Wednesday October 1st 2014

10 Top Indicators You’ll Get Back Your Ex

Question: I bumped into my ex-girlfriend and she’s even more beautiful than when we were dating. We had a mutual breakup so there were no bad feelings between us. She asked me if I wanted to catch up over coffee and I said yes. We just talked about what we have both been up to, laughed at some old time stories and generally had a great time.

She has no current boyfriend and I’m just out of a two year relationship. I asked her out again and she has said yes. I get the feeling she now sees me only as a friend and may be I feel that about her too — just not sure. In your work, have you really seen relationships been restored after break up? I’m not trying to get her back, just wanted to know if you’ve seen cases of people getting back together after along period of time apart? What are the odds or indicators that there is even a chance of that happening?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: YES, I’ve seen two people get back together after a break-up. I have seen hundreds of dating and formerly married couples get back after along period of time a part. But I’ve I also seen hundreds of relationships were two people don’t get back together after a break up.

Each relationship is different and each couple is different. Some relationships have a better foundation and others were nothing but a series of one night stands. Some relationships have nothing except assumptions, neediness and stress, and others were great relationships that ended because of a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication.

Over the years, I’ve identified some obvious indicators of whether two people will get back together or not, and how soon.

1.  How long you were in a relationship

People who’ve been in a relationship for a longer period of time tend to stand a better chance because of the bond created over time.

2. How serious your relationship was

If you have both introduced each other to your closest friends/family and if their reaction was positive, the encouragement (or pressure) from your social support networks often works to your advantage. The opposite is also true.

3.  Why you broke up

This one is a big one. Some reasons for a break-up are easily reconcilable and others are deal breakers. The deal breakers often include: no feelings of attraction, feeling that the relationship is wrong or that the other is not the right person, conflict in life styles and goals etc.

4. How you broke up

People who consider their break up mutual or amiable are more likely to keep in touch than where a break up was nasty. They are also more likely to remember and reminisce on the positive things about the relationship, what could have been done better etc. This may lead to wanting to try and see if they can do it better.

5.  What changes each has made since breaking up

Unless an ex believes the relationship will be different/better than what he/she walked away from, they see no point in getting back together.

6. Whether or not one (or both of you) is seeing/dating someone else

If your ex is with someone else, he or she may not be in a hurry to get back together because s/he wants to see if the other relationship offers more. A lot depends on whether you can show him/her that what you offer is better.

7. Where s/he places a relationship in the list of his/her priorities

After a break-up most people tend to pour all their time and energy onto something else e.g. personal development, spiritual pursuits, career, hobby, social networking etc. These can become attractive alternatives and will require more effort and resourceful on your part to be able to inject yourself into your ex’s “new life”.

8. What you’ve tried doing to get your ex back

Some things people do to try to get their ex back actually make it impossible to get an ex back. They either confirm what the ex does not want about you or brings out the worst in you that your ex did not even know existed.

9. Geography/proximity

Men and woman in long distance relationships may face additional relationship uncertainty which may influence the desire to try again or thwart attempts to make it work. On the other hand, distance if used correctly is a positive ingredient for ‘starting a fresh”.

10. Ability to handle uncertainty

Vague statements, conflicting signals and shifting positions often get many people so stressed out that they start acting in counter-productive ways. Men and women who are better able to detect (sometimes it’s”just your gut instinct), the inconsistent or contradicting information or signals from an ex and use that to elicit cooperation have a better chance of turning things around.

These are just the common indicators. Like I said, each relationship is different and each couple is different. With a little careful planning, a good strategy, patience and consistency, most situations can be turned around.

PS: You said you’re not trying to get her back but if you decide to, go for it, you seem to have a GOOD chance :=)

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

140 Responses to “10 Top Indicators You’ll Get Back Your Ex”

  1. AaronT says:

    I love this post. Thank you. My ex and I have different versions of what led to the breakup. We get along fine until we start talking about the reasons for the breakup

  2. At some point you will have to set aside the question of who is right and who is wrong and discuss how to move forward, if that’s what you both want. Looking backwards only tends to increase tension and prolong the get back together process

  3. AaronT says:

    I agree with what you’re saying but how exactly do I discuss how to move forward?

  4. I have two chapters in my eBook: Dating Your Ex on how and when to bring up “the talk”, what to say and what to avoid. I can’t post all the two chapters here… :)

  5. SoulX2 says:

    This weekend we will both be attending a mutual friend’s wedding. This will be the first time seeing each other since right before the break up four months ago. I’m way nervous and I don’t know what to do when I see her there. Should I wait for her to come to me? go to her? avoid her? I still love her very much and want her back. She is the love of my life.

