Trying to Get Back Your Ex Vs. Attract Back Your Ex

A reader left me advice: “Use the words ‘get back your ex’ instead of ‘attract back your ex’. It sounds better and good for search engines”. I thanked him for having my back. I believe he meant well.

I don’t have any problem with people saying “get back your ex”. I use “get back your ex” for search engines, but “getting back your ex” is not what I am thinking when I write my articles.

I don’t believe anyone should be trying to “get” anyone. Exes are not property or some pet in a store. They are living, breathing beings with will-power, choice, a rational mind, emotions and a life.

“Get back your ex” mentality is why many of us run into a wall. We are trying to “get” someone who’d rather be somewhere else, doing something else, or is looking for someone or something different from what we offer.

Have you ever asked yourself why out of millions of men and women, you zeroed on this one face, body, heart, mind and soul? Why out of millions they zeroed on you?

Whether we know it or not, we all emit strong energy vibrations which can be felt by others. Experts in this area have all kinds of names for these vibrations. The one I like most is “states”. You are beaming out vibrations, and in that particular time you are in a ‘state’ of being. That ‘state” could change, but right there, it’s “who” you are. The “BE”-ing.

People who match our “state” at any given time are drawn to us, and likewise. For example if you are in a place in your life where you are searching for your truth or your authentic self, you will attract other people who:

  • are searching for their own truths;
  • have already been on that path and found what you are searching for (people who will help and support you through your own journey);
  • will lead you down the path of pain and hurt so you can come to your own truth and authentic self.

Think of two searchlights scanning the horizons, and then boom! They are pointing at each other at the same time. Where the two beams meet, the light is much brighter. That point at which the two lights meet is the “us”. If one person moves his or her searchlight even one degree off focus, the “us” changes.

The “us” not only strengthens our “light”, the “us” also illuminates those areas of ourselves that need growth and maturity (that is if we are open to the opportunity for growth and maturity).

“Open to opportunity for growth” is the difference between a relationship that elevates us to a higher level of consciousness and one that drags us down to neediness, distrust, clinginess, jealousy, insecurity… you name it.

“Open to opportunity for growth” is not something many of us think about when we seek relationships. We just want a “relationship”. Some of us don’t even know what exactly a “relationship” is, we just want one.

We find someone trying to focus his or her beam towards someone else and step in front of them, and then pretend they were looking for us all this time. We actually convince ourselves that we are “the one” they have been searching for. But instead of the relationship being an “opportunity for growth and maturity”, it becomes an exercise of us trying to control our partner’s searchlight from “straying” . We live everyday scared that they might actually find “the one” they were really looking for.

Even for many of us who know what a “relationship” is, once we ‘get it”, it becomes all about making sure we are not rejected or abandoned.

We can clearly see that the “relationship” is limiting our potential as individuals, stifling our personal growth, hurting or separating us from family and friends, or just plain toxic, but uh-uh… we have to have a “relationship”. We must have one. We can’t be rejected or abandoned.

Some how, despite all our trying to hold onto the “relationship”, we end up losing it anyways. But instead of self-reflection and trying to understand why we zeroed on this one person in the first place, and why they zeroed on us out of all the millions of men and women out there, we point fingers, assign blame, act crazy, sink into depression… or try to get back the relationship we lost.

What I am trying to say here is that: We attract and are drawn to people who reflect the ‘growth’ we have already achieved internally.

For example if you lack inner balance or have not found your “center” (your place of knowing and will power), you will attract into your life those people who will tend to swing wildly from one extreme of chaos to another. You will find yourself constantly thrown from someone else’s chaos to everybody else’s chaos.

If you are “open to opportunity for growth”, the chaos will either help you find that place where however chaotic your outer world is, your inner world stays calm and grounded. If you just want to be in a relationship or just trying not to get rejected or abandoned, you will find yourself sucked up into the chaos and emotionally swung all over the place.

Today things are out-of-this-world amazing, tomorrow it’s a hell-walk. Last week it was hands all over each other, next week it’s a yelling match. You are in contact one day and the next they disappear. They say “I love you” and turn around and say “I don’t love you”. “Let’s get married, let’s break-up…

Before you point fingers, assign blame, or try to get back the relationship you lost, do yourself this one favour. Ask yourself, why you zeroed on this one person in the first place, and they zeroed on you.

The answer is not “because I love him/her’. That’s a lazy mind’s answer. Think deeper, harder, longer… like someone open to opportunity for growth.

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