and will not pick up the phone. It’s like he/she disappeared off the face of the earth. No reason. No explanation. Nothing.
Should you fall for the “no contact” ploy and pursue someone who is acting like a sulking child who doesn’t know how to take “no” or “not now” for an answer?
It depends on whether you believe emotional abuse has a place in a healthy relationship. Look, it doesn’t matter how you slice this cake, someone suddenly cutting off all contact in an attempt to get you anxious, fearful, feel rejected, doubt your own desirability, confused and depressed is not acting with love – and you need to recognize it for what it is. Emotional abuse.
When someone uses “silent treatment”, the “cold shoulder treatment” or “no contact” to get you to comply and do what they want, or give them what they want, it’s a behaviour learned from childhood with a parent or key caregiver. A parent or caregiver denies a child attention, affection or love as a way of punishing, hurting, manipulating or controlling him or her; young, innocent and vulnerable, a child gives in or does as told to regain the parent or caregiver’s attention, affection or love.
A child repeatedly exposed to this kind of emotional abuse grows up thinking it’s the only way to get others to do what you want and give you what you want. But the effect of this form of emotional abuse cuts deeper and creates scars that are far more lasting than most people realize. Most people exposed to this kind of emotional abuse live with separation anxiety, are needy and clingy, have low self-esteem, don’t trust themselves, have problems telling whether someone is interested in them or not, never ask for what they want, are passive aggressive etc. But most of all, they repeat this pattern of parent-child relationship in their adult relationships because it feels familiar and even comfortable to them. Most don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Some grown-up men and women even believe that it’s a way to prove how much you love them by how desperate you try to get back their attention, affection or love. That’s how sick this is!
A person using “no contact” to break you is not doing it because he/she loves you. He/she is doing it because he/she needs to break you to feel in control – just like in the parent-child dynamic they’re so familar with. The sad part is, many people using this unhealthy and dysfunctional relating pattern are not necessarily bitter or vengeful people out to hurt the person they love. They honestly believe that because it was done to them and it worked, it will work with you too.
It sucks! Doesn’t it? But it gets worse. We never get over our parent-child initial experience of love until we really do some serious house cleaning (closets, cabinets and all). Repeating old unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns of relating isn’t exactly serious house cleaning, is it? And you wonder why even when “no contact works”, you end up breaking up again. What draws you back to each other is not love, but dysfunctional emotional programming.
Letting your ex know you will not be manipulated, controlled, punished and emotionally abused is a good place to start your own serious house cleaning. You know what they say: “You teach people how they treat you.” This time it’s “No Contact”. If you get back together, next it’ll be something else, and then another and another. And try as hard as you will, you’ll never have that healthy relationship you so want.
If you sincerely want the dysfunction to stop, here is what you do:
Send your ex a text or email telling him/her that you know he/she is using the “No Contact” Rule. You don’t like it because “no contact” undermines any efforts to have a healthy relationship. Even if you get back together things will NOT work out because what drew you back to each other is dysfunctional emotional programming. If this is how he/she has chosen to handle the break-up, it’s best that you both move on. This is your decision, not because it’s what you want to do, but because he/she leaves you no other choice. You want a mature healthy relationship, and playing each other’s feelings and emotions is not how to get there.
Don’t just say it as another mind game to try to satisfy your own need to regain control. It’s almost guaranteed that at some point, your ex will come up with his/her own mind game to satisfy his/her own need to regain control… The cycle just doesn’t end.
For your own good, end the cycle now by taking a firm stance. If your ex senses that you are not falling for his/her “cold shoulder” treatment and are really serious about moving on, he/she will be all over the Internet looking for advice on “what to do when my ex contacts me saying he/she is moving on!” Misery does love company, no doubt much of the advice will be, “don’t give in.” But if refusing to repeat your ex’s dysfuctional parent-child dynamic does not force your ex to face his/her childhood issues, then nothing will.
You can’t change someone else. The only person you can change is you. Saying “NO!” to emotional abuse is taking care of your own emotional health, and cleaning up your emotional energy so that you will be ready for a relationship in which you will be treated with the respect, affection and love you deserve.
Keep in mind that not everyone who suddenly cuts off all contact is doing so to break you. Some people use “No Contact” because they believe it’s the best way for them to heal from the pain and move on. You may not like that this is how they choose to move on, but respect their wish. Some day you’ll want someone else to respect yours too.
It is sometimes hard to tell whether someone is cutting off all contact to get their way with you or doing so to heal and move on, especially if they don’t let you know. In this case it is best to assume that they are moving on and start the process of moving on yourself.
Fair? Probably not. Heartbreaking? Yes. Healthy? YES!
Copyright © 2012 | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng All rights reserved Theme designed by
This explains why I’ve never understood the “No Contact” Rule or seen it as a viable way to win back someone you love. When I broke up with my ex, she sent me a “no contact” notice. At first I was shocked because we are both in our 40s, been married before and single parents of teenagers, I did not expect high school behavior from her. I have pleaded with her not to simply cut me off but she will not respond to any of my texts. Now I understand that she has a faulty relating programming and looking back see how I missed some of it during the 4 months we were together. You are right, this is not something I can personally fix and will continue even if we get back together. It’s best to move on.
I’m glad the article helped you see some things more clearly. However, I suggest that you let your ex know why you’ve decided to move on. Like I said in the article, some people are not even aware that “no contact” is not a healthy way of relating. It is so much part of their emotional programming that they think it’s the way all people react to not getting what they want or loss of sense of control.
If you are really intent on creating a more healthy relationship, your own reactions should reflect a healthy attitude and response.
