Does Contact With Your Ex Prevent Moving On? – Pt. 2

For some of us, staying close to an ex after a break-up is not even an option. Things ended so badly that neither party wants anything to do with the other. But for others, the relationship ended and there is no animosity, yet staying close is a daily struggle.

Staying close to an ex after a relationship has ended is not easy. Besides, the anxiety about when he/she will respond of if he/she will even respond at all, there is the worry that you are being led on or played and will get hurt. On top of all that, there is the issue of not knowing what it all means and if even what you are doing is good for you. All you know is that, what was there isn’t there anymore and what is there isn’t really there.

It’s like being in limbo — not here but not there either. It’s even harder if you did not want the relationship to end. Being the one who was dumped, you experience more intense hurt over the break-up and as a result often have the hardest time moving on.

How we react to the end of a relationship is a personal matter. We all handle disappointments, hurt or grief in very personal ways, but if how you are handling the end of a relationship is causing you to act in ways that make you less than who you are, or cause you to withdraw into yourself (feel depressed) or cause you to fear opening yourself up to love again, you are not handling the end of your relationship in a healthy way.

You are probably emotionally stuck between what you had and lost, and what you want but can’t have. Between trying to go back into the past and correct the mistakes that led to the break-up and trying to accept your loss and move on. You even find that one day your mind is completely made up, it’s over and you should move on; and the next day your mind is equally made up, you can’t give up so easily, you’ll fight for your relationship.

You feel so stuck that it seems that the only solution is to erase any trace of your ex from your life. For a while, it seems to work. You don’t contact them and they don’t contact you, and over time your new life without your ex begins to take shape. You are smiling again, enjoying the things you used to before the break-up and meeting/dating again.

You have moved on… or have you?

I said earlier that reality has a funny way of contradicting our firmly held beliefs. I also want to add that, we human beings have a funny way of announcing to the whole world just how dishonest, unauthentic and self-delusional we are.

Yes, you have no contact with your ex whatsoever. Yes, you are smiling and enjoying life again. Yes, you are dating and even married again. But if weeks, months or years after your break-up, you are still name-calling or trash-talking your ex, still blogging about what a terrible person your ex was, still telling your break-up story with the intention of making yourself look good and your ex look bad or still unable to forgive your ex, you really haven’t moved on.

It doesn’t matter how many ways you say you have moved on or how many people you tell, you are still just as emotionally attached to your ex as the day before you said you had moved on.

What’s keeping you still emotionally attached to your ex and unable to truly move on is not even that you still want your ex back. You may have moved on from wanting him/her back but not moved on from what happened.

What happened is that you got dumped. What happened is that someone you loved didn’t want to be with you. What happed is that you lost control of what you thought you had control of. What happened is that your ego was bruised or wounded.

Now, there is nothing unhealthy about telling your break-up story or writing a blog or book about it (and even making a few bucks out of your pain), if you are honest with yourself — that you really haven’t moved on from what happened.

What’s unhealthy about it is not honestly dealing with your emotions and thinking that just taking your ex out of the picture is what is needed to heal and move on. By making it about your ex, you are refusing to take responsibility for your own experience and therefore denying yourself the important lesson the experience is trying to teach you.

What’s unhealthy about it is allowing your bruised or wounded ego to interfere with someone else’s emotional healing and growth, and in so doing standing in the way of their desire to experience ego-free love.

To experience ego-free love, you must learn to sometimes stand there in limbo — knowing nothing, having nothing and being nothing. What better limbo is there than one where what was there isn’t there anymore and what is there isn’t really there?

That place where you know nothing, have nothing and are nothing, fellow human beings, is where true, unlimited and abundant love begins. Until you have been there, you will always operate from a scarcity mindset. Until you have been there, your wounded ego will always direct your reactions and behaviours. Until you have been there, your healing hasn’t even began.

If you truly want to move on from what happened, if you truly want to heal your wounded ego, allow yourself to go THERE — even if it hurts so much to do so!

1        2        3

Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Written By
More from Yangki Akiteng

Emotional Distance And How It’ll Help Get Back Your Ex

The real great thing about this approach is that unlike “no contact”...
Read More

12 Comments

  • I agree with this article. There’s nothing more pathetic than someone who constantly bashes their ex or brags about how they’re “over” them. In reality, those people have yet to get over their ex AND themselves.

