Question: My girlfriend says she still loves me but is not in love with me. She says when we first met we clicked in every way; we talked all the time, conversation flowed with ease and she loved being with me. Now everything is just so boring and I’ve become too clingy and needy. I personally don’t think I’ve changed from the person she first met but I’ve noticed that we don’t spend that much time together anymore and when we do, she’s emotionally detached. I feel like she’s pushing me away but keeping me close at the same time. This is driving me crazy and makes me try to constantly figure out how to please her but it’s like I can never successfully do it. What does she mean by still she loves me but is not in love with me? Can playing hard to get reverse her being in control and increase her attraction to me? I want her to find me interesting once again because I’m not ready to give this one up without giving it my best and my all.
The Love Doctor’s Answer: I like your attitude. Most people give up on relationships too easily. There is plenty of fish in the sea, they say but many years later, these same people are still trying to catch just one fish in a sea with plenty of fish. Sad!
What she means is that she still finds you likeable and attractive in many ways but just doesn’t feel that emotional buzz anymore because things have become overwhelmingly familiar, predictable and repetitive. Reacting to her emotional distancing with clinginess and needy behaviour is just making things worse.
Can playing hard to get reverse her being in control and increase her attraction to you?
Playing hard to get does not cure clinginess and neediness. I’m fully aware that there is a school of thought out there that says that to get and maintain a woman’s (or man’s) interest one needs to create an impression of “unavailability”; create maximal distance, and withhold attention and affections. Such tactics may temporarily make you feel like you’re in “control” because you’re “playing her”; and it may (I say “may”) work on someone who is insecure or has a fear of rejection or abandonment. But “mind games” get old too fast and before you know it, you’re back to clinging and acting needy. Much worse, you may have tried the “scarcity game” on someone who has zero tolerance for mind games and she walked off or, you find that to stop herself from reacting with clinginess and neediness the other person has also started playing mind games. Now you have a polarized standoff!
Playing hard to get can inspire her to want more of you if used to create a flow of positive emotions that add value to the other person’s life (as opposed to trying to make the person feel anxious, insecure, confused, jealous, rejected, emotionally and physically starved and unloved).
Before you start inspiring her to want more of you, you must emotionally reconnect so that you’re enjoying talking to each other again. You need this “connection” because playing hard with someone who is emotionally detached or loosely attached is like trying to bleed a rock.
One way I’ve found helpful for couples in similar situations is to encourage disclosure of personal information with “emotional depth”; personal stuff that tends to focus on unfilled dreams, desires, hopes, etc. For example, rather than talking about things you both like or activities you both enjoy, ask her to tell you something she’s always wanted to do and then ask her to explain why she has not done it yet. Disclosing intimate information one normally keeps to oneself can quickly lead to feelings of closeness — a sense of “knowing” the other person as an individual, a human being unfilled dreams, desires, hopes, etc.
Once you start feeling like you can tell each other “deeper stuff” again, add playfulness, unpredictability and fun to the “sharing moments”.
Every man or woman has something — new information, something that happened to someone, etc — that gets him/her animated and excited. Instead of just blurting it all out in totally boring and unpredictable bare essentials of conversation, deliver it in little dozes – like a preacher on a pulpit. And just when she is deep into it – transfigured countenance, upturned face, parted lips – play hard to get with the information. Say something like “I’ve said too much already” or playfully ask something in exchange for “more information.” Make sure your tone of voice is playful so she knows you’re just “playing hard to get”.
Keep on creating that very-close-yet-far fascination with every word you say and every minute you spend with her. When you keep a man or woman looking forward to something new or different, you engage his or her mind and emotions in a pleasant playful guessing game, especially when s/he had no idea what, when and how it it’s going to be different.
That’s what emotional appeal FEELS like. The little moments of “emotional intensity” leave a lasting imprints in her heart and make her want more of the experience – and more of you.
These are just a couple of tips to get you started. Relationships are more than just “interesting conversations”, you need to bring this sense of emotional intensity and excitement into every aspect of the relationship – physical, mental, emotional, sexual and social. Good luck!
***Do you have a burning question you’d like to ask an experienced and insightful Dating & Relationships Coach? Here’s your chance. Go to ” Ask a Question” page above and ask away.
Related Articles:
Does Playing Hard To Get Make You More Attractive?
The Right And Wrong Way To Play Hard To Get
9 Playing Hard-To-Get Strategies That Keep Him or Her Interested
Playing The Catch Me Game – How To Make The Chase Thrilling For Him or Her
Originally posted 2010-01-05 16:11:54. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
Withholding attention and affection is a form of emotional abuse. My ex did it with me, being vague when I asked her what she was doing, always ending the conversation with “I have plans” and that kind of thing. I was ready to do anything to get her back but that changed my mind.
Thank you for saying it so plainly and sensibly. I always tell people trying to get their ex back, the minute you withhold attention and affection from someone who is already loosely attached or during a period of uncertainty, you are on your own. Indifference never inspires love because love by it’s very nature is about being approachable, open, receptive and caring.
Giving in to blackmail by indifference is as bad as the blackmail itself. If you have to be blackmailed into coming back to or stay in a relationship, something is already so wrong with that dynamic – you’re better off on your own.
It’s not always about emotional abuse or blackmail. Sometimes it’s necessary to make an ex realize what it feels like to lose you. Some people do not know what they had until it’s gone.
Keywords: “what they had”. If the person does not feel that “what they had” is of any value to them, taking it away won’t make it any more valuable. How can you lose what you never had?
