Do Exes Really Ever Come Back?

Do exes really ever come back?

Yes, exes do come back and yes, a relationship can work after a break-up.

What most people do not realize or know is that most exes when they break-up with you think it’s over, they are not coming back. They are not thinking… “I am breaking up with you, but we’ll get back together”.

They are thinking…

  • I am not happy/I am miserable and I don’t like it
  • I don’t feel this relationship is working for me
  • I can’t do what I want to do with you around, I need my space
  • We’re hurting each other and I need to get away from you
  • I don’t like you the way I used to
  • I don’t see a future with you, etc

They are not thinking of getting back together at this point because they are thinking of themselves, how they feel and what they want– and rightly so.

The ex leaving because of how he/she FEELS (e.g. is not happy, feels you’re growing apart, does not feel in love anymore, feels smothered, pressured for commitment etc) does not think he/she can feel differently.

The ex leaving because the relationship is NOT WORKING for him/her (e.g. too many arguments/fights, communication problems, you want different things, etc) does not think things can get better.

Even exes that say “may be we’ll get back together in the future” or “we’ll see what happens in two months” or “if it’s meant to be it’ll be” etc., are not promising that you’ll get back together. Rather, they are leaving the door open for all possibilities — including the possibility that you’ll go your separate ways,

But since feelings can and do change, and too many arguments/fights and communication problems can be worked on, there is always a chance that an ex can come back — and many of them do.

When working with my clients, I am always looking for what it is that is within our control that we can work together change to either inspire an ex to feel differently or see that the relationship can work again, and work better.

Unlike most approaches that advice no-contact, I prefer working with my clients to create a positive environment in which love can develop and grow. Years of experience have taught me that the only way you can convince your ex that the relationship can work again is if you can inspire him/her to feel differently about you, and about being in a relationship with you again. How much contact, when to make contact and all that other stuff that too many people waste time on mean absolutely NOTHING if your ex thinks you are still the same person they fell out of love with, or if they can’t see how the relationship can work better.

My point is: Don’t be discouraged from trying to get back your ex simply because right now your ex is saying it’s over and he/she is not changing his/her mind.

As long as the lines of communication are open, there is always a possibility that feelings can be changed and a new and better relationship can develop. Your job is to create the environment for that to happen.

It takes work and it takes time, but it’s possible.

When you feel discouraged and want to give up, these 20 Success Stories of readers like you who got back their ex might help!

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18 Comments

  • Yangki, you site helped me very much when I was trying to get back my ex. Unfortunately, it did not work out. After a month of contact, I realized my feelings for him have changed. We had reached a stage where we were both initiating contact but it was like we were forcing it. We both agreed that it is best to go our separate ways but we will keep in touch on updates on each other’s lives. I wish things had been different but I have no regrets as your advice helped me allow things to come to their natural conclusion. Thank you

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    • I too wish things could have been different, but sometimes you know when trying any harder is wasted effort.

      Things coming to their ‘natural conclusion’ is about effortlessness. There is less struggle moving on.

      All the best.

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  • Your website is so helpful and spreads such a positive message. My ex broke up with me two months ago after 5 years. I still loved her but she says for the moment we can only be friends to see if there is anything left of the old relationship. I hope one day she realizes that what we got is so much more valuable.

    Thank you for your encouraging words.

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  • Yangki, I like that you quote Leo Buscaglia and also list his book on your favourites list. He is a great uncle of mine and it’s nice to see that his work is still valued and remembered.

    Best wishes.

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    • Wow! Who would have thought….

      Your great uncle was a great human being. I wish I’d met him, he’s one of the reasons I am a love coach.

      He earned his place among the Greats, and will never be forgotten.

      View Comment
  • Hey everyone, I normally don’t leave comments on sites but just wanted to encourage all of you not to give up and keep trying. My ex and I broke up last year and in my case I was the one who was at fault. We are back together but it took a lot of work, patience and determination. So many times I cried and wanted to quit and the odds were all stacked against me, but she was worth the tears and the fight. I know that it does not happen for everybody, but at least you know you gave it your all

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  • I have been in a (mostly) happy marriage for 17 years but things came to a grinding halt about 3 months ago. I know I have let her down repeatedly and usually only consider my needs first and this is the main cause of our breakup. She is talking separation, but wants to remain friendly for the sake of our two children. We actually get along pretty well most of the time until I start talking about repairing the damage my actions have caused to our relationship. I am losing hope that I will ever recover from this. Do you think you can help?

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    • I am not sure what you mean by “Do you think you can help?” This site is me trying to help the best way I possibly can…

      If you mean individual customized help, I provide one-on-one coaching. You can sign up here.

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  • Yangki, I got my ex back using your book and articles but 4 days ago I messed up and said some things which made her upset and breakup with me again. I waited a day and reached out to her, she responded an hour later saying she’s busy and will call me when she gets home. She called and we talked and I also apologised. She wants us to continue talking says but she is now scared of getting hurt again. Can I still get her back or have I messed up so big that I pushed her to the edge? Please help, again. 🙁 Thanks as always.

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    • Yes, you can absolutely get her back, but this time it’s going to be a little harder than the last time. The advantage you have on your side is she wants to continue talking. Use it well.

      You did before, you can do it again.

      View Comment
  • I feel like Im stuck. Recently my ex got super drunk and said he wish we are still togehter and wants a family with me but with him theres no turning back. And now i feel like theres no hope left. Is there anything I can do? 🙁

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    • I responded to you before with advice, but if you still feel stuck, I am happy to work with you to see where you may be stuck. Sometimes a fresh set of objective eyes does help… 🙂

      View Comment

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