Most, if not all of us, want someone who has rejected us to realize just how much they’ve lost.
Some exes do indeed realize just how important we’re in their lives. But sometimes however good boy/girlfriend material you are, you can’t persuade your ex that you have all the qualities he/she is looking for in a partner.
In the beginning of the relationship, he/she was sure that you are “the one”, but as time went on, you failed to measure up to expectations. He/she became more and more dissatisfied with the relationship because it did not meet his/her needs and wants. Feeling unsatisfied and unhappy, he/she makes the decision to end the relationship despite the fact that he/she still has strong feelings for you.
The conflict between your ex’s feelings of love, and his/her unmet needs and wants often plays out in how your ex interacts with you and the decisions he/she makes about you.
On one hand, he/she has strong feelings for you; and on the other hand, he/she feels that the relationship does not meet his/her wants and needs.
On one hand, he/she feels that he/she lost someone he/she loves; and on the other hand, he/she thinks it’s what’s best if he/she has to have a chance at happiness.
If you don’t know the wants and needs driving the decisions your ex is is making about you, you may find yourself confused by the mixed signals he/she is sending you.
To you, he/she comes across as confused and doesn’t know what he/she wants; but to your ex, he/she sees you as incapable of meeting his/her important needs and wants.
Knowing the wants and needs driving the decisions your ex is is making about you can help you not only communicate your value more effectively, but also determine if you have a chance of getting him/her back — or if you are just wasting your time trying to get back someone who is firmly determined to move on without you.
The best way to find out is to ask. You can learn a great deal about someone by simply asking. Asking takes away the guess work and gives you a more accurate and complete picture of what’s important to your ex than trying to figure things out on your own.
Keep in mind that what someone wants and what he/she needs are often two different things. Many of us may not know exactly what we want, but we always know what we need. Your task is to determine what are your ex’s wants and what are his/her true needs.
If he/she immediately states what he/she wants, that is what he/she wants. Don’t try to over-analyze the information to make it fit your story of what you think he/she should want. If he/she appears to struggle with answering the question or is indecisive, ask about what he/she is struggling with, and why. Remember ASK, not tell or explain to him/what you think he/she is struggling with, and why.
Once you have this knowledge, you can use it to develop effective conversations that demonstrate to your ex that what you offer meets his/her most important wants and needs, and trigger positive action.
The more you know about the needs and wants driving your ex’s decision about you, the more easily you can demonstrate why being in a relationship with you is something he/she can’t afford to lose.
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