How to Get Your Ex to Start Initiating Contact

get-your-ex-stay-longer-text-conversationsNow that you know what emotional momentum is and how important it is to catching and holding your ex’s attention long enough for him/her to begin looking forward to your texts or calls, and even start initiating contact; your next step should be to move away from meaningless contact to actual real conversations that bring you closer to your ex.

An emotionally bonding conversation is emotionally satisfying on its own. Many emotionally bonding conversations over an extended period of time intensify emotional involvement creating emotional momentum.

1) Identify what your ex feels emotionally connected to.

Remember I said earlier on that each and everyone of us has emotional catalysts that hurry us along towards making a decision, and it’s different for everyone.

Well, if you’ve actually been “present” in your relationship and not just riding along on great sex or emotional drama, or walking on egg-shells around your ex, you should know your ex well enough to know what holds your ex’s attention.

If you don’t know what holds your ex’s attention, it will be really hard to build emotional momentum.

2) Find the emotion and use it in an interesting yet authentic way.

When people communicate, they give away a lot of information about how they are feeling. I’m not taking about how your ex is feeling about YOU, that’s the “Me, Myself and I” mentality at work.

I’m talking about how THEY feel… if they are happy/excited about an achievement, feeling sad about something that happened, stressed out at work etc.

Yes, that “how THEY feel”…. the one you are not interested in because it’s not about you.

That “how THEY feel” is VERY important if you want to be a part of your ex’s emotional world, make your ex look forward to your texts or calls, and get him/her to start initiating contact.

How you do that is by connecting to the emotion he/she is communicating at any particular moment.

This is one other reason why maintaining contact with your ex is crucial. It’s hard to know if your ex is happy, feeling sad or stressed out if you haven’t been in contact for 3 months.

3) Make sure you do not force emotional momentum to happen.

It’s so easy to get too emotionally involved in trying to create emotional momentum that you end up undermining what you’re trying to achieve.

“Trying too hard” will show as forced, unauthentic and manipulative.

The trick is to stay present (a conversation at a time). Be genuinely interested in what your ex is interested in — ask questions, make suggestions, provide additional insight, challenge etc, pay attention to how your ex is feeling and connect with that feeling or emotion.

Do this over an extended period of time, and those emotionally bonding great conversations will begin to build emotional momentum.

You can create emotional momentum just by text, email and phone calls alone — without meeting in person. In some cases it may even be best to hold off meeting in-person until there is enough emotional momentum to make the in-person meeting or date more effective.

If you are struggling with building momentum, I am happy to work with you one-on-one to develop a strategy/plan of action that’ll move things forward.

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39 Comments

  • Yangki, I have been reading your articles for around a month now and finally bought your book a few days ago as i wanted more guidance. My ex and I talk on a regular basis and he responds to my texts immediately. However, I noticed that he responds pretty quickly to questions related to his work, family and dog. But when I ask him anything personal like what he is doing over the weekend he stops answering my texts or says something like “not much” or “going out”. Is there a reason for this? And how do I get him to open up more?

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    • It takes time for an ex to let you in on their personal life especially if you have been cut off from each other’s life for a prolonged period of time.

      As long as he’d responding and engaged, keep building emotional momentum and responding to his emotional bids for connection. He’ll open up as emotional safety is created. All that is in the book.

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  • We were together for 8 months and he broke it off because he didn’t feel he was in love with me. After 3 weeks of no contact, I reached out to him. I used your advice and we’ve been on 5 dates. I initiated 2 and he initiated 3. We both have busy schedules but we try to keep in touch every day. My question is, should I now step back and let him pursue me? I don’t want to push him away but I also want him to feel he’s in love with me.

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    • With the information you’ve given, I don’t think that he’ll “pursue” you if you pull back, now.

      I think that you should do more to address why he didn’t feel he was in love with you. If you don’t, you’ll get to a certain point (like before) and he’ll again break it off because he’s not feeling “it”.

      Why he’s not feeling “it” may have to do with you trying to “manage” the relationship a little too much (like you are doing now), instead of letting things happen more naturally. Just a wild guess…

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  • Hi Yangki, I have been following your ebook and also had 1 hr session with you. Your advice has been very helpful. She has initiated 2 conversations in the last month. Should I now step back and let her initiate more?

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    • It’ll set you back. Two conversations doesn’t seem like balance has been restored, I am sure you have initiated a lot more. See if you can get to a ratio of one for one or even one for two, before you change anything.

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  • Starting last week she began not responding to my texts and sending one word answers. She even turned down my requests to speak over the phone. My first response was to give her space and not contact her for a few weeks. But this has pretty much been the pattern so I decided to try your approach. I asked some very specific questions. At first I got the same one word responses, but after a couple of texts she opened up more. She even sent me a couple of links and followed up with asking me what I thought. Is this emotional momentum?

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  • Yangki, I had momentum until last week. I went to a party and got completely wasted and sent him a drunk text saying I really missed him. The next morning I regretted it and wrote him one back saying that I missed him as a person and that he shouldn’t get freaked out. He didn’t reply until the next day, “I understand :)”. I thought well its over and so called him for closure but he didn’t answer. This morning, two days later, I received a text from him “I was with family over the weekend. How was your weekend?” His family lives in another state. I replied “Weekend was good 🙂 thanks for asking. Hope you have a good week :)” and that is it. What do you think?

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    • I agree, some momentum was lost there. Your impulsive actions may have given him some concern. It’s almost like you’re subconsciously trying to sabotage yourself and any possibilities of a relationship. But he’s still responding, that’s always a good sign that all is not completely lost.

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