  6. I think you should go to her and say “hi” but don’t hang around doing nothing or try to get her into a conversation if she doesn’t look like she’s excited about seeing you or talking to you. Just go ahead and enjoy the wedding and don’t make it look like your happiness depends on her. That includes avoiding trying to make eye contact or staring at her when you think she’s not looking. Any one of your/her friends might be looking and pathetic and desperate is not attractive. This alone will not get your ex back, but it will at least not make you look pathetic.

  7. moneris says:

    I jumped to conclusions and did not give him time to talk. I just said if u r so unhappy being with me then we should not be together. I never expected him to say if that’s what you want I will leave you alone. He has totally shut me off. I tried all ways to talk to him, he just ignores me. I am really at loss.

  8. Stop trying to make him talk to you. It’s you thinking that you can just switch him on and off that is making him more resistant. Try sending him a simple and very brief email telling him you realize you made a mistake not giving him time to explain himself. Say you’d like at some point to be able to explain yourself in person but only when he feels ready. Then step back and let him decide what he wants to do.

  9. dioclem says:

    We are in our 3rd n/c session. The last 2 she called me back. This one is in week 5 now. I tried to call last week, she didn’t answer. I did buy the book, and am trying to stay positive like you say. But some times I get the negative feelings, like she is not going to call this time.

  10. I don’t know how n/c sessions work. I don’t advice it or encourage it for the very reason you mention here. In the eBook, there are some relatively simple guildelines to help you through each of the stages of the process e.g. what to expect/might happen at each stage, number of times to reach out, how and what to do in the meantime, and how to deal with the feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. Like I said in the eBook, just keeping positive is not enough (and can be delusional thinking at times). It’s what you do while you keep positive that makes the difference.

  11. NotOverHim says:

    We had been emailing each other regularly but it’s been over a week and he hasn’t responded to my last email, which I find very strange since he always responds within hours or on the same day. It’s so hard to be in love with someone one day and then realize you will never hear from them again. What do you think I should do?

  12. It’s only a little over a week and neither of you is doing NC, give it time. He responded regularly before and it’s not like you had a fight or something. There are reasons a person will not respond to an email – some of which have nothing to do with you. If it gets to two weeks and you still haven’t heard from him, send him another email asking if he is alright (you’re worried about him). If he doesn’t respond, then chances are he does not want to give you false hopes of getting back together or risking you falling for him again and causing you pain.

  13. Creole says:

    Best way to get an ex back is to get over them as much as you can.

  14. That doesn’t make much sense. Either you still have feelings for someone and hope that at some point you’ll get back together or you get O-V-E-R them… move on… find someone new. You can’t have it both ways.

  15. NotOverHim says:

    He sent me an email last night. His dad is in hospital. He said seeing his dad very sick made him think about “us”. Thank you for your timely help.

  16. That’s good news! I’m glad the advice somehow helped.

  17. Arieslady says:

    I still obsess over whether or not I did enough to save the relationship. A part of me that wants to believe he is not over me but it’s been 6 months since we broke up.

  18. You may or may not have done enough to save the relationship, you can’t undo the past. What you should be focused on is: What are you going to do now?

    If I were you, I’d try contacting him. There is no guarantee that he’ll respond or want to give the relationship another chance, but at least 6 months from now, you’ll not be wondering what would have happened if you had tried to contact him. You’ll at least know you gave it a try and he didn’t respond or had moved on. With love you just never know until you’ve given it a chance!

  19. dev says:

    i recently had a break up with the girl i’ve dated for 2 years and had a thing for, for 5 years, she’s gone to school 2 hours away, and i still love her, worst part is that i have to wait 4 years to find out whether or not her and i will get back together. We are best friends and i have i few ideas on how to get her back, and a few friends that know the both of us think the plans will work.

  20. Having a good plan is very important because it keeps you focused and hopeful. I too hope your plans work.

  21. dev says:

    thanks and so do i, she’s worth the wait and planning

  22. Misha says:

    He says he still has feelings for me and we might get back together someday but wants to date and see what’s out there.

  23. Basically what he is saying is that if he doesn’t find someone “better”, then he’ll come back to you. My question to you is, are you okay with this arrangement?

    It works for some people in that after dating for a while he realizes what he had with you is better than what is out there. It doesn’t work for others, after a while the chemistry fades or he meets someone else and wants to pursue that relationship instead. What’s most important is NOT what he wants but what YOU want and can live with.

