Question: I bumped into my ex-girlfriend and she’s even more beautiful than when we were dating. We had a mutual breakup so there were no bad feelings between us. She asked me if I wanted to catch up over coffee and I said yes. We just talked about what we have both been up to, laughed at some old time stories and generally had a great time. She has no current boyfriend and I’m just out of a two year relationship. I asked her out again and she has said yes. I get the feeling she now sees me only as a friend and may be I feel that about her too — just not sure. In your work, have you really seen relationships been restored after break up? I’m not trying to get her back, just wanted to know if you’ve seen cases of people getting back together after along period of time apart? What are the odds or indicators that there is even a chance of that happening?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: YES, I’ve seen two people get back together after a break-up. I have seen hundreds of dating and formerly married couples get back after along period of time a part. But I’ve I also seen hundreds of relationships were two people don’t get back together after a break up.
Each relationship is different and each couple is different. Some relationships have a better foundation and others were nothing but a series of one night stands. Some relationships have nothing except assumptions, neediness and stress, and others were great relationships that ended because of a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication.
Over the years, I’ve identified some obvious indicators of whether two people will get back together or not, and how soon.
1. How long were you in the relationship?
People who’ve been in a relationship for a longer period of time tend to stand a better chance because of the bond created over time.
2. How serious was your relationship?
If you have both introduced each other to your closest friends/family and if their reaction was positive, the encouragement (or pressure) from your social support networks often works to your advantage. The opposite is also true.
3. Why did you break up?
This one is a big one. Some reasons for a break-up are easily reconcilable and others are deal breakers. The deal breakers often include: no feelings of attraction, feeling that the relationship is wrong or that the other is not the right person, conflict in life styles and goals etc.
4. How did you break up?
People who consider their break up mutual or amiable are more likely to keep in touch than where a break up was nasty. They are also more likely to remember and reminisce on the positive things about the relationship, what could have been done better etc. This may lead to wanting to try and see if they can do it better.
5. What changes has each made since breaking up?
Unless an ex believes the relationship will be different/better than what he/she walked away from, they see no point in getting back together.
6. Is your ex seeing/dating someone else?
If your ex is with someone else, he or she may not be in a hurry to get back together because s/he wants to see if the other relationship offers more. A lot depends on whether you can show him/her that what you offer is better.
7. Where is a relationship in the list of his/her priorities?
After a break-up most people tend to pour all their time and energy onto something else e.g. personal development, spiritual pursuits, career, hobby, social networking etc. These can become attractive alternatives and will require more effort and resourceful on your part to be able to inject yourself into your ex’s “new life”.
8. What have you tried doing to get your ex back?
Some things people do to try to get their ex back actually make it impossible to get an ex back. They either confirm what the ex does not want about you or brings out the worst in you that your ex did not even know existed.
9. Geography/proximity
Men and woman in long distance relationships may face additional relationship uncertainty which may influence the desire to try again or thwart attempts to make it work. On the other hand, distance if used correctly is a positive ingredient for ‘starting a fresh”.
10. Ability to handle uncertainty
Vague statements, conflicting signals and shifting positions often get many people so stressed out that they start acting in counter-productive ways. Men and women who are better able to detect (sometimes it’s”just your gut instinct), the inconsistent or contradicting information or signals from an ex and use that to elicit cooperation have a better chance of turning things around.
These are just the common indicators. Like I said, each relationship is different and each couple is different. With a little careful planning, a good strategy, patience and consistency, most situations can be turned around.
PS: You said you’re not trying to get her back but if you decide to, go for it, you seem to have a GOOD chance :=)
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I love this post. Thank you. My ex and I have different versions of what led to the breakup. We get along fine until we start talking about the reasons for the breakup
At some point you will have to set aside the question of who is right and who is wrong and discuss how to move forward, if that’s what you both want. Looking backwards only tends to increase tension and prolong the get back together process
I agree with what you’re saying but how exactly do I discuss how to move forward?
