Sunday October 4th 2015

How Long Do I Wait Before I Try To Get Him Back?

toronto_akiteng-1037Question: We broke up in March, did not have any kind of contact until May when I initiated contact via Facebook. We send each other emails and talk on the phone once in a while. Back in June I asked him if we should give the relationship another chance and he said he is not ready to get back with me because he is working on himself. He has been open with me and has told me he is seeing a counselor for some anxiety related issues, has a new job and is working out. It’s end of August and nothing has changed. I’m getting impatient and frustrated.  How long do I wait before I try to get him back?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: I applaud your ex for realizing that he needs to work on himself and for not going NC while he does it. However, from years of experience helping people get back their ex, “I’m working on myself” though it sounds reasonably impressive isn’t always what is seems to be.

Some people use “I’m working on myself” when 1) they want to keep you “just as  a friend” and fear losing you if they let you in on their “agenda” or 2) don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you “we will never get back together” or 3) if you’re having ex-sex, want the sex but not you. In these situations “I’m working on myself” is just an excuse, after all you can’t fault someone for wanting to improve him/herself or for wanting to be healthier/happier.

I am not saying this is the case with your ex, I’m letting you know that these words mean different things in different situations. The other thing with this is that it is hard to tell when someone will feel that there is enough work done because it is a continuous process.

Based on my experience with many of my clients, if you push and try to get him into a relationship before he feels ready, he’ll convince himself that you are the “wrong” person for him because you are putting you and your agenda before him and his agenda.

Use the contact space to keep yourself updated on what is happening in his life. But in addition, try to subtly find out if there is really a place for you in his “new life” after he’s worked on himself. One thing you can try is next time he talks about the “improvements” in his life, ask him “Is there any way I can be of help/support” (for whatever it is he is talking about).  If he dismisses your “offer”, that’s not a good sign. If however, he is happy “including you” in whatever he is working on, it means he still wants you to be a major player in his life. Go out of your way to be of help/support thereby creating a place for yourself in the “new life” he is creating for himself.

It’s important that you train yourself to relax, have your own independent life and concentrate on building a better and stronger relationship, and when it’s time you will just know by the way you do things with each other. Something will be different. It could be that you’ll just see a look, a change in how much time you spend together, the hints your ex is giving about the possibility, etc. It could be anything that makes you think and feel that you haven’t felt or been that way with each other since the break-up (or ever before).

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

33 Responses to “How Long Do I Wait Before I Try To Get Him Back?”

  1. Moveslow says:

    I called my ex after no contact for 1.5 months. He has not called me back. How much time should I give him before I call him again or should I even call him?

  2. This is why I discourage “no-contact”. It’s a bullet in your own foot. That said it’s normal for an ex not to respond the first time you initiate contact. I suggest that you give it a week/two and then send an email that is casual and friendly but does not mention “the relationship”. Something that asks about him, some of the things you know are important to him, etc. and briefly mentions you are doing well. Then end with you’ll be in touch.

  3. DiggingVera says:

    I’ve been on no contact for 8 weeks but tonight I called my ex because I did a little snooping on her Facebook page and she had written that she’s the happiest she’s even been for the last 3 years — the time we dated. She said “I’ll call you back” and has not called. I’ve been texting her like crazy but no response. I’m literally back in tears after 8 weeks in which I was getting used to being without her. I’m going back to NC and will not respond even if she contacts me.

  4. InterlRedial says:

    I say at least 3 months of NC. In that time she’ll have realized what life’s like without you.

  5. Joey says:

    4 months of NC and still haven’t heard from my ex. My guess is that she has moved on and too busy with her new guy.

  6. Bluedog says:

    Not having contact is your best chance of getting her back. Let her know what it is like to miss you. Only when she truly realizes how much she misses having you around will you have a chance at getting her back.

  7. You’re only seeing it from your point of view – not the other person’s. There is no guarantee that he/she’ll miss having you around especially if having you around is what he/she was running away from in the first place. Remember, it’s so much easier to forget someone who doesn’t seem to care about our well-being than it is to forget someone who cares. If a friend distanced him/herself from me when I was going through a hard time and sorting out some personal stuff, I would NEVER be interested in having that person in my life ever again.

  8. Joey says:

    I don’t understand why the space wouldn’t make her want to come back to me.

  9. Planetcredit says:

    I’m 6 weeks into NC and it seems she not even noticed something is going on. In the relationship I was the only one who made all the efforts, she didn’t make any effort. I just want to know if she’s hurting because she’s missing me

  10. Why did you think NC would affect someone who already seemed unconcerned? I do not endorse NC, but I believe that if ever you have to “distance” yourself from your ex it should be for your own emotional health not because you think you’ll hurt them for hurting you. The only person you hurt is you.

  11. Moe says:

    I’m in week 3 of n/c. Tuesday last week he called me but I didn’t answer the phone. Next day he emailed me “I tried to call you to see how you are doing” but I didn’t respond to the email. Monday this week I felt really bad about it and sent him and email, he has not responded. I know I must not break n/c but just don’t want to play games. I feel like this is what I’m doing.

  12. If you don’t want to play games, don’t play games. It’s very simple.

  13. sg says:

    I love your advice.

