What Does She Mean By She Wants Me To Lead?

what-does-she-mean-by-she-wants-me-to-leadQuestion: My girlfriend of 2 years told me that she loves me but does not want a relationship with me because to her I don’t fit the bill for what she wants in a guy. She says I’m intelligent, hard working, funny, have a kind, romantic and very loving and she loves all that about me but says I’m just not strong enough for her. She says she can take care of herself and resents that I put her on a pedestal. She says she does not want a “female led relationship” and wants me to sometimes take charge and not just wait to be told or shown what to do (those are her words which I obviously don’t agree is a true description of reality). I’m very romantic and have surprised her with dinners, gifts and last year took her on a surprise ship cruise for our 1st Year Anniversary. How do I make her understand that I have her best interest at heart and want only what’s best for her?

Yangki’s Answer: First of all, I commend you for recognizing that treating a woman with respect and love is more important that keeping her in her place (whatever that place is…).

In my opinion, her asking for a balanced relationship is only fair and healthy. In some relationships the role of the woman as the dominant partner works but in your case she’s made it clear that she’s not happy with that kind of arrangement. So even if you think that you have her best interest at heart and want only what’s best for her, that’s not what she wants. And even if you don’t agree with her account of what is happening in the relationship, it’s her reality and trying to talk her out of it gets you nowhere. If it’s not what she wants, then it’s not in her best interest. It’s more like what’s in your best interest and what you want.

I also think that you may have not fully understood what it is she wants from you. I don’t think what she wants is for you to dominate her (like your friends are doing), I think she just wants an assertive, decisive and confident man with a backbone. A man who can take charge of his own life and at the same time let’s her make her own decisions and choices but is not afraid to offer his input even when not asked. But more importantly, a man who knows when to step up, take charge and lead by example. Someone who doesn’t just sit back and let her decide on everything, say anything and do anything and doesn’t challenge her or call her out on it.

Convincing her that making all the decisions and being in charge of the relationship is good for her does not seem like a realistic option. That leaves you with two other options:

1) Agree to meet each other mid-way. But from the looks of it, it’s going to have to be you to step up and do half the taking charge since she already has indicated that she’s willing to let you take charge sometimes. Whether that is workable in real life will only be seen when you actually do it and she willingly lets you.

2) Let this relationship go and find yourself a woman who wants to be the dominant partner in the relationship – and be put on a pedestal.

It all comes down to the right to pursue our own natural inclinations.

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  • Yangki, one thing I find refreshing about your blog is that there is no “male-bashing”. You seem to have a very balanced view of the sexes and offer advice based on the person rather than their gender. Keep up the good work!

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    • Thank you for your kind words. It’s not hard to be an “equal offender” if you do not have baggage from past bad encounters with the opposite sex and if you do not see them as “the other” that must be feared and/or vilified.

      Every time I read an article or comment bashing or name calling the other gender, I feel sorry for that person. Something really bad must have happened to them to make them that angry… and stuck in “bitterness”.

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  • Like all comment posters…I don’t know your situation personally…so I can only look at my own experiences to fill in the gaps of analysis/mind-reading we all try to use to understand relationships…SO…don’t take anything I say too personally…it’s quite likely way off the mark. That said,

    1. I agree with Anjie, I’ve completely been there. I’m also a strong independent woman…which can sometimes translate to the fact that I’m more than a little bit used to being ‘right’– whether at work or in social situations. Even if sometimes facts only present a 50/50 case (or 40/60- not in my favor); I can use words & logic play to sway things to my favor. Doesn’t mean it’s right; but, it happens. In a romantic relationship though, while a little bit of that is okay, when I’m being a brat & know it, I want the guy I trust enough to be that intimate with…to call me out on it & put his foot down. I may be taken by surprise and pout for a minute or two; but, I will almost assuredly then realize the folly of my ways, laugh, thank him for standing up to me (and standing up for himself), and apologize. Now, this might be easy to dismiss because your girlfriend is such a sweet girl/woman…welp, ppl would say the same about me…but…assuredly…we ALL have our days/moments.

    2. I may be oversimplifying things here/letting my head live in the gutter; but, nothing relaxes/surprises you in a good way, like your guy grabbing you & kissing you in a tender but needy way. We all want to be desired on an animalistic level to some extent. I have SOO many guy friends who are sooo worried about coming across as perverted or creepy or oppressive that they completely ignore the fact that there is a huge chasm between occasionally being sexually aggressive & being perverted or creepy. Afterall, this is a person whom it sounds like you are at the very least quite emotionally intimate with…there should be enough trust there to voice your opinions about what you decidedly don’t want to do. A firm & desirous kiss from your boyfriend certainly never hurt anyone.

    Good luck!

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  • I’m a strong independent woman that likes to take charge and make things happen but sometimes when life is just so stressful and you want to just scream you need a man who puts his foot down a few times.

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  • I just started a relationship with someone I’d lost touch with over 10 years ago. We connected through a social networking site. He lives in a different part of the country, but he’s been visiting me once a month for the last 4 months (as well as talking online). We started off really great. We reconnected, talked about the good old days, and established the love that we once had. But now, I feel that I’ve lost that spark with him. I’m finding things that annoy me about him, which has totally lessoned my attraction to him. The thing is, he loves me to death and would do anything for me. He’s very vocal about that, which I also find unattractive. Like, I want him to not come off with that, “I can’t live without you” type of attitude. (I’m a very independent person and before him, I was content with being single). He’s moving back for good in a couple of months. I’m kind of torn about whether I should wait it out, or let us just stay friends right now. I’ve told him about these feelings, but he just thinks it’s normal.. like I’m going to get that attraction back once he comes home. I’m not very sure, though.

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    • Thank you for confirming what I said about fully understanding that what one may think is the best interest of the other (or is “normal”) is not necessarily what the other wants. I think that it’s best you communicate to him well what you really want from him because he may not be GETTING IT. Articulate it to him in simplified verbs instead of the “dating lingo” thrown about which often times means “I don’t know what I want and don’t know what I’m taking about either”. Sometimes, it’s communicating with each other well and and other times it’s just that two people are not a fit.

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  • I’m an independent woman. I can take care of myself. Most times guys seem impressed and unfortunately for me take this as an indication that they should just sit back and let me do all the driving. When this happens, it isn’t long before I’m driving away; him in my rear view mirror. I’ve tried explaining that I love their romantic gestures but I also need a man who is man enough. This hasn’t always played out well. I recently met a guy who I think I might really like but he is slipping into the passenger seat. Maybe I should get him to read this article (fingers crossed)

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