Well, I somehow see your point. I know sometimes couples stay in touch after a break-up. However, I am wondering why they call it a break up then? Actually, my ex left me and said he wants us to go different ways and we can not be together anymore. I had been planning to move to his country. After that he sent me a couple of remorseful e-mails. I replied to them, tried to get some more information than the vague break up lines. I just feel it took me longer to get closure since nothing lead to him opening up. He made up his mind when he broke up with me and the post-break up mails seemed more like a friendly aftermath. i do not feel that anything has become clearer after the break up talk. What was the point in sending back and forth e-mails that were just confusing to me? For that reason, I advocate NO CONTACT. This man made his decision. I accepted and respected his decision and stayed as casual as possible.
I d not understand this article. Breaking up, in my books, is a way of telling the other person you want to move on and
you want them to move on with somebody else too. If you can not accept thaz the other person will accept your decision and leave you alone and close the door for good afterwards – you should not have broken up.
You see my point, then you do not understand the article??
Nonetheless, I respect your books…): To say “you should not have broken up” is stretching it to the irrational. Sometimes a relationship can go through a rough period. It doesn’t always mean it’s over, it may just mean that the relationship is not working the way it is.
In my books…see I got books too…):, a break-up can even be a good thing for some relationships in that it gives two people the opportunity to really consider if the relationship is what they want — and fix those things that are not working.
In your case (as per your other comment), your ex didn’t seem interested in coming back and you decided that it was best to cut off all contact with him and move on. That’s your choice. May be there was nothing to go back to there. May be it indeed was over for you. But just because it didn’t work out for you, it doesn’t mean it will not work out for everyone else. There are some relationships where after a break-up, one or both people feel that they have something very special that neither wants to lose. I believe it’s up to them to try and make it work.
In short, what the article is saying is that “No contact” is not a healthy way to make things work. No contact is for moving on. In your situation, based on what has happened, moving on is what you have chosen to do, then be happy with your decision.
The reason I’m totally against NO CONTACT is that it is mostly advocated by people who are into mind games, people who are hurting (and don’t know what to do) and people who have failed to get their ex back. Why would any sensible person who wants to SUCCEED take advice from someone who has failed to get their ex back or is angry because they failed? Beats me!
I have ABSOLUTELY no intentions of stopping my ex’s “no contact” rule. It’s been 2 months since I last heard from her. I’m SO RELIEVED she stopped texting and calling me. That woman is plain CRAZY.
Yangki, I understand what you are saying about relationships sometimes having bumps. That I get. My ex abruptly ended the relationship 2 months ago. No hints or warnings that something was wrong he just dropped the “I love you but not in love with you” bomb one evening before we went to bed. I was stunned since I thought we had a good relationship. We ended up staying up the whole night with me trying to understand and then begging him to change his mind. That evening he packed his belongings and left the apartment we shared for 3 years. The next day he called to see if I was alright, knowing too well that I wasn’t. If he cared so much for me why did he leave? if he had told me he wasn’t happy in the relationship, we would have talked about it and worked things out, but he chose to leave!
I see what you mean. It’s hard when you thought everything was going great and then from what it seems like no where, it’s over. That’s hard to deal with.
You’ve probably read on my blog and elsewhere that people don’t just wake up one day and walk out of a valued relationship. Most of the time, we feel the relationship is working for us and think it must be working for the other person as well. I’ve worked with many people who walked out of relationships so abruptly and most say they tried to communicate (or complained) but their concerns were ignored. Of course it’s also possible that they just didn’t say it in a way that they were heard or didn’t say anything at all.
I’m not so much interested in assigning blame or “demonizing” one or the other party. It doesn’t help anyone. All it does is feed into negativity and dense energy. I try as much as possible to discourage it here on my blog. It’s not good for your mental, emotional or physical health. My advice to you is try (not easy!) to accept that this is his decision, his way of doing what he felt at the time that he needed to do. Let go the need to see things as “they should have been” and start seeing them as they ARE. He wasn’t happy. He left. You are upset and hurt. That’s what is real. Anything else your mind is going on and on and over and over about is self-torture!
You are right. I’m allowing how I feel about his actions to negatively affect me. I had a fight with my therapist this morning and feel very badly about it. She was just trying to help.
Don’t worry about your therapist. People in our line of work understand that we sometimes get beat up for something we didn’t do. Take care of yourself. That’s who you should be focused on right now.
Cutting someone out of your life isn’t sulking. It is protecting yourself.
What if the person you cut out of your life was an NDP, a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? You shouldn’t cut them out, but instead take their abuse?
You seem to have only read that part about sulking and reacted…
If you had read to paragraph 12 you would have read…”You can’t change someone else, the only person you can change is you. Saying “NO!” to emotional abuse is taking care of your own emotional health, and cleaning up your emotional energy so that you will be ready for a relationship in which you will be treated with the respect, affection and love you deserve.”
And paragraph 13…”Keep in mind that not everyone who suddenly cuts off all contact is doing so to break you. Some people use “No Contact” because they believe it’s the best way for them to heal from the pain and move on.”
I’m using no contact right now with my ex. We broke up last year in June, I broke it off with him. For weeks I kept texting him and calling him and he ignored me. I could not take it anymore and stopped. He contacted me after 3 months, we got back together officially in November. Things were good until end of January, he broke up with me. No contact worked for him, so why is it bad for me to do the same?
No one said there is anything bad with you doing what you want to do…
I can however guarantee you that if this is the pattern in your relationship, you will get back together and you will break-up AGAIN. I know, that sounds cruel and negative… but it’s the truth! Something is fundamentally wrong with a relationship where people intentionally ignore each other to create attraction — only to break-up again soon after!