    View Comment
  • This is to Holly, the sooner you realize moving on is in your best interest the better. My ex cheated too and I just can’t imagine forgiving what he did. But I feel a lot better knowing I will never see or speak to him any time soon. It’s hard but you have to force yourself to forget this narcissist and move on. Stop feeling like crap, you are a wonderful woman who deserves a man who treats you like the queen you are.

    View Comment
    • Myla, I appreciate where you are coming from, and respect your good intentions. I however, disagree with you on “force yourself to forget this narcissist and move on.”

      First of all, you do not know if Holly’s ex is a narcissist. Many people we label “narcissistic” don’t qualify for “narcissism” as described in the standard psychology manual known as the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

      Secondly, real life has shown that people only move on when they are ready to move on. Trying to force oneself to move on before the grieving process is complete can create even worse problems down the road — depression, bitterness, resentment towards the opposite gender (or whatever one’s ex represents in one’s mind), a hard-heart incapable of love, inability to trust or commit etc. Some people end up attracting the very same dynamic that caused the pain in the first place, and others “over-correct” and end up getting hurt –again.

      Taking one’s time to grieve and move on when one is ready is healthier — long term.

      View Comment
  • My ex’s infidelity came as a shock to me. I have had time to think about everything and he and I have talked for hours to try to understand what went wrong with us. There were things in the relationship that should have been brought to the open and talked about, but which we both ignored. We both agree that we can’t fix the relationship, he has moved on, but I still feel stuck emotionally. I want so badly to move on from this but I seem to take two steps forward and one step back. I’m 48, so this is not my first breakup, but it certainly is the hardest. Any advice will be appreciated.

    View Comment
    • I’m very sorry this happened to you. There are so many possible reasons why this is harder than all the other break-ups. May be it has to do with the kind of relationship you had, the things you loved about him and/or the hopes you had for the future. Letting go of this doesn’t come easy.

      It’s also possible that you are hard on yourself. You may feel that because he moved on, you should have moved on too. Everyone grieves loss their own way and in their own time frame. The two steps forward and one step back is already progress in itself. You are moving (forward), that’s the most important thing.

      So please cut Holly some slack! She’s doing the best she can, given what she’s been through.

      View Comment
  • I don’t think anyone ever gets over their ex. We may move on from that person but whether we like it or not, that person contributes to who we become. My ex was abusive and because of him, I was able to see how I attract abuse into my life. After 2 years of therapy, I met a wonderful man who is the exact opposite of my ex. But if it weren’t for my ex, I’d have attracted another abusive man, one just like my father.

    View Comment
  • Getting over an ex is always easier than it sounds. I was so miserable and did the no contact, no Facebook thing for 8 weeks, threw away all photos of him and us together, all gifts, cards, anything that reminded me of him, but you can’t just erase feelings. 4 months since the breakup and I still miss him sooooo much.

    View Comment
    • May be you should stop trying to “get over” him and try letting go instead. The difference is that “getting over” involves action/effort/struggle. Letting go is surrender to “what is”. The only (none) effort you put into it is acceptance.

      View Comment
  • I find all this drama about cutting off any form of contact with an ex to be utterly immature and unnecessarily dramatic. I moved on quite well from all my exes while happily remaining in touch as friends. I don’t feel upset that they decided it wasn’t working out and wanted out. And just because we are no longer intimate partners does not mean that they cease to be worthy of any respect and value. They enhanced my life by being part of it, that does not have to change.

    View Comment
  • Hi Yangki, I have been reading a lot of your articles and I like them a lot because it talks about how to strengthen one’s emotional control which is exactly what I need. I am in a situation where I desperately need help, but everytime i tried to post a comment it says there is already a similar one but i couldnt find any.. what should i if i want to ask questions?

    View Comment
    • I can’t answer every question posted on my blog, there is just not enough time to do so. To be able to help as many people as possible, we have a system that searches for similarities in words used in a comment. If the comment/question has a higher percentage of words already used, you get the message you are getting or your comment/question doesn’t get posted on the blog. It doesn’t benefit my readers (or me) for me to keep repeating myself.

      My advice is to try to read through as many comments as possible with the your search key words. Chances are you will find the answers you are looking for without asking.

      Alternatively, you can also sign up for one-on-one coaching if you do not have the time to read through the comments. Just follow the link on the menu bar, once you’ve completed payment, email me to set up an appointment.

      View Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *