Trying Too Hard Is Hurting Your Relationship

You met this wonderful person and the first date is great. So is the second and third, but then he/she stops calling. You panic. When you manage to catch him/her on his/her cell, there is an awkward exchange and he/she ends the brief exchange with the excuse that he/she is too busy/ exhausted to talk or is currently going through an emotionally difficult time or is dealing with some career/business challenges. He/she promises to call or visit later. But that never happens.

Your immediate reaction when you sense the other person is pulling away is to attempt a control strategy. A part of you tells you his/her behaviour is a flashing exit sign but somehow you manage to  find a logical reason to justify his/her behaviour.

You tell yourself, may be it’s “emotional residue” from an ex, growing up with an alcoholic mother or absent father, deeply hurt by someone else etc. What he/she needs is your devotion, love and attention.

So you send him/her emails urging him/her to hang in there. You start advising, coaching or affirming him/her. You constantly prod him/her for information even become aggressively obsessed with wanting to know what has caused him/her to “distance”. You are in so much stress and panic you hang onto every little contact from him/her even if he/she is only contacting you to tell you he/she does not “feel the connection” the way you do.

In your mind you, you’re trying to show the other person that you you’re “deeply in love”, but the passive-aggressive behaviour only drives him/her further away. Many times attempts at using “giving too much” only lead to frustration.

There is no real happiness and fulfillment in one-sided love!

When you do all the “pushing” or forcing things to happen, the other person doesn’t feel that they have to do anything, they just go along until they feel it’s time to drop off.  You are left holding the rope with no one on the other side.  But when you let someone (of course you have to inspire them so they see what a life with you is like), you give them the opportunity to decide for themselves that if they don’t do something, they’ll miss out on something that they also want — as opposed to being constantly prompted to want.

It’s like a product, if you are not interested, the telemarketers have to keep calling you to make you want to buy (and that can irritate). But if you are interested in a product, you’ll drive distances to find it — and there is no cost that is too much.

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4 Comments

    • If you are finding this intense, then you should tell her that you’ve not had this experience before and it’s a little overwhelming for you. It’s only polite and decent to let people know how their actions make you feel, as long as you’re not be obnoxious about it. If you feel that telling her would hurt her feelings, then just ignore the numerous emails and respond only when you feel comfortable doing so. That will naturally pace things out.

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  • We had a great first date. I let him kiss me and said goodbye. A week goes by and no call, no email, nothing. I called and left a voice message. He did not call back. My gf said he was testing me to see how many times id call him. She said I shd call him everyday morning and evening. Now I feel that he might be thinking that I’m crazy. I just want him to know the reason I reacted the way I did was because I felt hurt.

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    • You set your hopes too high and got bad advice from your gf. You two may have had a great date, but when he was alone he decided he didn’t want to pursue it further, that’s why he never called. And even if he had wanted to pursue things further and may have been distracted by something else that had nothing to do with you, the calling him everyday certainly made up his mind real quick. I don’t think telling him that you acted the way you did because you were hurt will change anything. Learn something from this experience and move on.

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