Question: Yangki, besides the fact that we see each other only on weekends, my boyfriend has no romantic bone in him. I don’t know if I am doing things the wrong way or that he just doesn’t get it. I’ve tried subtle ways to teach him but it’s like he has no clue! I love him so much and would like to show him my sexy romantic side you write in your post but don’t know how to best help him.
Yangki’s Answer:It’s true that some people are more “romantic” than others and also what may be “romantic” to one person may not be considered romantic to be to the other. It’s also true that some people – especially women – assume that their man shares their idea of “romantic” and he should just know what to say and do.
The first place to start helping your relationship is is openly and honestly talk about what each wants, dreams and fantasizes about – with a partner. Sometimes a meaningful conversation – not when you’re angry or frustrated but a quite calm heart-to-heart talk – about what you want and desire makes a huge difference. See if you can put into action those areas that match and make a commitment to explore those areas that you may not right away see eye-to-eye on. Sometimes just knowing a partner is willing to do something different can inspire and motivate the other partner to also want to try.
If you can’t have these open conversations and can’t make these kind of trade-offs then there is something more “wrong” with your relationship than just your boyfriend not being romantic enough.
The second thing you can do to help both of you is to change YOU. It seems from your comment that you’re focused on changing him. You may have read or heard it said over and over, you can’t change someone else. The only person you can change is YOU. To make what you want happen will have to begin with YOU.
Do you feel “free” to just be yourself with your boyfriend – weaknesses, fears, vulnerabilities, cellulite, scars warts and all? Can you tell and show him what you feel without fear of him losing interest or rejecting you?
Emotional nakedness – taking off the emotional clothes/masks/ defenses and allowing yourself to be seen by another for who you are, including all of your fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities and weaknesses is something most people – both men and women really struggle with.
To get to the level where you’re sexually open, free and naturally flirtatious and seductive you have to BECOME okay with being seen emotionally exposed. You have to become okay with giving yourself permission to be JUST YOU. By so doing you also give the other person permission to be himself without fear of being judged and rejected for being who he IS.
If you can’t feel free to share “how you really feel” or to just be yourself (unmasked) forget about feeling free to be sensually, sensuously and creatively sexy with your boyfriend. You can “act” it but that’s just it – an act that gets old real fast.
The third thing you can do to help both of you is to really take a good, honest and objective look at your relationship. It all comes down to what kind of relationship you have.
As I mentioned in my post: Recipe For A Crazy Hot Sex Life [Women Only], if you treat your sex life as one more thing you “have to do” to please a man or have “it’s a man’s job to make me feel like a princess” mentality, forget about a crazy hot sex life!
Changing your attitude and ways of loving, and most importantly how you relate and interact with your man from passivity/passive aggressiveness to being proactive in creating what you want, expecting him to play mind reader to openness in your communications, always trying to control and manipulate everything to allowing yourself to be vulnerable (right person, right time and place) goes a long way in opening both of you up to the kind of experiences you long for. Your own change changes the other person’s response towards you and consequently the type of relationship you’ll have.
In other words, to change your sex life you have to change the dynamic/interaction between the two of you. Those two go hand in hand. If and when you’ve done all you can to create the relationship that allows for open, honest and easy flowing interaction (with no fears of just being yourselves) and the two of you still can’t agree on what is “romantic”, or you feel that you can’t accept him as he IS (or strongly feel that you’re “settling”), move on. It’s possible that you’re not “romantically compatible”, and staying together and trying to change the other person is holding both of you hostage to “what could have been” but isn’t, and will never be.
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