I have two chapters in my eBook: Dating Your Ex on how and when to bring up “the talk”, what to say and what to avoid. I can’t post all the two chapters here…
This weekend we will both be attending a mutual friend’s wedding. This will be the first time seeing each other since right before the break up four months ago. I’m way nervous and I don’t know what to do when I see her there. Should I wait for her to come to me? go to her? avoid her? I still love her very much and want her back. She is the love of my life.
I think you should go to her and say “hi” but don’t hang around doing nothing or try to get her into a conversation if she doesn’t look like she’s excited about seeing you or talking to you. Just go ahead and enjoy the wedding and don’t make it look like your happiness depends on her. That includes avoiding trying to make eye contact or staring at her when you think she’s not looking. Any one of your/her friends might be looking and pathetic and desperate is not attractive. This alone will not get your ex back, but it will at least not make you look pathetic.
I feel sad for how I messed up my relationship. I didn’t give a care about his heart. Now the table has turned, I want him but he no longer wants me.The most painful part is that he left with an impression of me as a cold and heartless person. How do I go about changing his impression of me?
Make genuine changes on yourself and show him that you are warm and loving and not the cold and heartless person he currently thinks you are. Just telling him isn’t going to cut it. He needs to see a warm and loving you.
I jumped to conclusions and did not give him time to talk. I just said if u r so unhappy being with me then we should not be together. I never expected him to say if that’s what you want I will leave you alone. He has totally shut me off. I tried all ways to talk to him, he just ignores me. I am really at loss.
Stop trying to make him talk to you. It’s you thinking that you can just switch him on and off that is making him more resistant. Try sending him a simple and very brief email telling him you realize you made a mistake not giving him time to explain himself. Say you’d like at some point to be able to explain yourself in person but only when he feels ready. Then step back and let him decide what he wants to do.
We are in our 3rd n/c session. The last 2 she called me back. This one is in week 5 now. I tried to call last week, she didn’t answer. I did buy the book, and am trying to stay positive like you say. But some times I get the negative feelings, like she is not going to call this time.
I don’t know how n/c sessions work. I don’t advice it or encourage it for the very reason you mention here. In the eBook, there are some relatively simple guildelines to help you through each of the stages of the process e.g. what to expect/might happen at each stage, number of times to reach out, how and what to do in the meantime, and how to deal with the feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. Like I said in the eBook, just keeping positive is not enough (and can be delusional thinking at times). It’s what you do while you keep positive that makes the difference.
We had been emailing each other regularly but it’s been over a week and he hasn’t responded to my last email, which I find very strange since he always responds within hours or on the same day. It’s so hard to be in love with someone one day and then realize you will never hear from them again. What do you think I should do?
It’s only a little over a week and neither of you is doing NC, give it time. He responded regularly before and it’s not like you had a fight or something. There are reasons a person will not respond to an email – some of which have nothing to do with you. If it gets to two weeks and you still haven’t heard from him, send him another email asking if he is alright (you’re worried about him). If he doesn’t respond, then chances are he does not want to give you false hopes of getting back together or risking you falling for him again and causing you pain.
Best way to get an ex back is to get over them as much as you can.
That doesn’t make much sense. Either you still have feelings for someone and hope that at some point you’ll get back together or you get O-V-E-R them… move on… find someone new. You can’t have it both ways.
He sent me an email last night. His dad is in hospital. He said seeing his dad very sick made him think about “us”. Thank you for your timely help.
That’s good news! I’m glad I could be of help.
I still obsess over whether or not I did enough to save the relationship. A part of me that wants to believe he is not over me but it’s been 6 months since we broke up.
You may or may not have done enough to save the relationship, you can’t undo the past. What are you going to do now? If I were you, I’d try contacting him. There is no guarantee that he’ll respond or want to give the relationship another chance, but at least 6 months from now, you’ll not be wondering what would have happened if you had tried to contact him. You’ll at least know you gave it a try and he didn’t respond or had moved on. With love you just never know until you’ve given it a chance!
i recently had a break up with the girl i’ve dated for 2 years and had a thing for, for 5 years, she’s gone to school 2 hours away, and i still love her, worst part is that i have to wait 4 years to find out whether or not her and i will get back together. We are best friends and i have i few ideas on how to get her back, and a few friends that know the both of us think the plans will work.
Having a good plan is very important because it keeps you focused and hopeful. I too hope your plans work
thanks and so do i, she’s worth the wait and planning
He says he still has feelings for me and we might get back together someday but wants to date and see what’s out there.
Basically what he is saying is if he doesn’t find someone “better” then he’ll come back to you. My question to you is, are you okay with this arrangement? It works for some people in that after dating for a while he realizes what he had with you is better than what is out there. It doesn’t work for others, after a while the chemistry fades or he meets someone else. What’s most important is NOT what he wants but what YOU want and can live with.
I need advice… Me and my ex dated for a good 7 months ( the longest he ever dated) he is into fmaily lfie and getting his career started to then start a family. We were good and 2 months into the relationship i cheated ( biggest regret) and he forgave me. I was sog rateful and we continued to date and we were happy. We met both sides of the family and everything. Then one day he said he thought we need a break because he thought we were fighitng alot. i kindia overreacted when he broke up with me. Then i apolgized but he got into a rebound relationship. i told him my feelings for him and told him i want to work it out. He however is in a rebound relationship and told me i need to give him space. I am planning on giving him space and just occassionally emailing to say hope all is well. Do you think there is anything else i can do, that would increase my likelihood of him giving me a second chance?
Thank You
YES, there are many things (just one thing never works) that will increase the likelihood of him giving you a second chance.
I have MANY articles on my blog and website on MANY of the things you can do depending on your particular situation. You might also want to grab my eBook on how to get your ex back by DATING him again.
I was wondering if in a situation where the family disapproved of the bf/gf before even meeting them contributed as a factor to the break-up, is there still a chance for getting back together with them? Since you mentioned above that introducing each other to family showed how serious the relationship is.
There is a chance if the person whose family disapproves is confident that you have wonderful qualities that if his/her family got to know you well, they’ll come to love you. He/she may get back together with you and try to give both his/her family and you a chance to get to know each other before making a final decision. A lot depends on if the person feels you’re “the one”, if he/she was happy in the relationship to begin with and how you handled/are handling the post break up.
Hi Yangki,
I’m reading your e-book for the third time (printed form much better and so much more to discern). I like your insights and advice. Two questions:
(1) You say having a plan/strategy in getting back an Ex is critical. But you don’t show in your book what this plan or strategy looks like or how to develop one. Could you enlighten us, please?
(2) How do I reach you directly by email?
Thanks.
As a matter of fact I DO show in my book what this plan or strategy looks like and have already developed one for you.
Dating Your Ex eBook is THE plan/strategy – a step by step GUIDE through all the 28 stages of the process – from deciding whether to get back your ex, initiating contact, what to look for, how to react, what to say, what to do, how to deal with a hostile ex, friendship zone, pull and push stage, restoring trust, re-igniting passion, overcoming obstacles you may encounter through to getting to a committed relationship. Thousands of people who have followed the ebook through all the stages have written to me over the years saying just following the plan/strategy helped them get their ex back.
As I explained to you in several of your other comments/questions, if you need additional help because you’re situation is unique (I could not cover all the different scenarios and hundreds of relationship specific situations in one book), I’m happy to work with you in telephone coaching to develop a relationship specific plan/strategy unique to your situation and to your ex. For help developing a relationship specific plan/strategy you can reach me by clicking on the coaching page. Otherwise you can reach me through the form in the contact page.
PS; I can call anywhere in the world and work with clients in all continents, so you being in Australia is not a problem.