  14. Thanks Sg… just doing what I can do to help :)

  15. nick says:

    Great article. Called ex and Instead of “I’m working on myself” ex said she is happy being single and doesn’t miss me. She did say she loves me, but it sounds like she doesnt want me. Why is it so difficult to know this and move on?

  16. “Just moving on” is never easy. I wrote an article How Do You Stop Loving Someone? Hopefully can help you understand why it’s hard to just “switch off” those feelings. It takes a while but gets better with time.

  17. Kj says:

    My ex told me the same thing six months ago…but I continued to initiate contact until about two months ago bc he seemed so aloof. So I just talked to him, he told me was seeing someone new. I want him back, but now I am just sooo confused!

  18. Debbi says:

    Broke up end of October. No contact since. As a woman I feel that men want the chase and contacting him will make me feel needy and desperate. What do you think?

  19. I think that you have only two options.

    1. Hold onto your beliefs about men wanting the chase and contacting a man as being desperate, and wait for him to contact you.

    2. Examine your beliefs against the reality of the modern era we today live in.

  20. Nahyla says:

    I told my ex it’s best to have no contact. I regretted it a few hours later and called him back. We talked for 3 hours about things we had never said to each other and didn’t know the other felt. We agreed to stay in contact while working on ourselves separately. We text each other 3 times a week, speak on the phone once a week. His birthday is coming up in March, should I send him a gift or card? We always bought each other gifts. Does sending him a gift ruin my chances?

  21. I don’t think it will necessarily “ruin” your chances. However common sense says you are not in “a relationship” at the moment, that means you can’t do things the way you would if you were in a relationship.

    If by his birthday you are still not together, I suggest that you send a simple b-day card. It’s not a gift, but it’s a realistic reflection of where things are at the moment.

  22. mary says:

    i have been on NC for 2 and a half months. my ex called me exactly a month after our break up, i didn’t pick his calls and didn’t call or text him back. i temporarily left facebook since the break up and just got back about 2weeks ago. after a few days he removed me from his facebook account. i dont know if i should call him. what do you think?

  23. I don’t recommend, approve or endorse “No Contact”, and therefore don’t know how it’s supposed to work in a situation like this or any other situation. You will get better advice asking someone (authors, blog or site) who knows more about how “No Contact” is supposed to work. I have no clue, I’m sorry.

  24. Pete says:

    We were broken up for almost 4 months. I dated a few women but the more women I dated the more I realized I was comparing them all to her. Nobody was good enough. Eventually I contacted her but it took another 2 months and a few texts before she finally responded. We now communicate 3 – 4 times a week but we do not talk about the relationship or about “us”, because I am so afraid to “mess up”. It’s hard because I want to tell her I love her and want her back. I wonder if you have any suggestions for me.

  25. You are right to be afraid. Talking about the “old relationship” does bring back some unwanted emotions and feelings from the past to the present. But that doesn’t not mean you should never talk about the “old” relationship or about “us”. It’s all about timing. My advice is always not to start talking about the “old” relationship or about “us” until you are somewhat sure that the “new relationship” has taken root. That way the “unwanted emotions” from the “old” relationship when they do come up pale in comparison to the new feelings brought about by the “new” relationship.

  26. Hannah says:

    Yangki, I’ve learned a lot from your articles and books about loving without expectations or assumptions. I don’t know if it’s too late fro me and my ex though.

  27. I don’t have any background to your relationship, so I don’t know if it’s too late for you. What I do know is that sometimes just changing how we love, changes how we are loved.

    If you are still in contact and he/she is responding, just keep loving openly and honestly, without expectations or assumptions and see what happens. May be that’s just exactly the new change in you that’ll get your ex to think things can be different — and better.

  28. Vinnie says:

    Broke up with ex march, cut contact with her for 2 months, made contact, chatted for 2 weeks, asked her if she wanted to hang out, she said no. I left her alone for another 1 month, made contact but no response. Contacted her after 5 weeks coz it was her birthday. Simple birthday card and got thank you back. Sent her a text but no reply. I think that shes not ready to talk to me now and it’s best to leave her alone for may be another 1 month then attempt to open lines of communication again. What do you think, love doctor?

  29. I think that doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is insane. In other words, whether you leave her alone for 1 month, or 1 year, is not going to change anything!

    Why? Because people don’t fall in love with you because you “leave them alone”. People fall in love because of how you make them FEEL.

  30. rlerner says:

    I have tried for nearly a month to get him back, however he told me last Mon that he simply does not love me anymore. That he feels nothing for me and is happy without me in his life. I called him Sun and he won’t take my call. How can you get back the affections of a man who is absolutely happy you are not in his life anymore?

  31. From what you wrote, it seems that something really terrible happened for him to say he is happy without you in his life. Without knowing what it is, I can’t say for sure you can get him back. There has to be some kind of positive emotional connection (however small) left for you to build on. In this case it seems there is none.

  32. Emily says:

    I have changed so much since we broke up 6 months ago. I feel that I am exactly what my is looking for, but I think its too late.

  33. There is only one way to find out. Contact your ex if you haven’t yet done so. If he is still single and still has feelings for you, it’s not too late. Give him a chance to get to know the new you!

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