1. There is nothing wrong with wanting to contact your ex, or even wanting to spend time with him/her.
2. What scares off an ex who still wants to be in contact with you is NOT that you are contacting him/her. What scares your ex is the unhealthy and damaging way you go about seeking connection.
3. If you are worried that if you contact your ex or ask him/her to spend time with you, you will scare him/her off, chances are that YOU WILL scare him/her off.
People with well-functioning internal emotional monitors and regulators do not worry about scaring their ex off. They trust themselves to know when they are doing too much or too little contact, and when they’ve gone too far or acted too soon.
In fact you never hear them say “I don’t want to scare my ex off, “I fear that I’ll push my ex away”, “I worry that if I contact my ex, I might over do it” or “I’m worried that I’ll become just a friend”.
They believe in they ability to self-regulate. And even in cases where they might overshoot, they don’t get overly worried or beat themselves up because they know they can get things back on track.
Fixing the emotional regulation system is a complex process.
One approach many use to try to regulate their emotions is “control” or “stop” themselves from feeling any emotions related to the need for connection. But attempting to control your need for connection using techniques like the “No Contact Rule” “Low Contact” or any other method that suppresses your need for connection:
1) Makes you crave connection in an unhealthy and damaging way;
2) Slows or impedes your ability to connect in a healthy and constructive way.
I’ve written many articles explaining why fearing or avoiding contact, and/or trying to connect with your ex using manipulation, mind games or dirty tricks not only affects your relationship with your ex, but also affects you as a person — your ability to connect with someone you love in a healthy, beautiful and magical expression of love.
Those that take this approach sometimes end up back with their ex, but without that “magic” that exists between two people who want to share their time, space, life, feelings, love and everything with each other.
The majority don’t get their ex back, not because their ex stopped loving them, but because they are so afraid of coming across as “needy and clingy” that they’ve completely lost the ability to connect.
The approach to fixing the emotional regulation system that I personally recommend is to seek therapy and sort out your issues related to co-dependency, abandonment, low self-esteem, fear of rejection or embarrassment, feelings about betrayal, inability to communicate feelings and emotions, impatience etc.
But sometimes therapy can take a while before you can see any significant results.
The third alternative, which I’ve found not only to be effective but also to work faster is to completely change the way you seek connection, especially with your ex.
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