That is nice to definitely find a site where the blogger knows what they are talking about.
This is really good. I can certainly see a lot of work ahead of me but after reading this I somehow feel confident that I can make it. Thank you.
All these are great advice. My ex boyfriend of 4 years told me that he isn’t in love with me anymore, and only has feelings of friends toward us. I see that its a deal breaker, but I’m hoping I might be able to change his mind.
You’ll find a lot of advice here that address situations very simliar to yours. All the best!
Glad I could be of some help…:-)
My wife of 10 years has separated from me, taking with her our beautiful daughter. I have always been a devoted father and husband and am having difficulty coming to terms with thr injustice of our break up. Our daughter is very sad and misses me greatly. I want to have my family back but am not sure of the approach i should take or how long i should wait.
Kind regards,
Mitch
“The approach to take” and “how long to wait” are the most discussed topics on the blog. There are more Q&As posts on those two topics than any other topic.
I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.
Yangki, I put in the effort and followed your eBook to the letter and i am happy to report shes back! You did a great job “deciphering” it and giving me a ton of practical things to do. I owe you.
Yangki, please help me understand my ex’s change of heart. We were together for 3 years, had some problems and broke up a couple of times but always got back together. This last time we both agreed that longer time apart would be better for the relationship. We remained in contact for 4 months but it was too painful for me to be in contact, so I asked for no contact. My ex didn’t want it and said the break-up was a mistake, we should try to work things out. After many back and forth texts he agreed to no contact. I took the time to work on myself and my issues. Now after almost 13 months apart, he tells me he does not want to give the relationship another try, that the breakup was actually the right thing for both of us. My question is 1) isn’t absence supposed to make the heart fonder? and 2) why the change of heart?
It’s true that sometimes absence makes the heart fonder — for some people. But it’s also true that the longer people are broken up the more likely that one or both will convince themselves that the break-up was the right thing. It’s just one of those things… after the break-up, most people work hard at a new life without their ex.
At some point, that new life becomes the new “normal”, and for some people it is better than the life they had with their ex. So even if at the time of the break-up one thought it should not have happened, time and new experiences can quickly change that.
My ex of more than 5 years texted me and wants to see me. We have been broken up for more than 2 years, and had minimal contact over the years. We both have been dating other people but my relationship ended 3 months ago. I’m not sure whether seeing him is a good thing or not. I still have feelings for him, I don’t know if he has feelings for me or even if he is still with his girlfriend. Any advice would really help. Thank you.
If he a good guy when you dated (not abusive etc) and you still have feelings for him and feel strong enough (emotionally) to meet him, then meet him and see what it’s all about. If he shows interest but is still with his girlfriend, remind him of the fact… but leave the door open for when he is single again.
She kissed me was crying and said she cares for me very much and is going to miss me but she just needs a bit of space and time to think things through. I asked her if I can contact her once in a while to see how she’s doing and she said “I’d love that”. Everyone is telling me to cut off all contact since she has chosen not to be with me. And because she said she’ll miss me, it’ll make her miss me even more. Or do you think I should maintain contact? Please advice.
I don’t advice on no contact. She’ll miss you alright but it’ll also send the message that you only are there for her when you have something to gain. In these days of Me-and-Me, it’s not what you want someone you want a relationship with to be thinking of you.
Keeping in contact on the other hand, especially when she said “I’d love that” confirms to her that you’ll be there for her even she’s confused — and will not bail out on her just because she’s going through a phase.
One thing though, keep the contact to just “see how she’s doing” and not trying to get her back. This will increase your chances when she’s done thinking things through!
What if she comes back after thinking through and says she does not want to be with me anymore?
That’s possible. However, cutting off all contact is not going to change what her final decision will be. All you have control over is how you react to her decision to take space and time to think things through. It all comes down to how you act when things aren’t going your way…
In the past I reacted by getting angry and defiant, texting her insistently and threatening her which is why she needs space and time. I just think that not contacting her will show her I’ve changed.
