Question: My ex says it’s over and does not want to talk about the breakup anymore. After the breakup she responded to my texts and calls. Cold at first and then she warmed up a little. Our conversations were mostly pleasant. We talked about some old memories and laughed. She even initiated contact once or twice. But when I brought up getting back together she went cold and distant. I texted her a couple of times and told her how much I love her and she means the world to me. But she won’t respond. I texted her that we’ll be just friend as long as she agrees to at least think about the possibility of us getting back together. I don’t want to do No Contact, there’s no point to it. For some reason I feel that if we keep in contact we will figure out how to fix things. How can I get her back when she refuses to talk to me?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: I can understand why you think talking to her will help but as you have seen it’s not going to work, at least not in the way you are going about it. And you are right, No Contact is a waste of time unless you are using it to move on. She won’t even talk to you, not talking to her doesn’t change anything.
Something you need to understand: when you break-up with someone there is no more “us”. The reason the first conversations went great is because you were just two single people who enjoy talking to each other. You should have kept things at that level for some time. The mistake you made was “over think” what those great conversations meant causing you to rush into a premature conversation about getting back together.
The other mistake is trying to talk an ex into coming back into a relationship she does not think is what she wants, at least not anymore. It’s a mistake many people make, one which costs them all possibilities. There’s a reason you are broken up, it’s the same reason why she does not want you back (yet). No ex wants to continue a relationship where the “broken” one ended.
Third mistake: never make contact conditional i.e. ” as long as you agree to…” You are giving someone no option and forcing them to choose what they’d probably would not have chosen without the pressure. Her refusing to respond is because she feels if she responds, it’ll mean she’s thinking about the possibility of you getting back together, which she might not be at this time. It doesn’t mean she won’t ever, it just means right now, she’s not.
Stop acting from desperation. Sit down with yourself and work out a plan of action. If you don’t have a plan of action, you are winging it and that’s a HUGE mistake. When you have a plan of action, contact her and apologize for putting that kind of pressure on her. Tell her you understand why she reacted by withdrawing, it is too premature to even be thinking of getting back together. Then explain to her you have things about you that you should be working on. If you want, mention that “pushing hard when you don’t get your way” as one of them. Then tell her how much you enjoy talking to her and hope that the two of you can stay in contact.
If she responds, start things as if you were meeting a new woman and wanting to get to know her and eventually date her. You have a better chance dating your ex than trying to mend or fix a broken relationship.