Have I Completely Ruined It With My Ex?

Question: I’m writing to you because I’m worried that I’ve ruined any chance of getting my ex back. My ex broke up with me and for over a month we had no contact. When I contacted him he said being “just friends” is all we can be.  I had read in many articles that we can’t be friends with an ex, so I told him I loved him too much to be ‘just friends’. I could not pretend I didn’t have feelings for him. It’d be too hard for me because I wanted him as my boyfriend.

I didn’t contact him for 2 weeks. I bought your book and contacted him asking him what’s up. He replied right away. He responds to my texts but I feel that he’s guarded with me.  Do you think I ruined my chances with him or is there still hope for us?

Yangki’s Answer: I don’t know if you ruined your chances or not… what happens in the next few weeks/months will make it clear whether it’s really over or not.

It’d look silly for you to go back and apologize or say “let’s be just friends.” I personally advice my clients not to offer “friendship” mainly because the other person may not understand exactly what you’re saying or offering. But I also tell them when offered, accept it not as a “label” but as a “space” you can use to turn things around.

My advice is for you to stop worrying about him being guarded and work on getting him to let his guard down. He’s giving you “the space” to do that, and instead of being insecure about it or trying to control things, show him you’re a better person than the one he broke up with and for that reason he can expect a better relationship than the one the two of you had.

Remember: What you pay attention to, becomes your reality!

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  • Yangki, I was doing well, following the advice in your book and making progress, but in the weekend I drunk a little too much and in my state thought it was a good time to call my ex. Let’s just say it was a mistake. We have had many drunken arguments before but none since we broke up. I promised him that would change but after this last fight he says there’s no going back as there is too much bad history.

    What can I do to put things right again? I made so much progress and hate myself for drunk calling him.

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    • You’re already beating yourself up… no point in me hitting you too.

      “There’s no going back as there is too much bad history” says this is not about the drunk call. And the fact that you have had many drunken arguments tells me there may be a “drinking problem” that needs to be addressed before you try to actively get back together. As long as this is not dealt with, he can’t see how anything can change and will force himself to move on even though he may still have feelings for you.

      I suggest (if you haven’t done it) apologize. Short simple apology (as in the book). No explanations because that’ll seem like excuses. No promises because you already broke the promise you made.

      If he does not respond (which is likely), do not try to get a response. Give it a week and then start over from “hello!”. You’ve successfully done it before and even made progress, you can do it again.

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  • Yangki, after a month of positive progress I woke up and for some reason missed her terribly and I sent her a message telling her that I miss her. She didn’t reply for almost 6 hours which is uncharacteristic of how she’s been responding over the last couple of weeks. She also seemed cold in her text. I shouldn’t have sent that text in the first place and now I need to get things back on track somehow. Question is, should I explain that I just wanted her to know that I still think about her a lot or leave as is.

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    • Leave as is. Contact her as you do normally. Don’t mention the text unless she does and only then explain. Follow the advice in the book and don’t start an apology that will make things more awkward.

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  • Yangki, first of all, thank you for the great work you do. Your book is the best I have read and had given me a very different way to look at relationships in general. Now, my ex and I broke up two months ago. We stayed in contact and things have been moving forward pretty well. But last night we had our first spat because I asked him if he had made a decision about us. I had asked him a month ago and he said he needed time to think about what he really wants. Do you think I pushed him away?

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    • If things have been good, one spat alone will not do so much damage.

      He said needs time to think about what he really wants, give him that time.

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  • I wish I had found advice like this earlier. Ex and I have been on very limited contact for the last one month. He seemed interested, initiating contact, sending jokes and such. We were okay until I saw a comment another woman had posted on his wall. I responded emotionally and asked a lot of questions. Today I sent him a text and he totally ignored it. I sent him another text apologizing for my behavior and he responded but was very cold, said he doesn’t want the old drama. We continued to talk but he was still cold, not as before but cold. Have I completely ruined it?

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    • There’s been some damage done. But the fact that he’s still open to contact means that there could still be a chance for you.

      Just get those emotions sorted out because if it happens again… I don’t think you’ll have another chance.

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  • I’ve been in NC and everyone keeps telling me my ex is going to contact me. It’s been over 2 months and not a word from him. After reading your articles, I’m wondering if may this NC is a mistake. I told him he should not contact me until he knew what he wanted. I’m scared that I may have chased away the one man I love than anything in the world. Should I break NC or complete the 3 months then contact him?

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    • I’m sorry, I don’t know how the “no contact rule” works, and therefore can’t give you the best advice. The best place to ask your question are forums where people discuss how to implement the “no contact rule”, or ask a coach who had experience with it.

      Here I don’t advice or encourage using the “no contact rule” if you are hoping some day to reconcile with your ex. This blog is for those who want their ex back, and do not want to use “no contact”.

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  • I have made the exact same mistake as this with my ex except we have stayed in contact with each other since we broke up.I broke up over something silly with him and he offered to be friends.Because I wanted to be with him I also was not sure being friends was the right thing to do and was questioning why he wanted to be friends until someone told me to stop analysing every little thing he said.I was told to accept the friendship and see where it leads.Its been hard but we are still in contact after two months.Will just have to wait and see what happens.

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