It hurts to see people suffer needilessly but all I can do is say “if you go there, this is what will happen. I’ve seen it happent to others so many times”. People can choose to listen or not listen…
In Budhism, it’s taught that people tend to create their own suffering by allowing their anxieties and fears to rule their actions. When you can’t control a person’s behavior, you panic and resort to mind games to manipulate them into doing what you want. To me NO CONTACT when used in this context is totally a mind game. If you do get any success from it, it’s only temporary. If you use that tactic regularly in your relationship, it will breed resentment and get you labeled as passive-aggressive. I know, I’ve done this same thing to a former love and guess what? It didn’t bring him any closer to me. If anything it created more distance between us. I think that’s one of the reasons I enjoyed reading Christine’s book “Dating Your Ex” so much. She’s one of the few relationship experts who called this tactic out for the destructive ploy that it is. Do you want your ex to come back because they want to be with you….or because you tricked him into a temporary reconciliation?
Oh and one more thing, for the person who said that NO CONTACT isn’t sulking but a form of self protection. I beg to differ. Self-protection is important when you’re in an abusive relationship. It’s your ego’s way of protecting you from getting hurt. But if you’re always self-protecting you will build up walls that won’t allow love to ever penetrate.
Thank you Tina for saying it probably better than I have been able to. You said it very well, ” Do you want your ex to come back because they want to be with you….or because you tricked him into a temporary reconciliation?”
Sadly, many people don’t mind a temporary fix, that’s why No Contact is so popular among a certain group of people. It’s something to do with our Western culture in general. We’ve forgotten (or never learned) to be honest with our relationships with others — or even in our relationships with ourselves. And we wonder why we have the unhappiest relationships and highest divorce rate.
NC advice is not to break NC at whatever cost but after months of doing NC, if you go back for advice on what to do, the same people who said “NC will make your ex wonder about you and miss you” will try to convince you that your ex is no good and you should just move on. They will go into your story and start pointing out all the reasons why your ex is not worth getting back. Unfortunately I was gullible and allowed myself to be talked into moving on. 2 years since I “moved on”, and my love for my ex is just as strong. I had the chance to talk to one of his friends who said he was heartbroken when we broke up but everyone talked him into moving on since I was not responding to his texts and calls. He tried to get me back, but I was listening to other people instead of listening to my own heart. I cry when I think of what could have happened, if I had not done NC.
I Still Love My Ex – I did NC for 6 months with my exboyfriend who I was madly in love with but left because a couple of friends and alleged relationship coaches advised that he was a”commitment phobe” who needed a dose tough love in the form of NO CONTACT to get him to commit to me. They said he’d come crawling back to me if I left him cold turkey because he’d miss me. Guess what happened instead? He ended up meeting another woman because he didn’t think I cared about him anymore…so he moved on. Now I DID need that NC time to work out some of my intimacy and communication issues which were part of the reason we broke up. But I could have at least given him a heads up that I needed some time to work on stuff and not just disappear like I did. Lesson learned the hard way. Friends are well meaning, but often they are projecting their own fears onto you and can’t be objective. If I had to do it again I would have done it differently.
Yangki – You’re very welcome! I’ve been doing alot of soul searching about my own relationship patterns and realized that I was not being very emotionally honest with the men I dated and that it was time to change that pattern, unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life alone. It wasn’t all their fault but I played a big role in the failure of those relationships to thrive as well. When I stumbled upon your website and bought your “How To Date Your Ex” ebook, I expected another book with useless tips on how to trick your ex with No Contact and games. I was pleasantly surprised at how much you concentrated on the importance to rebuild communication with your ex in a healthy non-game playing way which I found very refreshing. I’ve been reading and re-reading the book for the past month and I love it! Most importantly, I’ve also been making real progress with reconnecting with my ex too. Thank you for writing something “real”.
Response to i-still-love-my-ex and Tina,
I’m very sorry to hear both of your exes moved on while you were in No Contact.
My advice is always to give someone a heads up, no mature man or woman would begrudge another for wanting to be a better person. If trying to make yourself a better person makes your ex uncomfortable, unhappy or angry, then you have to think twice about the person you want back. Also giving your ex a heads up (how you do it can make a HUGE difference), makes it easier to later show your ex that you are indeed different. Disappearing and reappearing with “Look! I’m different!” is suspicious. Most exes don’t buy it, that’s why even after doing so much work on yourself in NC, your ex doesn’t want you back.
You both sound like grounded women who take life lessons to heart. Life tends to reward people like that. Keep your heads up, your minds free of fear, your hearts open and your lives loving, it’ll all work out good.
My belief is that sometimes we go through life experiences that make us stronger, but even more so, so we can be of help to others going through what we’ve been through. I hope you just don’t tell your story to be heard (compare experiences), but that you can use it to help someone else still struggling. There are so many people in so many blogs and forums out there that need your experiences to learn. Your pain doesn’t have to be for nothing. All the very best.
Tina, I stand to be corrected. I responded before reading your next comment. Based on your earlier comment “If I had to do it again I would have done it differently”, I assumed your ex had moved on and you were moving on too.
I’m happy that you are making real progress with reconnecting with your ex. Very happy in fact… ): As I said in the book, it’s not easy and it’ll require you to call on your patience and persistence like never before. Again, best wishes… sending you lots and lots of positive energy!!!
I was also in an abusive relationship and after we broke up he was mad at me telling him it’s best if we have no contact, he cut me off. I had no choice but not contact him. It’s probably the best thing he ever did for me because when I look back, the majority of the relationship was carried by me. I lived in a fantasy world in my mind. Even after he broke up with me, I continued begging him to take me back and when that failed I begged him to give me closure. It’d been 8 months since we had contact and I finally feel that I’m completely healing. Reading many of your articles has helped.
Abuse is not easy on anyone, and I’m sorry you had to experience it the way you did. Your situation underscores something I’ve said here over and over… by the time people choose to use no contact, 90% of the time that relationship is so damaged that chances of two people getting back together is very low. No contact often reduces the chances even further.
It’s almost impossible for people who have had a fairly good relationship and where the bond is strong, to suddenly want no contact with each other… I’ve had many people tell me “I just could not do it. It felt wrong!”
I’m glad you are healing, and hopefully this experience will lead you to a better relationship — and to think twice before going no contact, if things ever hit the rocks.
I have been NC for over 2 years but I still can feel pain over his hurtful words and actions. I allowed him to treat me the way he did because I was expecting him to change for me. When I begged him for closure he invited me to his place and after sex he asked me if I had closure. I feel so stupid and hate myself for allowing myself to be so used by him.
My ex has been in no contact for 5 weeks now, said she “wants to find herself” and wanted to ”be on her own”. I told her ” I’m glad you’re doing this. I’ll always be here for you.:). When I wrote this I wanted her back, but after 5 weeks of no contact, I have a different perspective on things. I still care for her but I’m not sure she’s what I want anymore. My family and friends say I’m less anxious, more positive and generally happier since this woman removed herself out of my life. Is this normal? Should I text her and tell her I’m moving on?
To Charliez:
How is hating yourself, and calling yourself “stupid” (and probably many other things) different from his hurtful words and actions? The abuser is gone… and now you are your own abuser.
You made some unhealthy choices… you can’t go back and undo what’s already happened. Forgive yourself. Give yourself some relief from abuse. It’s obvious (from your comment) that it wasn’t a good relationship to begin with. You are better off although it may not feel that way because of what you are doing to yourself.
To Doclarry:
Yes. It is normal when you remove yourself from a situation to see it a little differently. That’s probably the best thing about no contact. You should be happy that your ex (albeit unintentionally) handed you a “gift of new lenses” with which to see the relationship.
No. Contacting her to tell her you are moving on after she told you she did not want contact will make you come across as “desperate” or eating ‘soar grapes”. Just move on with your life. When she’s done her “no contact” and contacts you, then you can talk about why the two of you can’t get back together. Be nice about it… ):
I didn’t try to stop my ex’s no contact and never contacted her the whole 6 weeks she was in no contact. Now she’s mad that I didn’t try to get her back and texting me telling me she’s so over me but obviously she’s not. Why else is she mad that I didn’t try to get her back? She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me when she initiated no contact, all I did was follow her lead.
She’s mad because you didn’t try to “stop her no contact”. She had expected you to contact her to validate her reasons for doing no contact (make you miss her) but since you didn’t contact her she’s upset that you didn’t miss her (which is the same as… she didn’t mean to you what she hoped she did).
You getting all upset isn’t worth it. If you don’t want her back, then just let it go. If you want her back, then try to work things out instead of playing “who is more mad.”
Thank you, this blog solved my problem. I have been struggling over whether or not to try and contact my ex. It has been 5 weeks since he started no contact and I have not contacted him because it would probably only make me feel worse in the end. Reading this has made me realize there has been a pattern in our relationship of avoiding dealing with issues by distancing. Both of us have done it, I’m ashamed to say. We feed off each other’s worst characteristics, it’s not healthy. I’m going to work on myself and attract someone who is healthy for me. Once again, thank you.
My ex told me she didn’t want contact with me, I agreed and we said our final goodbyes. She was gone only 2 weeks. First text said hi, next one said she missed me and the third said she loved me very much, the fourth begged me to understand why she used no contact. She wanted to find out whether I really cared or not, because if I did, I would try to contact her. I never replied to any of her texts. I’m at a point in my life where I really have no patience for those games. I’m looking for a woman who is capable of acting mature and if she wants to know if I care, ask me directly.
My Ex gf said she needed space to think about what she wants but in about a month and a half she has not tried to contact me. So I think you are probably right that I should perceive no contact from her as a sign that she is moving on and move on myself.
Letting go of someone you love is tough. If she’s asked for a specific amount of time, let her have it. You may need that time yourself to work on becoming the best lover/partner you can possibly. After a month if both of you use that time wisely, you may find that you can slowly begin dating again. She may also come back and say she doesn’t want to get back together or you may find that your feelings for her have changed. A lot can happen in a month.
To the person who said “you should never have broken up”, the reason you did not get your ex back is because you are angry about the breakup. Like the Love Dr. said, a breakup is not always bad. My ex and I were broken up for 3 months after dating for only 4 months. The breakup gave me enough time to see he was consistent and his feelings for me were really deep. We both have been in relationships were things ended with no contact. Keeping contact throughout the breakup helped us build strong friendship that neither of us has ever had with any one else. It took us a while to get back on track but we’ve been dating about 3 months now. Instead of saying we dated for 4 months and were broken up for 3 months and have been back for 3 months, we say we’ve been dating for a total of 10 months, and going strong.
Once in a while someone leaves a comment that blows my mind away and brings tears to my eyes. This is one of them. I don’t want to add anything on to it because it takes away from just POWERFUL the message is. Love is indeed alive and at work!!! THANK YOU for confirming it.
If at some point you need my help on anything, anything, email me and I’ll gladly help — no charge! All the best of life and love.
I’m a sulker what can I say? Ha ha ha.
If something doesn’t go my way, I generally pout and mope until I get my way. It usually works. My ex is the same way. So now we are both in no contact. Not helping at all. One of us has to be the adult and from your article it looks like it’s going to be me. Sucks! Why do I have to be the adult?
All joking aside. Point taken and appreciated. Thank you for the gentle ass-kick.
