How Letting Go Helps Get Back Your Ex

When we’re threatened with the possibility of losing someone we love, we often don’t see the things in front of us including how our own words and actions may be more self-destructing than helpful. This is especially true when you feel like what you worked hard to build (and keep) is slipping through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it. You feel powerless, overwhelmed and out of control so you desperately try to regain a sense of control.

The sense of having control (and power) in a relationship is very important. But in order to BE in control you have first to let go the need to control.

Doesn’t make sense, right? It actually does when you think of letting go as releasing what no longer fits or works, or what doesn’t advance you towards your goal in order to create space for what fits or works, and what brings you closer to the desires of your heart.

Then why do most of us hold on to what no longer fits or works, or what doesn’t advance us towards our goal?

Because letting go is scary. For many of us it means giving up or giving in, and this is just not an option.

Because of the fear of “being out of control” or “being controlled” many of us are quite reluctant to let go. We hold on to the belief that the only option we have left is to try harder, scheme better, play mind games and manipulate where we can, force, push, resist, and if that doesn’t work, break up with the person before he/she rejects us.

But since we are still in love (and still want to hold on), we again reach out to our ex, but we reach out with the same attitude and reactions. We play mind games, demand our ex takes us back, complain when they don’t text back, threaten them, get angry, give ultimatums and threaten, and if that doesn’t work, we cut off all contact and all lines of communication (basically run and hide).

After a few weeks or months, we come out of hiding and repeat the same cycle.

First of all, breaking up with someone before they break-up with you or cutting their every access to you does seem like regaining that sense of control (and power) because it somehow stops us from feeling the loss or frustration with our current situations, or at least so it seems. But then, the pain from the end of the relationship takes over and you once again hold on, afraid to let go of the pain (anger, resentment, regret, guilt etc) because if you let go of even that, then you have nothing to hold on to. That is why some of us go into “no contact” for months all the while our ex moved on a long time ago.

In holding on to what no longer fits or works, or what doesn’t advance you towards your goal, in manipulating the outcome of things, in pushing harder and/or resisting the inevitable, you keep yourself trapped in a reality that you most wish to change. Most people become intense, easily irritable, cold and/or bitter making them unattractive and not much fun to be around.

Letting go does not mean giving up or giving in. Giving up is walking away; it is saying there is no more hope, forget the relationship and find someone else. Giving in on the other hand, is accepting defeat and/or foregoing what we want for less.

Letting go means releasing the tight hold or grip and allowing things to unfold without too much effort, struggle or you trying to manipulate the outcome to your favour.

It is clearing away unnecessary thoughts, expectations, belief systems and releasing your attachment to how things should be or how your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse should behave. It is getting real and acting from a place of authenticity. It is being optimistically open to possibilities, opportunities and to the (yet) unknown.

You are not walking away and you are not settling, you are just not trying too hard to make things happen how you want them to, and when you want them to.

When you let go like that, a new reality appears. The choices available to you become clearer. The actions that you must take towards what you really want and need become more specific. Even more importantly, by taking the pressure off both of you, you change the energy you’re working with and in turn change your reality. A more relaxed and mellow you is a more attractive and more relate-able you!

This is in alignment with a principle of Psychology: If you step out of the way, the power of the subconscious will take over.

If you move yourself (ego, unnecessary thoughts, expectations, belief systems) out of the way, the power of love will take over. You can only realize the power of love when you realize that to let go is not to give up control but to be in control through conscious turning yourself over to something greater than your preconceived notions, limited perspectives, false beliefs and inconsistent optimism; and seeing clearly and listening to what it is you truly want and need. It’s that ability to be still(stop the hassling and DO-ing) and allow yourself to go with the flow of how things are right now – in the present.

In fact if you can fully master conscious letting go (moment -by-moment), you’ll realize the true control and power you have over all your relationships – and life!

Letting go is a choice – a very powerful and effective one!

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    • Letting go is not a deal you make with the person you’re letting go. If you make it about getting the other person on aboard your agenda, “I am letting go only to get something I think you will give me because I’ve let go”, you completely miss the magic and wisdom of letting go.

      Letting go is about giving up what you think you know or have for the possibility of what you might have. That means there are no guarantees for anything. The only guarantee you have is an inner calmness and centeredness which allows you to hear the other person and see the situation more clearly even when you have strong feelings inside.

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    • Thanks for asking… 🙂

      I’ll put out word when it’s available for purchase. The title is actually “It’s Just A Break-UP”. I’ll keep your email address and send you a personal email.

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  • This is a timely article for me. I was just feeling a bit down for the past few days thinking of an ex. She left me 3 months ago and I know I have let her go but sometimes I still feel the pain like it was only yesterday. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙂

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  • My ex boyfriend (we only been broken up a week) said when he broke up with me that I was too controlling and always wanted to control him and the relationship. I admit I’m guilty of what you call emotional blackmail. I’d give him silent-treatment, ignore him etc. He’d beg me to speak to him but I’d be indifferent. Then he stopped trying to make things right and broke up with me. I don’t blame him because now I know I self-sabotaged myself. He tried but I did all these things which instead of bringing him closer ended up pushing him away.

    Since I started this process of letting go of the need to control the outcome, I’ve found that deciding to “let go” is easy, actually letting go is a lot of hard work.

    This is the best article on letting go that I have read. It is very simple but very well thought out and explained. Thank you.

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    • Thank you for your kind words. It is very true, letting go is not just something you decide to do and voila! It’s done.

      It’s a process, a hard one but VERY doable. The irony of it all is that most people even control how they let go off control. They understand the concepts of “letting go” and speak the language of “letting go” but it’s just in the head, an intellectual endeavour. Emotionally they are still pretty much intense and anxiety ridden (un-relatable!).

      If you find yourself still planning, scheming, playing mind games (e.g. emotional blackmail), over-analyzing, worrying and obsessing about the relationship or if you’re still motivated by fear of loss, rejection, defeat etc, it means that you are yet still trying to control rather than BE in control. Let go of the need to control!

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