Question: I don’t know if you can help here. I am in an on and off relationship, we are currently off again. We’re good friends although she knows I want her back. She has told me that she wants me to move on and said several times that I should date other women. But in the same breath she says “I don’t know if this time I can handle it”.
The reason we broke up this last time is because I had sex with another woman when we were off. I was honest with her when she asked after we got back together. She accused me of cheating and broke up with me again. I don’t want to jeopardize my chances of getting her back by doing the same thing that made her break up with me. But I also do not want to come across as desperate and clingy, and as you said in your eBook, it’s a turn off to look like my life depends on her. Any advice will really help.
One last thing, we’ve had sex many times since we broke up. She complains that I want her for just sex. I’ve told her it’s not true but she keeps saying it everytime we have sex. Btw, we’re both in our early 30s.
Answer: First up, I do not believe for one second that your ex is serious about wanting you to move on, let alone date other women. I think she’s just testing you because part of her does not trust you after what happened. And you’re 100% right that taking her “advice” and dating someone else will jeopardize your chances of getting her back. You’ll just prove to her that “you can NEVER be trusted”.
Instead of getting all distracted by what your ex is saying or even completely ignoring the obvious contradiction, take the “contradiction” from her and turn it into a positive.
Next time she tells you to “date other women”, try any one of the following:
1. Tell her that you’ll think about it then quickly redirect the attention back to the two of you and to the present moment with something to the effect “We are having so much fun right now, other women will have to wait”.
2. Another way to respond to this (but only if you are comfortable with it) is say “Do you have anyone in mind? You’ve always had great taste on just about everything. A little help has never hurt anyone”.
As for her saying you just want her for sex, it’s not like she’s being forced, is she? Okay, skip that bit, don’t you (ever) say that to a woman.
Instead of going into “defensive mode” which makes you come across as emotionally removed from what you are saying — and harder to be believed, use this opportunity to say something emotionally honest and heartfelt. Something along these lines:
“I wish I could sit here and with all honesty say that I don’t get turned on just looking at you, but I can’t. I would be lying to you and to myself. But is that all I see when I look at you? NO. I see a very intelligent, independent, loving kind (add in your own words here). I am attracted to all that woman… the whole package. That’s who I see. And I have a feeling there is even more that I haven’t yet seen that I’ll fall in love with. You probably don’t want to hear that, but there it is”.
That’ll sure shut her up on that subject. It might even be the kind of re-assurance she’s looking for.
This last bit may not be what you want to hear, but having regular sex with your ex does actually jeopardize your chances of getting her back. You’ve probably heard of the saying “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk free”, this does not just apply to women, it applies to men too – especially in this age and time where women want sex with no strings attached.
Her complaining that you want her just for sex may actually be a projection on her part; guilt she feels for sleeping with you when her conscious says she shouldn’t. At some point that guilt will become so strong that she’ll decide that it’s best not see each other at all because when you see each other and end up having sex, she feels guilty. To get rid of the guilt is to get rid of you. Is that what you want to happen?