How to Start Over With Your Ex – Without ‘Giving Space’ – Pt 2

starting-over-with-your-ex-without-giving-spaceWhen a client comes to me with: I don’t want to push her away, I don’t want us to be just friends, I don’t want this and don’t want that. I know I am talking to fear, and I have a huge problem on my hands.

Any time you approach an undesired or unpleasant experience or situation motivated by fear, fear has already won, before you even start.

Your reasons, explanations or justifications for moving away from instead of towards your ex don’t matter because once you choose the side of fear, fear owns you. Just like that.

You will be too scared to take any steps towards your ex because all you see is you messing up, something going horribly wrong, you pushing your ex further away, you becoming ‘just a friend’, you not doing enough, you doing too much — all the things you fear.

The worst part of it all, when you are fear or avoidance motivated, you can’t be creative flexible or present. You stick to what’s ‘safe’, don’t initiate anything, react instead of respond, and most of all, you keep trying to re-create the old relationship.

You can’t start over when you are still trying to get the old relationship back. You just can’t.

To start over, there has to be, MUST be, a “before and after”.

So how do you create that “before and after” without “giving your ex space” doing “no contact” or “limited contact”? Without letting fear/avoidance overpower your desire to approach/move closer to your ex?

There are several ways to create distance between the past and present, most of which work or don’t work depending on the type of relationship you had/have, the reasons you broke up, whether or not your ex is open to suggestions, geography/proximity etc.

I’ll share three which work for everyone trying to create distance between the past and present.

1) Let the old relationship go.

There is going to be no new relationship if you keep poking at raw painful emotions or dragging past hurts and grievances to the present. You have to let the past fade away, let the old relationship die.

Keep the lines of communication open, but do not keep bringing up talk about the old relationship or the break-up until you are very sure the raw emotions attached to the old relationship are of the past. Even if you think you are trying to “remind” your ex of the good times, you never know what other unwanted emotions can come up.

Keep the past, in the past. If the old relationship comes up, briefly address why it’s come up and move on the present. The present is where you create the ‘new’ relationship.

2) Whatever you do, do NOT repeat the mistakes you made in the old relationship.

Any and all efforts to start over are useless if you are still needy/clingy, still manipulative, still controlling, still immature, still confrontational, still passive aggressive, still can’t communicate… still the OLD you.

If you are going to convince your ex that you can start over, you must first convince him/her that you are bringing the new YOU to the NEW relationship. Anything less is a waste of energy, emotions and time.

3) Create new memories

Yes, what you had was great, amazing, magical, out of this world… but it’s over.

Start creating something even more amazing by creating memorable landmarks for the new relationship. The first time you spoke on the phone after the break-up, the first time you went to out on a date, the first time you told each other you still had feelings for the other, etc. You get where I am going with this.

If the new relationship is going to be new, it’s got to feel new. For example, don’t go to the same coffee shop/restaurant you went in the old relationship, go somewhere you haven’t been together. Be and do new, to create new.

In a nutshell: You don’t have to “give your ex space” to start over. All you have to do is distance yourselves from the past and it’s problems, and start creating something new, better. To successfully do this, you need not just open lines of communication, you also need to be moving towards your ex.

Moving forward and towards your ex is the only way you are ever going to close that emotional gap created by the break-up. It’s the only way you are ever going to make significant progress. The only way you are ever going to get close again.

It’s okay if you take a step forward and get pushed back two steps, just keep moving forward, towards your ex… and not away from your ex.

1        2

Republished by Blog Post Promoter

More from Yangki Akiteng

A Thin Line Between Love And Needy

Republished by Blog Post Promoter
Read More

10 Comments

  • Hi Yangki, your advice has been very sobering. After spending time on your site I can clearly see all the things I have done wrong. I have reconnected with my ex, and you are right, fear of rejection was my problem. We text each other 2-3 times a week and although she’s a little cold and aloof at the moment, I am encouraged by the fact that she wants to keep the lines of communication open. My question is: how do I show her that I have let the old relationship go and want to start over?

    View Comment
  • Yangki, I am confused. I am working with a coach to get my ex back and he said I should not contact my ex right now because I have not developed the necessary relationship skills. So it is totally pointless for me to contact him now. What do you think?

    View Comment
    • Did he also tell you how you are supposed to develop the “necessary” relationship skills??? I don’t think so.

      If you want to be great at relationships, you have to learn to BE in one in a healthy/non intrusive way. You learn that by:

      1) developing a good understanding of how much closeness or distance a particular individual (in this case your ex) is comfortable with, and then;

      2) finding that balance between closeness and independence (it’s different for everyone).

      This requires contact and communication. Without communication, you are just working with a theory in your head… or your coach’s head.

      View Comment
  • I was already in contact with my ex before I even found this site. We didn’t do the no contact thing, we are both in our 40s and it seemed immature and childish considering we are good friends and like each other’s company. She ended the relationship because I became complacent and took her for granted. She however left the door open and we have since gone out on two dates both initiated by me. She also said she noticed a change in me because I’m more attentive and talk about how I feel. Reading the articles on this site, I think I’m doing good so far. Wish me luck.

    View Comment
    • Good for you…

      You are right. The majority of people who do the ‘no contact’ thing most likely had a lousy relationship, bad break-up or are not good at balancing closeness and emotional space. It makes sense that ‘no contact’ is their go to. What else can they do?

      If you had a good relationship, were friends and like each other, it makes no sense to cut each other off just because the relationship didn’t work out. But you need a certain level of maturity to even see that… ;p

      I wish you luck… and sending you love energy.

      View Comment
  • I’m confused. Are you saying one should not be concerned about when to contact their ex or how many times? This can cause a serious problem if being needy and contacting your ex all the time was the reason you broke up.

    View Comment
    • What I’m saying is that how well you space your contacts is not what makes your ex want to come back.

      Communication and contact are two very different things. You can contact someone and still there is no communication. Just contact alone is like someone who shows up to work exactly when they are supposed to but does absolutely no work. He/she just sits there waiting for the day to end so that he/she shows up again tomorrow – on time.

      What you are communicating –the emotions touched and inspired, and the feeling that things can be good again or better — is what eventually makes someone want to come back. Anything else is a bridge to nowhere.

      View Comment
  • Like many, I made the mistake of doing no contact and when I reached out to her she was very upset that I ignored all of her texts. I apologized and told her I got bad advice. She said ok, but then I made another mistake doing low contact. She replies to my texts but only one word like ‘nope” or “sure”, and I just have no idea what to do next. I really love this woman and want her back, but how can I make a connection if she only replies with one word?

    View Comment
    • There are several reasons why you get one-word responses. See: What Do My Ex’s One Word Answers Mean?

      In your case, ) she’s mad at you for NC and 2) since you have LC mindset you many be playing too safe and not engaging her emotionally.

      I could say to you say this or say that, but that’s a band-aid response that will produce no long-term results. Learning how to emotionally connect is not just matter of ‘what to say’ but also how you say it, when you say it and why. Use this site to help you learn emotional connection and see if you can get past her one-word answers.

      View Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *