Friday August 22nd 2014

What To Do When Your Ex Stops Responding

Question: My ex started responding, cold at first and then she warmed up a little. Our conversations were mostly pleasant. We talked about some old memories and laughed. She even initiated contact once or twice. But when  I brought up getting back together she said she did not want to talk about the past. So I told her let’s talk about the future, and she said she didn’t want to talk about that too. I told her we could be just friend as long as she agrees to at least think about getting back together in the future and she was upset. I sent her a couple texts telling her I want to take things slow but she does not respond. I don’t want to do NC because I feel that if we keep in contact we will figure out how to fix things. What can I do to get her back?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: You are right, by keeping in contact you can work out most of your problems. You can’t do that when you are not in contact. But you will not get back together the way you are going about doing it.

The reason the first conversations went great is because you were just two single people who enjoy talking to each other. You should have kept things at that level for some time. The mistake you made was “over think” what those great conversations meant causing you to rush into a premature conversation about getting back together. Asking your ex to get back together when you have not given him/her reason to expect better is a mistake many people make, one which costs them all possibilities. 

The second mistake you made was making contact conditional i.e. ” as long as you agree to…” You are giving someone no option and forcing them to choose what they’d probably would not have chosen without the pressure. Her refusing to respond is because she feels if she responds, it’ll mean she’s thinking about the possibility of you getting back together, which she might not be at this time. It doesn’t mean she won’t ever, it just means right now, she’s not.

Sit down with yourself and work out a plan of action. If you don’t have a plan of action, you are winging it and that’s a HUGE mistake. When you have a plan of action, contact her and apologize for putting that kind of pressure on her. Tell her you understand why she reacted by withdrawing, it is too premature to even be thinking of getting back together. Then explain to her you have things about you that you should be working on.  If you want, mention that “pushing hard when you don’t get your way” as one of them. Then tell her how much you enjoy talking to her and hope that the two of you can stay in contact.

If she responds, start things as if you were meeting a new woman and wanting to get to know her and eventually date her. You have a better chance dating your ex than trying to mend or fix a broken relationship.

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8 Responses to “What To Do When Your Ex Stops Responding”

  1. pelouffe says:

    My boyfriend of almost 2 years just stopped calling one day & hasn’t called me or taken my calls for 4 months now. The last day we spoke, things were normal. He had a call come in and told me he’d call me right back. He didn’t. I found out that he got news about his sister who was terminal that she had not much time left and I thought that maybe this affected him to the point of shutting down. His dad told me that he said he just wanted to be on his own. Why do some people do this? We were so close and getting closer and now nothing.

  2. I don’t know why people do the things they do… but I believe everyone has a good reason (at least good as far as they are concerned) for doing what they do. Finding out that someone close to you has terminal illness is HUGE. Many people naturally shut down and want to be on their own.

    Personally, I don’t think I’d want to call someone who doesn’t understand what I’m going through — and is only thinking of themselves (which is how your comment comes across).

  3. pelouffe says:

    Sorry if it came across that way. I DO understand what he’s going through as I lost my brother a few years ago. I know the loss and devastation that he is feeling right now. I guess I just wanted an opinion as to whether or not it is a common reaction to shut out the person you love and have had a connection/relationship with for as long as we had. People who know him tell me that he deals with things by walling himself off. I just feel helpless. I want to be there for him but I can’t and my heart is breaking for him.

  4. That’s certainly a different tone from ” Why do some people do this?”… (:

    Each person is different… I don’t think there is a “standard” way of reacting to bad news. This is his way and it seems those who know him have pretty much told you that’s who he is. If you love him and care for him as much as you say you do… LET HIM BE. Let him deal with this his own way. That’s what it means to love someone and what “being there for them” means. It’s about them and not about you… or your breaking heart.

  5. Sabagoy says:

    I have recently started contact since our breakup and all exchanges have been very positive but what if she asks me “what am i trying to accomplish texting her”? I am in contact with her with the goal to eventually get back together with her and following your advice on not talking about getting back together too soon. But in this situation should I be honest that i want to be with her still? Your advice has been a tremendous help and following it has given me hope again!

  6. YES. Truthful and honest is always best, but be smart about it. Something like (make sure you rephrase it in better english…lol.) “I’d be lying if I said I don’t want you back but I have to be real with myself. I’m still working on making myself a better person. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past and look where it got me. So if you are okay with us just talking for now, it’d mean a lot to me. If it leads to something more, that’d be great. If it doesn’t, I’ll accept it. Let’s just see where things go without trying to make anything happen…”

    That’s the easy part. The hard part is walking the talk.

  7. onajourney says:

    I recently contacted my ex after 7 weeks of no contact. I read your blog and decided I’d reach out to him. I didn’t get a response. I contacted him once a week for 3 weeks and still no response. I’ve never tried to reach out to an ex before, although I still had feelings for him. It didn’t work out for me this time, but I feel good about myself just for trying.

  8. You indeed are on a journey… (:

    Feeling good about ourselves is the reward we get for choosing the path that helps our growth. Some day you are going to look back at this and be very glad you learned to reach out even when your ego is fighting you.

    Walk well…

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