Question: My ex broke up with me because she’s lost the passion in the relationship. Just two weeks ago she told me how much she loves me and wants to have my children. Now she says that she just doesn’t feel like she can marry me and needs some space to sort her feelings out. When I asked her if she could explain why she couldn’t marry me, she said it’s just a “feeling” she has. She thinks that we are both good people, but maybe not right for each other. She has said that to me before when the relationship gets too close and things get a little serious and soon after that breaks up with me.
She’s broken up with me six times in two years but keeps coming back. I asked her why she always came back to me. She said that I’m the only guy that has stayed with her even after she pulled that stuff but that she’d be settling if she married me. That makes me feel like crap! I don’t really understand it. What else does she need? I’m beginning to think she has commitment phobia though she denies it. She’s been married before and says she wants to be married before she reaches the age when she can’t have children. What would it take for us to get this to work?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: I’d like to address the commitment issue first. It’s possible that your ex has some issues with commitment, but not commitment in general just committing to you. She’s been married before and wants to get married again so I don’t think she’s afraid of the kind of commitment that marriage requires. The fact that she feels that marrying you would be “settling” means that she still thinks there is someone else out there who is right for her.
To me this is really the root of the problem. What she’s basically saying is that she’d marry someone else and not you, and the only reason she’s with you is because you’re the only guy that won’t and can’t throw her ass out. And I’m sure if you’ve talked to people close to you – and even those that aren’t – and they’ve all basically told you that she’s wasting your time and you need to get rid of her.
I’m tempted to say the very same thing, but I’ve worked with some cases similar to yours and some have ended up into lasting loving relationships and others have not. Usually it has to do with willingness and commitment from both parties to work though their own individual issues.
The fact that you keep coming back to each others says to me that there is something there — toxic or not — that draws the two of you back to each other. I suggest that you get a good local counsellor/therapist to help you work thorough your issues preferably individually first, then may be together later on. It’s better to be sure — and do everything possible to make it work first than wonder for the rest of your life if you let “the one” get away.
Among other things, you need to work on the things she’s said that make her feel you’re not right for her and that marrying you would be settling. Look back into the relationship especially those things she’s said she wants in a relationship but you know you haven’t been delivering or that you delivered in ways that turned her off. Those are the things that make someone feel the relationship isn’t the right on.
If after working on your issues, she still thinks you’re not right for each other then it’s possible she’s right. It’s hard accepting that someone you love feels that her life would be better with someone else and not you, but not all two people are meant to be together.
If she won’t get help or accept any, but thinks breaking up and getting back together works for her, then you have a potential really emotionally messed up woman on your hands. And you are an enabler to that kind of unhealthy way of relating.
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Originally posted 2010-01-12 10:58:52. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
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I completely agree with this advise. My first thought was get rid of this girl..for the fact that she is saying those things to you. That is pretty hurtful to hear that someone is settling for you. Then agreed with the latter advice. Maybe it’s also best to consider what YOU want. Maybe the space is a good thing and if she all the sudden comes back when SHE wants..to say hey listen, I think I still need sometime..if you feel that way. You are not a walking doormat! You sound like a really good guy who deserves good things!!
Good luck!
I still say get rid of her. She is obviously holding onto you because like she said, you are the only onethta will put up with her B.S.
You may be one of those good guys that she can pull this on and that is why she is doing this. I bet you if it was one of those “bad boys”, the shoe would be on the other foot. Cut your losses and find someone that will appreciate you for you.
Cutting his loses seems the most logical thing to do
The only catch with that advice is that it takes two to create a toxic relationship. I know so many men and women who “cut their loses” with the hope of finding someone “better” but they ended up attracting the same kind of person or carrying on their unresolved issues into the next relationship.
Every relationship presents us with the opportunity to work through our own issues, those that understand this very simple, very basic law of attraction (and work through their issues) have a better chance of attracting someone who is also “healthy”. Those that don’t… well… the singles scene is crowded with singles trying to unsuccessfully find a “better” person.
We both agree this guy is a great catch (who needs to work on overcoming some of the “Nice Guy” negative qualities), wouldn’t it be sad to see him act like one those “bad boys” you refer to?
Yes it would be very sad. It’s like “Good girls gone bad” syndrome. They get tired of being taken for granted when showing their mate how much they love and care for them. It seems like no one wants that, they want someone who is going to treat them like crap and I just don’t understand the logic in that.
I just hope for this guy’s sake, he can find what he is looking for inside of him before he goes and settle for the sake of being in a relatioship.
I do hope that she stop taking him for granted and just let him go so that she can find what she is looking for.
I hear you… I hear you Terri, and appreciate your input. He’s most likely not the “settling” type. The fact that he’s looking for “advice” and is honest and realistic about the situation tells me he recognizes this is not how a relationship should be. I also think that she recognizes just how lucky she’s got it that’s why she keeps coming back, and if she’ll willing to work with him to make this relationship what I believe they both want, it’s better than running from one bad relationship to another. If she refuses to seek help or gets it but nothing changes, he’ll walk away knowing he gave it all his best and it just wasn’t meant to be! That’s the beauty of not looking back with any regrets – clean cut!
We have a good relationship when things are good between us. But we fight a lot and are on and off again, more off than on. We mostly fight about commitment. I feel that there are some things we need to work on before I commit but she says I’m just afraid of commitment. The more we fight the more it’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that she is not really the right kind of life partner for me. Am I afraid of settling or do I have commitment phobia?
Fear of settling is about the OTHER person/or relationship not being “right” for you because of some compatibility issues, persistent problems in the relationship etc. Commitment phobia is about YOU. It has nothing to do with the feeling that the other person is not right for you. In fact in many cases the person with commitment phobia knows that the other person is “right” for him/her and the relationship is great (no problems, compatibility issues or feeling that they need more from a partner or that something is missing in the relationship). When you have commitment phobia, you want to commit and may have even tried to commit but you just can’t – and the fear has no basis/does it make any sense at all.
I thought it was fear of settling but wanted to be sure. We just have too many compatibility issues that I don’t see how we can work them out. I’m not just walking away we’ve seen two counselors and a relationship coach. Things change for a little while then we have problems again. Like you said not to regret anything later.
You’re right to want to be sure. The regret for someone who didn’t settle is that they feel they did “the right” thing. The regret for a person with commitment phobia and also their greatest fear — and rightly so — is that they left a great relationship for no sensible/ explainable reason at all and they’ll most likely run away from the next great relationship the same way they ran from this one and the one before that.
The guy asking the original question sounds like the archtypical Nice Guy. He would be well advised to read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by Robert Glover, as well as ‘The Way of the Superior Man’, by David Deida.
The results of him taking what he reads in these two books – which, in my view, is indispensable for the modern man – would either improve his relationship with this woman to a degree previously unthought of, or kill it outright. In either case, he would be a happier man for getting rid of self-sabotaging Nice Guy behaviours.
You’re right… any change for the better will make him a happier man, even if he doesn’t get to keep the woman.
I’ve read “The Way of the Superior Man’, by David Deida and thought it was a great book. Another really good one is by Herb Goldberg, “The Inner Male”.
Thanks for your input … I saw the other great comments too, def. worth more than 0,02 €…