Let me guess… before you go into your little corner of the world to sulk, you first kiss up and play sweet (beg, plead, apologize etc), and when that fails, you throw a tantrum (blame, guilt-trip, threaten etc) and when that fails…
Sorry that you now have to grow up! Love your energy… but not so much the emotional age… );
I’m a bit confused. My ex was very upset when she dumped me and I did no contact to step back and leave her alone to deal with what is upsetting her. And you are saying that’s emotionally immature? I think emotionally immature is not giving her space and time on her own.
It’s confusing because of the “all or nothing” mindset. Stepping back doesn’t have to be “no contact”, it just means easing up a bit on the pressure/speed you’re on. It’s about finding the right balance for the current situation. Balance is what sets emotionally mature people apart from the immature.
Also if what is upsetting her was caused by you, leaving her to deal with it alone doesn’t inspire confidence in you as a partner. Sometimes people just want to know that you know when you’ve done something to hurt them and own up to it without making it look like it’s their fault that they are upset.
It comes back to emotional maturity… do you run away from difficult situations or do you face them head on???
My ex and I have broken up 3 times before and we always kept in contact and eventually got back together. This time she has decided she does not want any contact because she does not want to repeat the pattern of the past. It’s been 3 weeks since we’ve had no contact and I badly want to contact her but need to respect her wishes. My question is, will she move on now that we are in no contact or will the space and time help us begin afresh?
My experience as coach is that most relationships, and specifically ones with a history of on-and-off again, are not that strong to begin with. NC really is nothing more than a first step to moving on.
I do agree with her on one thing: the pattern of on-and-off-again has to be broken. If she productively uses the time in NC to work on herself, her wants, needs and desires will most likely change and she’ll see herself, the relationship and you differently. If her feelings for you are still strong, she may come back just to see if things can be different, and if she finds you are the very same person, she’ll leave — for good.
Yangki, what about when no contact is mutually agreed upon by both parties, does that also jeorpadize chances of getting back together? My ex and I have very strong feelings for each other but we always fight because of his 22 year-old son who still lives with him. His ex-wife uses their son to get to my ex and when I try to explain to him how she is manipulating him, he gets upset with me. His son is going to college this Fall, and we both agreed to have no contact until then. I’m just worried that this may be his way of letting me go?
A mutually agreed “time out” in my opinion is the emotionally mature approach. It is one I recommend in my eBook and one I find tends to work well in terms of re-establishing contact later on.
I don’t know much about your relationship other than about his son. If this is a solid relationship that otherwise has a lot of good things going for both of you, and you both have been open and honest with each other, then I see no reason for you to worry that he is not being honest with you and just doing it to let you go.
It’s hard these days to find someone who cares enough and is mature enough to be willing to work through a relationship crisis. Consider it a relationship test. If you can come through this together, your relationship will be able to handle just about anything. Some things are worth the wait…):
Thank you for your encouraging words. I was afraid that you were going to tell me to move on. He is worth it, Yangki. That’s why his ex can’t let go. He called me on my birthday which was a pleasant surprise since we are in no contact. I also intend on calling him on his birthday. I’m in contact with his mother, she calls me for advice or just to talk. She has told me several times to be patient. Btw, I’m a nurse.
I will get your ebook and will follow the advice and see where this goes. Thank you!
Wow! I spent days on this blog and just wish I had found it a breakup ago. My ex called no contact 4 weeks ago after I broke it with her. It was a tumultuous relationship where I had little say and felt controlled and micro-managed. I was just out of a divorce and met this very beautiful woman who seemed everything my ex-wife was not. Things were great for only a couple of months and then I started to see her for who she really is. The first time I broke it off, she called no contact and being the fool I was, I begged her to take me back. Big mistake! I know she’s hoping for me to contact her and beg her to take me, but I won’t this time. I’m moving on. Although I still have feelings for her, she’s very beautiful…hahaha! I’m not in love with her.
I hear you! I’m the first one to say “giving up easily is simply not an option”, but sometimes, walking away is the only option.
Over 80% of the guys I’ve worked with in the past year have been guys who just got out of a divorce — not much experience dating in today’s world, bling-blinged by the dazzle of a very attractive woman, and either got their hearts broken or found themselves in relationships just as bad as the marriage they left. Go figure!… ):
My ex broke up with me last Tuesday and told me that she will be doing NC. It’s only been a week since we last communicated and after reading this article, I’m beginning to think her doing NC will make it easier for both of us to move on and may be we have a chance of becoming friends someday down the road.
I’m glad the article gave some insight into your situation. I personally think you are making a rush decision to move on — it’s only been a week of no contact. If this is a (reasonably) good relationship, see if you can get her to see the inherent dysfunction in no contact before you write off the whole thing. Like I said, some people have no idea how much more damage they are doing to the relationship they want to save by using no contact. May be she’s one of those people. If she insists on her no contact, then you know for sure that there is nothing you can do to save the relationship — and can begin to move on.
Just a suggestion… ultimately, you should decide what is good for you…):
Best advice ever! It’s been 2 months since my ex put me on the no contact rule. In the beginning I was hurt that she cut me off as if the relationship meant nothing to her. Two weeks into no contact I determined that I was going to stop trying to make her want me and instead work on myself. It turns out I needed that time and space probably more than she did. I love the new me and my new life! The freedom is wonderful, and a long time overdo. I’m on to new friends, new adventures. Not looking back.
This was a great piece of advice. I used no contact to move on but did not have the courage to tell my ex. Looking back, I should have made it clear to her there was never going to be us again. She kept contacting me for 6 months. I was still in pain and did not respond. She says I hurt her more by not telling her. I think that if you are moving on, it’s best to tell the other person so as you say, she can start to mover on too.
The fact that you are able to look back and see your own mistakes is admirable… We all are going to make mistakes, even I, the Love Doctor have to keep learning everyday. That’s the beauty of relationships, it’s a journey, not a destination!