Same thing. Only difference is that before you were directly angry and defiant, with no contact you are passively defiant.
If you read my posts, I’m all for people choosing their path. Some things we learn the hard way. So, if you want to do no contact, that’s entirely up to you. But don’t say, no body warned you! I DID… ):
It’s been 5 weeks on NC for me and I know I should be doing this for me but I’m wondering if she even realizes I’ve not contacted her. She told me she didn’t want anything to do with me and lately has started dating again. Will me not being around really make a difference?
Most likely not. She told you she didn’t want anything to do with you and is dating again… that sounds to me like someone who wants to move on without you.
I’ve said here on my blog several times, by the time you feel that “no contact” is your only option, chances are that the relationship is damaged beyond repair. People using no contact to get their ex back are mostly in denial or having a hard time accepting that their ex doesn’t want them anymore. They really have nothing to lose doing N/C. People (smart ones) don’t do “no contact” because they have a lot to lose.
Nothing drives a person more crazy than complete indifference. Unless of course the person who has broken up with you doesn’t give a tiny little crap about you and in that case, you are refusing to face reality.
After 5 weeks of no contact I realized I wasn’t over my ex and contacted him. He replied 3 days later saying he thought it was strange that I decided to talk to him again, he emailed me once in no contact but I didn’t respond. To cut the long story short, we started communicating again. Wk 1 – texting 2 – 5 times a day and 3 phone calls. Wk 2 – texting but mostly me initiating contact and him taking forever to reply. Wk 3 – still me initiating all contact but he’s not responding. I called it went straight to voicemail so I called from another phone and he answered but said he is really busy with work. I’m at a lose as to what to do. I don’t want to confront him because that’s what I did in the past and he broke up with me because I was controlling and needy. What should I do? I really love him very much. Thanks in advance if you would answer.
Response ro Jess:
You have a point about indifference. It “may” drive your ex crazy and may be even turn up the heat to make your ex want to keep you around/toy with you a little. But in the end, you that’s all there is to it — just a mind game. It doesn’t however stop people from refusing to accept reality.
Response ot Branff:
This is one of the qualms I have with “No Contact”. When you just disappear, it not only sends the wrong message to your ex, it also can plant a seed of wanting revenge. It’s a common human relation-dysfunction trait to want take back the “power” we think has shifted to the other person. I don’t know if that’s what he is doing, just going by what happens most of the time in these kind of situations.
When you get to a point where contacting someone makes you come across more as a nuisance rather than a delight, it’s may be time to let it go. In the next relationship, think twice before you cut off all contact with someone you still love.
Are you saying I can’t get him back at all, may be some time in the future? He said he missed me and stuff. Is there something I can do to get him back?
I don’t know if you can or can’t get him back. I’m not privy to what the future holds or what your capabilities are. What I’m saying is that right now, in terms of what to DO to get him back, there’s nothing you can DO (emphasis on “do”).
He always had trouble trusting me and no contact made him not trust me even more. But what if I try talking to him in person? I always had an effect on him when we are in each other’s presence.
You could try that… but if he’s hardly responding to your texts and the answering machine is taking your calls, how — short of tricking him like you did with the phone call — are you going to get him to meet you in person? And even if you managed to trick him into meeting you, what’s that meeting going to be like?
I know you really want this badly, and I feel for you. It’s hard going through what you are going through, but pushing it as hard as you are doing makes things worse. You need to learn to let things go sometimes. Letting go is not the same as giving up. Letting go is the decision to stop pushing too hard, struggling against resistance and generating frustration and suffering. You’ll find that you have better insight and make better decisions when you let go than when you are constanty pushing hard.
Yangki, taking the high road when a relationship ends is not easy. Cutting off all contact would have been easier for me but after considering how it might affect any kind of relationship I might have with my ex in the future, I decided I’d simply be the bigger person. At first he would not respond to my texts and emails but I remained courteous. he started to come around, in initiating contact more. He was the first to ask if we can hang out and reached to touch my hand. I don’t know where this is going but I know things would have been very different if I had chosen the no contact route.