And that’s one of the biggest problems with today’s “feel-good” relationships. Most of us invest time and effort on the fleeting/ transitory/ephemeral “feel-good” aspects of a relationship and not much on the things that create a deeper and lasting bond. Once it doesn’t “feel-good” anymore, we want out – lost interest, gone, what’s there to look back for….. NEXT?!
It “feels good” to think we’re valuable to someone else, unfortunately most people realize just how little they mean to the other person when they try to make that person want/miss them!
My ex also told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. I decided the only way I was going to get over him was to completely stop all contact. After a week I missed him so much and texted him. He still wanted to be friends. We met for drinks and one thing led to another and we had sex. He wants us to meet for sex again but with no expectations of getting back together. Is he playing hard to get or I’m I wasting my emotions?
I don’t think he’s playing hard to get, I think he wants sex. Tell him you are open to meeting for drinks and spending time together with no expectations of sex and see what happens. I suspect you’ll never hear from him again. Better to find out and be sure. What have you got to lose?
i recently told my wife that i cannot take the fighting anymore and left,its been very difficault ,she rang me and said she will take this to her grave that i never gave us a chance, now thats emotional blackmail.guess what she wants it to work ,and i dont think it will
I agree, her words sound like emotional blackmail. That’s what happens when people have just broken up – too much raw and uncontrolled emotions. She’s hurt and thinks that will make you change your mind.
If you don’t think it’ll work (in another comment you said you don’t think counselling will help because you’re two very different people) and not even ready to keep an open mind/give it a chance there is very little she can do on her own make it work. But if you’re willing to give her a chance to make it work, then it might actually work. Some relationship differences are reconcilable and others are not. It all comes down to what you want, your state of mind and how you both handle this. I’ve seen many cases where it starts with “Absolutely Not” then goes to “May be” then “I’ll try” then Yes!” depending on what is being done to try to make it work.
You mentioned being really depressed in your other comment and depression on it’s own even without relationship problems can make someone very pessimistic and negative on just about everything. You might want to seriously reconsider working with a therapist in your area instead of trying to get help this way — if not for the relationship at least do it for yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy and living their best- even you!
hi again my wife is from europe and we met in england 4 years ago,we were engaged after 1 year and i am australian so you know. we worked hard for 2 years but when it came to spending time together we would have an argument…
Hi again, Maxwell… I received your third question 1) it’s too long and will distract other users from getting to the answers and guidance they’re looking for and 2) your question is about different cultural backgrounds. This post is about whether or not love can be restored when an ex says he/she’s not in love. I want to help, but I also want my blog to be user friendly and relevant for all users.
Please send your question as an email question. The instructions on how to do that are in the “Ask a Question” button above. Alternatively if you want individualized attention for your situation, sign up for phone session by clicking “Get Help” button above.
hey, i posted a comment on here a week or so ago and its not here anymore?
little help? x
There is a reason your comment was not approved 1) too long that it distracts from the original post question and answer, 2) unrelated to the post. I try to keep the blog user-friendly, relevant and RESPECTFUL. That’s what makes this blog different from other public discussion boards.
Please send your question by email. The instructions on how, are in “Ask A Question” page.
sorry i didnt know. well basically my ex says she loves me but is not ‘in love’ anymore and she is moving away to make things easier on us both. i still love her and want her back, and i think she does too i just think she is scared of losing me forever if it didnt work out. well thats wot she says anyway. i just dont know what to do, were friends and that but i want more please help
Personally, I don’t buy into the excuse she’s giving you. Sounds like what most exes say not to hurt your feelings, ” It’s not you, it’s me”. Well, if she truly loves you and knows that the problem is with her being scared, then why does she move away instead of staying and trying to “fix her.” Common sense would be, if she works on why she’s scared then everything will be fine, right?
That said, yes, love can be restored even if someone says she’s not in love again. You have to get to the bottom of why she doesn’t FEEL in love with you and try to fill the gap between “she loves you” (attracted to you) and “she doesn’t FEEL in love” (doesn’t feel that excitement or buzz of energy that comes with being in love).
As for “getting her back” there is not just one thing to do to get her back. There are many stages to finally getting back together and each couple goes through the stages differently. I have an article that particularly address this stage of … “Your Ex Wants To Be Friends But You Want More – How Do You Get Your Ex Back”
There are also many posts and responses to comments in the “Attract Back Your Ex” category that address this.
Your site is splendid I will have to read it all, thank you for the diversion from my classwork!
I have been married 17 yrs. Wife is having mid life crisis.She says taken care of family for the whole time without appreciation. My question is it possibly to restore love, or is better to let her go?
Yes, it’s possible to restore love. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. The decision to restore or let go depends on:
1. How badly the relationship is damaged
2. Her willingness to try again
3. How badly you want to restore the relationship
4. Your ability to make her feel love (and appreciation)
My advice is always to do everything you can to restore it — if she is willing to try to work on it with you. You don’t want to give up easily because that will torment you for the rest of your life. You’ll wonder what would have happened if you’d tried.
so my wife has told me that she is not in love with me anymore.after 8 years of marriage.was probally the hardest thing i have ever heard in my life.she loves me but not in love with me.one day she wants to walk away and thats it then one day she would like it to work,you see we have 2 kids one 11 and one 6.and i know i love her with all my heart and i dont want to loose her.how do i know if she really wants it to work or not?and can it work if she really feels that she isnt in love with me?
Seems she’s not sure herself what she wants. The best way to know if she’s serious is agree on what needs to be done to try to make it work and see if she commits to it and follows through. Otherwise words are just that… words.
In some relationships those feelings of “in love” can be restored (and the relationship can even be better than the first time) but it takes real work and commitment.