Question: My ex started responding, cold at first and then she warmed up a little. Our conversations were mostly pleasant. We talked about some old memories and laughed. She even initiated contact once or twice. But when I brought up getting back together she said she did not want to talk about the past. So I told her let’s talk about the future, and she said she didn’t want to talk about that too. I told her we could be just friend as long as she agrees to at least think about getting back together in the future and she got upset. I’ve texted her a couple of times and told her how much I love her and she means the world to me, but she won’t respond. I don’t want to do No Contact because I feel that if we keep in contact we will figure out how to fix things. What can I do to get her back?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: You are right, by keeping in contact you can work out most of your problems. You can’t do that when you are not in contact. But you will not get back together the way you are going about doing it.
The reason the first conversations went great is because you were just two single people who enjoy talking to each other. You should have kept things at that level for some time. The mistake you made was “over think” what those great conversations meant causing you to rush into a premature conversation about getting back together. Asking your ex to get back together when you have not given him/her reason to expect better is a mistake many people make, one which costs them all possibilities.
The second mistake you made was making contact conditional i.e. ” as long as you agree to…” You are giving someone no option and forcing them to choose what they’d probably would not have chosen without the pressure. Her refusing to respond is because she feels if she responds, it’ll mean she’s thinking about the possibility of you getting back together, which she might not be at this time. It doesn’t mean she won’t ever, it just means right now, she’s not.
Sit down with yourself and work out a plan of action. If you don’t have a plan of action, you are winging it and that’s a HUGE mistake. When you have a plan of action, contact her and apologize for putting that kind of pressure on her. Tell her you understand why she reacted by withdrawing, it is too premature to even be thinking of getting back together. Then explain to her you have things about you that you should be working on. If you want, mention that “pushing hard when you don’t get your way” as one of them. Then tell her how much you enjoy talking to her and hope that the two of you can stay in contact.
If she responds, start things as if you were meeting a new woman and wanting to get to know her and eventually date her. You have a better chance dating your ex than trying to mend or fix a broken relationship.