Question: I’m 31 and have been dating a 44 yr old man for six months. He is still legally married and does all the other obligations of a husband and father to his kids but he hasn’t had an intimate relationship with his wife for over a year. In the beginning he talked all the time about filing for a divorce but lately he seems to be procrastinating and having second thoughts about it but will not tell me why. He just says that with me he knows it feels right but with her it feels familiar and comfortable.

I told him that if he really loves me and wants a life with me he should file in the papers. He said that he will think about it but that’s last month. I honestly want to believe with everything in me that he loves me and wants to be with me and won’t change his mind about staying with his wife. But there is the possibility that I wait around only to be rejected. Even though it’s been tempting to date other guys in the meantime, I am considering his feelings and I don’t want to hurt him. He’s insanely jealous and doesn’t like me seeing anyone else.

Is it really possible that he could love us both and do you think that if I play hard to get, not answer his calls for a few days or weeks that he will be motivated to file for divorce because he’ll think he’s losing me?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: Could it be that he loves both of you? Possibly, but that’s not the biggest of your problems right now. In my opinion, the procrastination is not a good sign.

Will not answering his calls for a few days or weeks motivate him to file for divorce?  I highly doubt it will make any positive difference. The reason he’s procrastinating is not because you answer his calls or are available to him, so whatever you call “playing hard to get” may backfire on you. The first not answered calls may shock his system and may cause him to panic but if he still loves his wife, then it’ll motivate him to try to make what he has with her work since it seems he’s losing you anyway.

The reason he’s procrastinating, at least according to your email is because he’s not made up his mind as to whether he wants a divorce or not.

The way I see it you have three choices

1) You can accept things as they are now and just enjoy what you have – whether he files for a divorce or not. Just continue to be the other woman (if you have the tolerance for it).

2) You can put the relationship on hold until he finalizes his divorce and is available to you. Right now he’s still legally someone else’s and not having an intimate relationship with her in over a year does not change the fact that legally he’s hers.

3) You can end this now. Find yourself someone else who is still not legally married or who has filed in the papers and moving on with a divorce.

This is your life too, and if you’re considering his feelings, shouldn’t it be fair that he considers yours as well?

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