I’m with you on telling the other person you are moving on. It’s not only “good manners”, it’s also a mature thing to do. But not all of us are grown up enough to do it. Our collective consciousness hasn’t yet learned to accept that sometimes relationships, like everything in life, do end. And just because a relationship ended and you are hurt or angry, you don’t have to treat the other like an enemy. You can let someone know that you do not want to be in his/her life, without being hurtful.
That’s why some of us need a relationship site like this one. It’s very different than all the others in that it is about love and not mind games or immature behavior. I’ve learned a lot reading your articles. You have taught me to always be open and honest, to act from love, and let things happen naturally. My next relationship will be very different than all the others. Thank you.
I appreciate your kind words. I’m aware that my approach to relationships is not for everyone. Those who get it, get it. Those who don’t, don’t. I’m sure you know what I mean…):
Yangki, my ex cheated and when I confronted him he broke it off and told me not to contact him. Does telling him no contact undermines a healthy relationship and he needs to stop also apply here? Please help.
He cheated, broke it off and now doing “No Contact”, do you really need any more “proof” something is so wrong with this relationship?
If someone can’t stay and clean up the mess he made and instead runs away into hiding, he’s not worth much. They say “we teach people how they treat us”, what does trying to get him back teach him about how to treat you?
I used NC for 2 weeks the first time we broke up. She emailed me and we eventually got back together. This time I was the one who broke it off, she was going to breakup with me if I had not broken up with her first. She told me she wants nothing more to do with me, not ever. I have tried to contact her five times with no response. It’s been almost 3 montns of no contact, I think it’s best for me to wait and let her initiate contact.
That’s what happens when you use “no contact” to get your ex back. You will break up again shortly after. Why? Because the demand and supply principle doesn’t work well in relationships. Once you supply that “missing you” feeling (which getting back together does), things go back to “I want out”.
She said “not ever”, has not responded to 5 of your attempts to contact her, and it’s been 3 months… just let it go. I’m not saying give up because with love anything is possible. I’ve seen situations where people reconnect after years. But for now it’ s best to focus your energies elsewhere. You may find that by the time she starts contacting you, you have moved on, may be even met someone else.
Yangki, all of my past breakups ended with both of us agreeing to maintain contact knowing that our relationship had changed. My ex who broke up with me in January wants no contact. As I reflect on the relationship I can see the difference between this ex and all the others. She was needy and controlling and got very upset when things didn’t go the way she wanted. At first, this was exciting because our makeups were very passionate. As time went on, it became clear to me she was not very good at respecting boundaries, and I didn’t do a good job maintaining them. She’d call me in the middle of the night asking me why i said this or that and several occassions yelled at me in front of my buddies and family. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her and still do. I even sent her an email after the breakup telling her I love her but respect her wishes. She flipped out calling me cruel for breaking up with her and then saying i still loved and cared about her. I’ve decided to leave her alone. It’s probably for the best.
You make a very good point. People who have poor boundaries often are not good at respecting other people’s boundaries. That’s why they act needy and contact someone 20X a day. They don’t see anything wrong with that because they have no concept of healthy boundaries. When a relationship ends, they go overboard over contacting and then withdraw into no contact. It’s one extreme or the other. They don’t know “balance” at all.
It’s not clear what you mean by “leave her alone” but whatever it is, it’s your decision — and like you said, it’s probably for the best.
By “leave her alone” I mean stop trying to contact her because it’s pointless. I honestly believe she got off me begging her to take me back. Her texts have this “superior” tone to it and that pisses me off. To be honest with you, I reached a point where I was trying to make her think I want her back and then breakup with her. May be I’m just angry that I let this go on for longer than it should have. After spending two days on your blog, I realize that revenge is a waste of my time. She’s a beautiful woman who has a lot going for her but she’s also not the best relationship material.
No contact is a power trip for some. The tables have been turned and that kind of “power” can make one feel “superior” and even “irresistible” I’ve met many men and women who say it makes them feel good/validated when someone is begging them to take them back… but one has to wonder just what kind of person feels good seeing someone they say they love on their knees — broken. Power-plays don’t create a loving relationship down the road.
Anger, bitterness, and resentment can get you lots of friends on the internet, but it also weighs down your energy, and if you are not careful, distorts your perception of love and relationships. I’m glad my blog was able to talk you out of going down that path…):
We have had no contact since January as per her request. The hard part for me is to accept that someone I shared 3 years with doesn’t want anything to do with me. How can she forget everything we went through just like that? I suppose there is no hope of us getting back together and I need to move on.
My ex said she wants no contact but periodically sends me a text. I’ve noticed a pattern. The only time she contacts me is when she wants emotional support. She has problems with her mom and says I’m the only person she can talk to. She does this then disappears for weeks. When I contact her she does not respond.
Response to Austin:
Accepting that it may be really over is hard for most people, even when the facts show it is over. I don’t think people easily forget a 3 year relationship, they just make a conscious decision to move on from it. Without much detail I can say whether it is indeed over or not. (Note: this is not a request for you to write me your story, I do not have the time to read stories on my blog),
As the article says, when you are not sure, it’s best to assume they are moving on and start moving on yourself.
Response to Drascus:
She is using you for emotional support because you are allowing it. If you really want this to stop then you need to speak up. Tell her you’ve noticed that the only time she contacts you is when she wants emotional support. You care about her and want her to feel that she can share her problems with you, but not in the way she’s doing it. You have feelings too and if she can not see that, then this is not a kind of arrangement you want to be in.
Shine the mirror on her behaviour and if she does not see what’s wrong with it, you are better off without her.
