The one question almost anyone trying to get his/her ex back has asked him/herself is “What if there is someone else?”
Someone else in the picture is a scary thought, for some people a scary reality. You feared it would happen, it happened, you don’t like it – and now you have to make a decision.
- Should I continue trying to get my ex back; fight for my relationship?
- Should I leave them alone and hope it’s a rebound and it’ll end soon enough?
- Should I give up now and move on with my life?
There is no one “right” answer for what you should do. The only “right” answer is what is best for YOU.
I have worked with men and women who say, “we’re not together, he/she has a right to date whoever he/she wants”.
I have worked with men and women who are like, “I can’t play second fiddle. It’s just wrong that he/she eats his/her cake and has it too”.
I have worked with people who accept that they have a challenge in front of them but want to give it a shot anyways, and those that don’t see how they can possible compete with the other man/woman.
Like I said, the only “right” answer is what is best for YOU.
If you should decide to try to get back together even when your ex is seeing someone else, the first most important step is figure out how “serious’ your ex’s relationship with the other man/woman is.
1. How serious is your ex’s relationship with the other man/woman?
How soon after the break-up or how long your ex and the other man/woman have been together (as discussed in my article: Facts About Rebound Relationships – Will it Last) is not necessarily a good indicator of whether or not you can still get back your ex.
If they have been together for a year, are already introducing each other to the other’s friends and family, moved in together or engaged, the relationship is probably “serious” enough that getting your ex back may not be very realistic.
There are exceptions where someone got back their ex who was in a “serious” relationship, but it’s rare.
The second most important step is figure out your competitive advantage.
2. What’s your advantage over your competition?
I don’t like the word “competition” when applied to relationships because I don’t think there should be “competition” for someone’s love. But what I think/want and reality are sometimes two very different things. When there is a conflict between my beliefs/wants and reality, I tend to err on the side of reality because reality is real. It may be subjective, but it’s probably the only real thing in life.
When your ex is seeing someone else, the reality is that you now have “competition” for your ex’s attention, affection and love. You may not like it, but there it is… reality!
Why should your ex choose you over the other man/woman? You have to be really, really realistic about this.
I have worked with men and women who are so delusional about their “superiority” that I know without a thread of doubt that they are not going to be the “chosen one”. Not because they don’t have an “advantage”, but because they are way off on the ego trip. Like you know who… yes, HIM. The ‘bestest’. The greatest.
Then there are men and women I just could not remain “objective” about and just had to blurt out, “Are you kidding me? You are most people’s dream man/woman. Your ex has to be crazy to walk away in the first place.” And some of them are surprised (bless their humble hearts) that they are that “good” a catch.
Bottom line: Know your advantage and take advantage of it. (See my article: Why Your Ex Should Choose You).
The third most important step is figure out a strategy and plan of action
3. What’s your strategy and plan of action for getting back your ex (from the other man/woman)?
When do I contact my ex? How many times a week do I contact my ex? What do I say?… is not a a coherent strategy. I explain this in detail in my Dating Your Ex eBook.
The presence of another man/woman adds another layer of “difficulty” to getting back together, and that should be factored into your strategy. Even if you decide to let your strategy evolve organically, handling each day as it comes, it’s still important to have a plan on how to move things forward in the right direction.
It’s also important to stick to a course of action. If you keep flip-flopping between “I want to try” (when things feel good) and “I think I should move on” (when your ex isn’t responding the way you want him/her to), you will not get anywhere. The more time you spent back-and-forth, the less attractive you are — and the more time there is for your ex’s relationship with the other man/woman to get “serious”.
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