Question: My ex/gf ended it because she “needed to figure” out what she wants but wants to work things out at a later date. We keep in touch everyday but while my heart tells me to give her time to figure out what she wants my head tells me she is just using me.
Yangki’s Answer: She could be honest about needing time to figure things out. You need to give her that time. The worst thing that can happen is for you to get back together, then she breaks up with you again because she needs to figure out what she wants. It’s a waste of your emotions, time and life.
On the other hand, you could be right that she’s just using you. Both men and women these days use “working on myself” or “I need more time” as an excuse to delay making a decision or keep the other person around until someone “better” comes along.
One of the main differences between someone who is genuinely trying to figure him/herself out and someone just using you is how much they care about a relationship with you.
Someone who is just about him/herself doesn’t care how his/her words and actions affect any future relationship with you. The only say or do things that benefit them and themselves alone. You just there their own selfish needs. They don’t care if you feel you are being used/strung along because they don’t care if there will be a future relationship or not.
Someone who is genuinely trying to figure things out, needs time and space to work on him/herself or needs time to make a decision will make some kind of effort to reassure you that this is something he/she needs to do for him/herself, that he/she is not trying to hurt you, and that any future relationship depends on him/her being clear about what he/she wants.
That’s because they care about what happens to the two of you (the relationship) and want to make sure that their taking time to figure things out, work on their issues or make a decision does not hurt the relationship.
If you contact them, they’ll respond. If they say they’ll contact you later, they’ll follow up on it. And if you want to talk they’ll listen, acknowledge and validate your feelings about the situation, but will be firm on their decision to focus on what they need to do for any future relationship to happen and/or be better.
In other words they show respect for themselves, for you and for the relationship.
If he/she is showing no respect for you or the relationship, he/she does not care whether there will be a future relationship, let alone a better one. He/she is just thinking about him/herself and you are just another means to his/her own end.
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