Question: We’ve been together for more than 3 years. We had miscommunication problems, but I always felt like we understood each other. That’s why I was shocked when she called me with “lets take a break”. I didn’t see it coming at all. I have emails from her from 2 days earlier saying how much she loved me, so how did she suddenly fall out of love when we did not even have an argument or fight?
I’m trying very hard to just give her space but I keep going from feeling really sad and crying a lot to feeling a lot of anger towards her. Please don’t tell me to forget her and move on. Everyone is telling me to cut her out of my life but no one knows what we‘ve been through together. I still feel that we are meant to be. I just don’t understand why now she’d walk away from us. I feel so rejected.
The Love Doctor’s Answer: It’s not my intention to sound mean here, but relationships don’t just end (please see my post: Why The Man or Woman You Love Doesn’t Want You Pt. 4). There are always clues before a relationship actually ends but either you didn’t pick up on them early enough to try to stop the break-up or you were in denial. Some people get caught up on the “feel good” aspect of the relationship not wanting to deal with the underlying problems until one day it just blows up in their faces.
Did she fall out of love? I don’t know, only she can answer that. What I do know is that men and women can and do go from saying “I love you very much” one day to “I don’t want to be with you” the next day because someone can love another very much but feel that the person they love is not meeting their needs, wants or desires, or does not share their beliefs, interests and life goals.
It does not necessarily mean she stopped loving you, it just means she does not want to be in a relationship with you because 1) she’s not happy, 2) she’s lost that “in love” excitement, 3) she met/is interested in someone else 4) she does not see the relationship going anywhere, or 5) something else she feels is not right about the relationship.
Instead of focusing on “…but she said she loved me”, I suggest you sit with yourself and re-examine the relationship in totality. What were the problems in the relationsip? What did she want, need or desire but felt that she was not getting? What do you feel that you could have done but didn’t do to make the relationship better? Etc. Looking at it as “we had miscommunication problems” alone is not enough. Usually “miscommunication problems” is a symptom of something else not right in the relationship.
If you’re ever going to try to get her back, you’ll need to demonstrate that you “get it”, you have figured out how to make the relationship better and you have what it takes to create a relationship better than the one you had (one she’ll want to come back to).
Related Articles:
Just Because Someone Says They Need Space Doesn’t Always Mean The Relationship Is Over
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Acting like I don’t care and convincing myself it was her loss doesn’t work for me. I still love her and it’s taking me a very long time to get over her. I’ve tried moving on but have no motivation to seek out other women. That may make me pathetic and weak but that’s just how it is with me right now. Hopefully I feel differently soon.
I don’t think you are pathetic and weak — I actually think you are being authentic and true to yourself and your emotions. That’s strength! Not many people in this world are emotionally honest enough to show up and say… this is who I am and this is what I truly feel.
Take as much time as you need… everyone grieves their loss in their own way and time. Grief over loss only becomes problematic if over time there is no slightest change in how you feel, the emotions get more overwhelming and unmanageable, or actions and reactions become problematic/destructive. When that happens, one needs help dealing with the emotions and moving past the event causing them. Other than that… take one day at a time… one foot infront of the other.
It has not been easy especially because I never saw it coming. I thought things were really good then one day she said was in love with someone else and moving out. I’ve been heartbroken for a year. After reading your comment, I realize that both of us share the blame. If I had put in some effort in trying to make her happy, she would not have left me for someone else. I am still sad and still think of her but glad that I had the opportunity to have this person in my life. Thank you. It’s just what I needed.
Thanks Doctor, I needed to know these things and hang in there guys you all are not alone, we all have our Love one not with us right now for reasons that are unclear, but it feels good to know that I have somewhat of a guideline and something to follow by you all’s advice, give her time and work on me so that if she really does come back, I’ll be able to keep her this time around… Thanks John=John
Everything was so great the first 2 months of our relationship. He arranged dates, cooked me dinner and we made love almost every night. Then things changed. He started distancing himself, was working longer hours and had a lot of stress at work. We barely saw each other because he was always cancelling dates and never called when he said he would. When I confronted him he said he did not want to be with me anymore, and did not want to lead me on.
I’ve dated emotionally unavailable men before but none of them ever made me feel so loved and wanted. I wrote him a long email telling him it’s hard for me to understand how someone can be so loving one moment and so cold the next. I want him to know that I support him and will be there for him if he needs to work through his issues, but he needs to want to get help first. What else should I do?
I can only imagine your hurt and confusion … what I’m going to say is not going to help you feel better… but a reality check may just be the prescription you need.
First of all, almost ALL relationship are great, wonderful and magical for the first 3 months (6 months, if you are lucky). What happens after the “new’ feeling wears out is what a loving relationship is made of. Some relationships after the passion and excitement runs it’s course have deep roots that give rise to a loving lasting relationship, others have shallow or no roots and wither away fast.
Secondly, “I don’t want a relationship with you” doesn’t automatically make a man “emotionally unavailable”. “Emotionally unavailable” means that someone for some psychological reason is unable to have the relationship he/she wants to have/be in. The key word here is “WANTS” to be in the relationship. It is not the same as someone who does NOT WANT to be a relationship (with you).
Calling him “emotionally unavailable” might help you feel “good” that the problem is not with you but with him, but that kind of thinking does not help with self-reflection and emotional growth. And it certainly isn’t going to help with trying to get him back.
That “supportive girlfriend” email you wrote, may just as well have been an insult. I don’t think he took it very kindly.
What I’m saying is that the “what to do” will become clear only when you change how you are thinking about the situation. As long as you are fixated on him being “emotionally unavailable”, it will feel like there is not much more you can do — things are beyond your control.
I can appreciate the truth this article offers. I have struggled with being emotionally unavailable and I can say people can change if they want to. I’m doing the work, asking the tough questions and really looking at my patterns of behavior.
Yangki, don’t you think that if a person just wants to have a good time and not ready to commit, he/she should at least let the other person know so he/she doesn’t feel lead on or get caught up.
You have a very valid point. One should at least communicate his or her intent from the beginning or when one senses that he or she is not into the other person as much as the other person is into him or her.
But there are also men and women who even when told insist that it meant more because the other person said “I love you”, or treated him or her a certain way, or did certain things that prove that the relationship meant something serious. It’s hard, understandably so, for them to believe it was good for a while, but it’s now over.
I have been accused of being “emotionally unavailable.” Yes, I am emotionally unavailable to any woman who assumes that because I’m not rushing into a serious commitment, I must be emotionally unavailable. I am also emotionally unavailable to any woman who assumes that “all men” are the same.