Hiya. just want to applaude u for everything u do and all of the positivity u put out there which is hard to find nowadays. keep up the amazing work, im sure im not the only one who appreciates it lots lots!
Thanks Jay. Trying to do the best I can. Your appreciation is much appreciated…):
My ex decided she wanted no contact but each time we run into each other she acts angry and even yells at me at times. This has gone on for almost 2 months now. We have no contact other than the occasional run-ins which are unavoidable since we live near each other. If this no contact thing is supposed to help someone to gain control of his or her own emotions, why is my ex still angry at me?
You already answered your own question. She still has not gained control of her own emotions. Most people who use no contact stay angry because they dwell on negative thoughts about their ex with little or no effort (or intent) to work on their emotions.
She’s definitely the type that holds grudges. She still gets upset when she hears anything positive about her other two exes, one she dated over 7 years ago. I guess it’s no use holding hope that things can ever work between us or even just be friends.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. That she gets upset over news of someone she dated 7 years ago should have been a clue that there are much more deeper seated issues with her that need lots of serious emotional work. When things don’t seem to get better long after the break-up, it is also an indication that this relationship does not stand much of a chance even if you do get back together. Holding grudges for a very long time slowly eats at the very pillars — self-responsibility, respect, trust, emotional safety, etc. — that hold relationships together.
I followed your advice and sent my ex the email and immediately got a reply back. She wants to talk. This is the first time since she decided she wanted no contact 5 weeks ago that she has responded to my attempts to contact her. My question is 1) what do you think she wants to talk about and 2) how do I respond?
I don’t know what she wants to talk about… it could be anything. It’s best to go and find out what she wants to talk about and respond accordingly. The attitude that you take to the encounter will set the tone for the interaction. If you are too worried/over analytical, you will hear what you want to hear. If you are confrontational, you will have a fight on your hands. Easy, spontaneous, direct and honest aways leaves a good feeling.
Good luck!
Thank you for this article. I read so many books on how to win a man, they all said to not contact him more than he contacts you, and so on. My ex would barely communicate at all, hes not a big talker…and though it broke my heart and telling him so would of brought us closer, I used the advice in the books. It worked at first. He would call more, text more, the less I talked to him. But over time Taking the no contact advice destroyed my relationship. It no longer felt good to be with him, I never knew what to say. He broke up with me. He started seeing someone else, he cut me off after a painful episode, and now I have to try to get him back. Hopefully by being the real me, instead of using advice from a book, will bring him back again. Wish me luck! Thanks again for the article, and the new and improved perspective…which is oddly enough something I knew all along.
Thank you for writing this article. My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago and has been trying to get in touch. I know not returning her calls is not a good way to treat someone you spent 11 years with but I’ve been so wrapped up in my selfishness. She was good to me and I didn’t treat her well. I think I know what I need to do.
Good for you… ):
It takes a real man to 1) admit when he’s wrong and 2) step up to the plate. Go get your woman!
I broke up with my ex I didn’t see us working out long term. She’s still really angry with me for breaking up with her and wants no contact. I still care about her and want to know she’s ok but I don’t know if I should email or call her.
If she’s still angry there is no point asking if she’s okay… she’s not. You obviously don’t want her back, so let her grieve her own way without doing something that might raise false hope. May be months from now you can email or call, right now it’ll seem like rubbing it in — when that’s not your intention.
Thanks for writing this article. My ex and I have been trying to reconcile for the last 6 months. When we broke up she went no contact for 8 weeks. I didn’t contact her either. She called me and we spoke for 3 hours in which she asked me to get back together. When I said “no” she went back to no contact for another 4 weeks and called me again to get back together. She’s done no contact 3 times in the last 6 months. I love her so much but I’m not ready to take back somene who is too immature to work on the problems in the relationship. We’re stuck in a cycle of mind games and drama and it doesn’t matter what I do, she will keep playing immature games which have made it impossible to have a relationship with her. It seems my only option is to remove myself from the situation and completely let go of her. No one will say I didn’t try. I just wish things could’ve ended on a positive note.
I hear you… it gets old. If she’s not willing to stay and work things out, let her go. It’ll be hard for a while but you’ll be better off.
I don’t want to let go but I really am so tired and exhausted from all the mind games. It’s no contact for weeks then she comes back saying she loves me and misses me and doesn’t want me to let go. It would take a miracle to change things.
I’m in the same boat, she has instituted no contact 2 times in less than 2 months. I am so tired of it all, trying to understand her and making efforts to show her I really love and care deeply for her. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. It’s been over 4 weeks since we last had contact and I am not sure if I should even bother trying to contact her at this point. No contact is as confusing as hell.
My recent ex does this, and is doing it. If we have a spat, I usually try ring or reach out, I get stonewalled and ignored. So utterly hurtful. This recent time, I said I wanted to work things out, if we could. He said he wanted to also. But when I rang him (we had not spoken on phone in a week and felt we should instead of texting) I was ignored. Again and again.
It is his way of punishing me, yet he was the one who moved out, I needed bit of time from this because I was reeling and had alot on in my personal life (teenage son just landed on my doorstep to live with me the same day my ex moved in with me) Happy yet needed to readjust and maybe my ex wobbled (understandable) But then it just went worse because of this No Contact.
The mind game that NC is, has made me feel I dont want my ex back now…hes just carved a new life out (suddenly getting new job and househunting) All of this could have been avoided by talking. Its drove me crazy, Ive acted crazy and even though Ive told him how much it hurts me, he still does it.
On forums, Ive heard it all, the hardcore NCers…tried saying it was mind games a while back, got shot down, given excuses etc. When its coupled with other games like trying to get their ex jealous, i actually feel sad for the ‘evil dumper’ and glad that they are free from such manipulative vengeful people.
