Bottom line, relationships start with a feeling, are sustained by feelings and end because of how one or both people feel.
If you can’t get this very basic fact, you might as well say goodbye to your boyfriend/girlfriend or the ex you’re trying to get back. Not only are you wasting your time, energy and money, but trying to convince the other person to stay in the relationship or come back to a relationship that makes them feel bad about themselves is courting misery.
So before you even think of asking someone to stay or come back to the relationship, ask yourself: how am I making him/her feel about him/herself?
The goal for asking this question is not to make you feel bad about yourself for not being able to make someone feel good about him/herself. The goal is to clearly identify the reasons the relationship is not working or did not work, and come up with a plan for the targeted changes you need to make in order to make the other person once again feel the same way, or even better about having you as a date, partner or spouse.
Narrowing down the changes you need to make will make re-igniting the sparks of your relationship or getting back your ex much faster, than blindly changing this and changing that — whatever sticks. When you blindly make changes because that’s what someone on the internet says it’s what you need to do, you may find that whatever changes you’re making are not good enough because they do not necessarily address how the other person is feeling. It may be helpful to someone else, but not useful to your particular situation.
Since change is a lifelong process and feelings keep changing, it may take a while for someone to see the changes that may not be as important to them or be convinced that the changes are real. A couple of targeted changes can have a much bigger impact on how someone feels about you than whatever sticks type of changes.
It’s important to remember that all relationships change. It’s the natural flow of life. Some relationships get better, some get worse and others die a natural death. But you’ll never know if yours died a natural death if you did nothing to try to keep it alive. If you have no more desire to keep it alive, then let it die. Move on.
But if your desire is to keep your relationship alive, then care about how your words, actions, behaviours and attitude make the other person feel about him or herself. Don’t think that you can yell at someone, insult and demean them, harass them, disconnect all contact and ignore them, treat them like an enemy and expect them to want to be with you. Some people may temporality draw closer because they desperately want to feel good about themselves (not feel rejected, not valued, ignored, unattractive, unwanted etc) but eventually, they’ll start sitting on the fence, act resentful or even leave again because they can’t forgive or forget how you made them feel.
How is your attitude, your actions and behaviour making him/her feel about him/herself?