I think that people should not use no contact in a blanket way, they should consider their ex’s personality and the kind of relationship they had.
You are right. Contrary to what most people say, “No Contact” is the easier way. Keeping contact with someone who has rejected you for whatever reason doesn’t come naturally — and doing it effectively is even harder because of all the emotions one has to navigate.
Whatever it is that you are doing, it is working! Don’t begin over thinking it because panic will set in and cause you to react instead of act consciously. If it means anything… all the very best!!!
Yangki, I am so happy that I stumbled across your e-book!! I have been broken up with my bf for a month. Initially, I was the one who broke up with him. A week later when I realized I had made a BIG mistake and tried to get back together with him, he would not take me back. During this one month, we have gone from him being terribly angry with me, to shutting me out, to now being able to open up about how he really feels about our breakup, and we have gotten to the bottom of why he is reluctant to get back together. But I have to thank you because although I knew instinctively that going NC was not the right approach to this, I might have done a few other dumb things to really screw it up, but after reading and re-reading your e-book, I acted out of love and compassion. We still aren’t back together, but he has opened up and finally turned his “HELL NO” to a “NO” to an “I need some time to figure things out.” Which I am more than happy to give to him. I followed and continue to follow your strategies and plain sound advice and little by little postitive things are unfolding right before my eyes. What’s even better is that I am amazed at my own confident and understanding position–I am putting his feelings first for the moment and not being guided by the all dreaded FEAR.
Thanks so much for guiding me!!
I will keep you posted!
“I need some time to figure things out” is degrees from “Hell No!”
Yeah-yah, my eBook and advice is amazing *brag, brag*…: What and who is really amazing is YOU! One can have the best advice in the world but still make no progress. The eBook is just a roadmap, you, the driver makes it happen.
Give him all the time he needs… but use that time to work on you/take care of yourself. You can both work on you and grow the relationship at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You learn more about you and about relationships by being in a relationship. The “retreat to the desert” approach to working on yourself or learning about relationships is just that…theory yet to be tested!
Continue with the “effective contact” strategy and don’t allow yourself to be put in a “just friends” box. Keep pushing against the boundaries of what he might or may have already defined as “friends”. Look at it as just space for you to try to change things. As long as the boundaries remain “vague” and flexible, anything is possible. You CAN do this!!!
Yangki, what is your advice on having regular sex with your ex? Does it hurt your chances of getting your ex back?
I personally don’t have any hang-ups or rules about adults and their sex lives. But from years of helping exes get back together, regular sex with your ex is not something I’d advice in the very initial states of the process. There is the risk of things quickly escalating into “friends with benefits” situation.
Build up a level of understanding, safety and trust first. If sex was good before the break-up, it’s still going to be good…
This is very helpful. My situation is long distance relationship. We broke up because of distance and others issues. We still love each other and trying to make it work but distance is still a huge problem. He can’t move because he’ll lose custody of his children and I can’t move because I take care of my parents both aged and terminally ill.
You have helped me see things in a different light. Before I started reading your blog, I felt my situation was hopeless but your words have been uplifting and comforting. I don’t know why but I feel like there is hope for us even right now we are struggling. Thank you.
Hi Yangki, I love your site. I was just wondering, does your advice also apply in case of teenagers and young adults still in school? I have questions about my ex, we’re both students but I don’t know if this site caters to that demography.
I’m glad you asked. I’m hoping that the advice works for the demography you describe too. The reality is, my target audience is older. I mostly work with men and women 27 – 60 years of age, and for that reason I’m more familiar with the kind of relationship issues that they deal with.
There are some major differences in the kind of relationship issues teenagers and young adults face. I don’t think I’m the best person to give advice to teenagers and young adults still in school. I’m humble enough not to pretend to know…