Oh and the grief people get should they “break NC” …peeps are made to feel weak or a failure or even called codependent just because they “gave in” and contacted.
Such a shame. Rules and games do not belong in loving relationships.
Alfonz, Stan and Jade, I can only imagine your frustration.
They say the test of someone’s character is not in how they are when things are going great but how they handle themselves when things aren’t going their way…
As much as it hurts, I personally believe your exess are actually doing you a favour with no contact. By using “No Contact” to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, punish you or get revenge, they are showing you who they really are, what they think of you and the value they place on a relationship with you.
That said, I’m a strong believer in “there’s two sides to every story”. There’s your side… and there’s your ex’s side. The truth lies in between.
This is why we don’t allow rants on this blog and why I restrain from giving “relationship advice” to people who seem angry. People who post “look what a jerk/b**ch my ex is” or “see how I have been wronged” stories and comments aren’t looking for “relationship advice”. They are looking for “moral support” from others who think the same way. That kind of “energy” can quickly turn a love-positive environment toxic — attracting more toxicity.
thanks yanki
there are indeed 3 sides to every story, and this is why im trying to see things from my ex’s point of view/perspective. this is also, as it happens, something that is lacking with the NC crowd – they dont see things from the other side, which leads to them only further making it about THEM, and anything else is projection of their own issues and reactions. So much more is resolved by communication, than hardcore NC (unless youre dealing with an abuser) I hope people look at this blog and reconsider and relect on no contact 
Well, I sent an email like you said almost word by word and got a text back from her saying she didn’t want it to be over. I replied saying I didn’t want it to be over either but we can’t work on things if she wants no contact. I immediately got a call back from her and we talked for 45 minutes. I don’t know how to proceed from here. I think I may need coaching.
Good for you for having the courage to take the bull by the horns…
I’ll need to hear the full details of your relationship to see if it’s possible that the dynamic that now exists will lead to changed behavior and a better relationship or if it’s impossible to change things, in which case you may both be better off in another relationship.
You’ll agree with me that writing all the details down will cover pages– and since I do not have the time to read long background stories, telephone coaching is best — that’s if you want my help.
My ex wants no contact and it hurts like hell that after 6 years she cut me off with not so much as “how are you?” Reading this it makes sense that this is how I was treated by my parents for years and years. They’d ignore me for weeks until I gave in to whatever they wanted me to do. I moved out at 17 to escape the abuse. At 19, I married a woman 68 years older who treated me like a child but I stayed coz she was all I had. She finally met someone and left me. I met my ex (10 older) and were together for 6 years, 11 break-ups and no contact mostly from her. She’s in no contact right now and I’ve been begging her to reconsider but she says I should only contact her when I’m ready to get back with her. I feel like I have no option since I love her very much.
You do have an option — that’s what the article is about.
Going back to someone you know is ignoring you with the sole purpose of making you give in is repeating the pattern from your childhood, first marriage and the 11 break-ups. If you want to stop being a victim, you have to take responsibility for yor own happiness– and mental health.
Wawarenss is the first step. The next step is actually doing something about it.
To the person who said “you should not have broken up”. You are assuming that a breakup is easier on the person who initiated it. I’m here to tell you it is not. I was the one who initiated the breakup because we were both miserable. My ex is passive aggressive, I know she would have never had the strength to end it. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. Unfortunately, he has decided that no contact is what is best for him. Knowing him, he does not think he needs to change. For me that means we’ll not be getting back together as a couple. I’m open to a friendship, but again knowing him that’s just never happening. So don’t assume that there is no sadness in making the decision to end the misery for both of you.
Walking away from a relationship that is frustrating or unhappy is not always about choosing the “easy way out”, especially if the other person doesn’t see the need to change. It’s having the courage to be honest about it.
I really wish things were different in your situation, but it is what it is. Hopefully, this experience will lead to you working on yourself and with time, have the relationship you deserve.
Dear Yangki, I dumped my ex but realized I was still in love with her. I’ve tried to make several attempts to contact her but she’s not responding. Her friends say she is still hurt from the break-up. I’ve been told that people don’t want contact if they still have feelings and contact makes it hurt even more. I want her back but don’t want to hurt her even more.
PS: we’ve been broken up for 6 months with no contact. I’m just wondering if her still hurting after 6 months is because she still has feelings for me.
It’s possible that she’s still hurting after 6 months but it doesn’t necessarily mean she still has feelings for you. Her hurting and having feelings for you are two different things. If you’ve contacted her at least 3 times and she’s still not responding, it may just mean that she wants nothing to do with you. 6 months is a long time, people move on.
If you are really serious about not wanting to hurt her anymore, then let her heal and get past the hurt her way. When she feels like it, she’ll contact you. But don’t put your life on hold waiting… she may or may not.
I’ve used no contact on two of my exs and now that I’m on the receiving end of it I can see why no contact is cruel and selfish. It is a revealing indication of why the relationship didn’t work. My story in short. She broke up with me after a big fight. A week later she came back saying she was sorry she overreacted. I told her we both needed time to really think about what we both wanted. This is because during the fight she said I wasn’t good enough for her and many other hurtful things. She said fine and I never heard from her again despite me sending her a couple of “hi, how are you” texts. Her refusing contact just confirms to me I made the right decision not to take her back. I should have seen the signs and recognized what they meant.
Sad that it has come to this when it didn’t have to.
I’m not sure what signs you are referring to. If it’s that she said you weren’t good enough for her and the other hurtful things, cut her some slack. Sometimes during a heated verbal fight people say very hurtful things they don’t really mean.
If it’s that when she doesn’t get what she wants, she runs and hides because it strokes her ego when you go looking for her — that’s not a good sign for any relationship.
Whatever you decide to do, it’s YOUR decision!