  24. hopeful says:

    I need advice… Me and my ex dated for a good 7 months ( the longest he ever dated) he is into fmaily lfie and getting his career started to then start a family. We were good and 2 months into the relationship i cheated ( biggest regret) and he forgave me. I was sog rateful and we continued to date and we were happy. We met both sides of the family and everything. Then one day he said he thought we need a break because he thought we were fighitng alot. i kindia overreacted when he broke up with me. Then i apolgized but he got into a rebound relationship. i told him my feelings for him and told him i want to work it out. He however is in a rebound relationship and told me i need to give him space. I am planning on giving him space and just occassionally emailing to say hope all is well. Do you think there is anything else i can do, that would increase my likelihood of him giving me a second chance?
    Thank You

  25. YES, there are many things (just one thing never works) that will increase the likelihood of him giving you a second chance.

    I have MANY articles on my blog and website on MANY of the things you can do depending on your particular situation. You might also want to grab my eBook on how to get your ex back by DATING him again.

  26. Ogle says:

    Hi Yangki,

    I’m reading your e-book for the third time (printed form much better and so much more to discern). I like your insights and advice. Two questions:

    (1) You say having a plan/strategy in getting back an Ex is critical. But you don’t show in your book what this plan or strategy looks like or how to develop one. Could you enlighten us, please?

    (2) How do I reach you directly by email?

    Thanks.

  27. As a matter of fact I DO show in my book what this plan or strategy looks like and have already developed one for you.

    Dating Your Ex eBook is THE plan/strategy – a step by step GUIDE through all the 28 stages of the process – from deciding whether to get back your ex, initiating contact, what to look for, how to react, what to say, what to do, how to deal with a hostile ex, friendship zone, pull and push stage, restoring trust, re-igniting passion, overcoming obstacles you may encounter through to getting to a committed relationship. Thousands of people who have followed the ebook through all the stages have written to me over the years saying just following the plan/strategy helped them get their ex back.

    As I explained to you in several of your other comments/questions, if you need additional help because you’re situation is unique (I could not cover all the different scenarios and hundreds of relationship specific situations in one book), I’m happy to work with you in telephone coaching to develop a relationship specific plan/strategy unique to your situation and to your ex. For help developing a relationship specific plan/strategy you can reach me by clicking on the coaching page. Otherwise you can reach me through the form in the contact page.

    PS; I can call anywhere in the world and work with clients in all continents, so you being in Australia is not a problem.

  28. limuzyna do ?lubu says:

    That is nice to definitely find a site where the blogger knows what they are talking about.

  29. Fiona says:

    This is really good. I can certainly see a lot of work ahead of me but after reading this I somehow feel confident that I can make it. Thank you.

  30. Lily says:

    All these are great advice. My ex boyfriend of 4 years told me that he isn’t in love with me anymore, and only has feelings of friends toward us. I see that its a deal breaker, but I’m hoping I might be able to change his mind.

  31. @Lily: You’ll find a lot of advice here that address situations very similar to yours. All the best!

  32. @Fiona: Glad I could be of some help…:-)

  33. Mitch says:

    My wife of 10 years has separated from me, taking with her our beautiful daughter. I have always been a devoted father and husband and am having difficulty coming to terms with thr injustice of our break up. Our daughter is very sad and misses me greatly. I want to have my family back but am not sure of the approach i should take or how long i should wait.
    Kind regards,
    Mitch

  34. “The approach to take” and “how long to wait” are the most discussed topics on the blog. There are more Q&As posts on those two topics than any other topic.

    I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.

  35. Ed says:

    Yangki, I put in the effort and followed your eBook to the letter and i am happy to report shes back! You did a great job “deciphering” it and giving me a ton of practical things to do. I owe you.

  36. Edvige says:

    Yangki, please help me understand my ex’s change of heart. We were together for 3 years, had some problems and broke up a couple of times but always got back together. This last time we both agreed that longer time apart would be better for the relationship. We remained in contact for 4 months but it was too painful for me to be in contact, so I asked for no contact. My ex didn’t want it and said the break-up was a mistake, we should try to work things out. After many back and forth texts he agreed to no contact. I took the time to work on myself and my issues. Now after almost 13 months apart, he tells me he does not want to give the relationship another try, that the breakup was actually the right thing for both of us. My question is 1) isn’t absence supposed to make the heart fonder? and 2) why the change of heart?

  37. It’s true that sometimes absence makes the heart fonder — for some people. But it’s also true that the longer people are broken up the more likely that one or both will convince themselves that breaking up was the right thing to do.

    It’s just one of those things… after the break-up, most people work hard at a new life without their ex. At some point, that new life becomes the new “normal”, and for some people it is better than the life they had with their ex. So even if at the time of the break-up one thought it should not have happened, time and new experiences can quickly change that.

  38. Lil L says:

    My ex of more than 5 years texted me and wants to see me. We have been broken up for more than 2 years, and had minimal contact over the years. We both have been dating other people but my relationship ended 3 months ago. I’m not sure whether seeing him is a good thing or not. I still have feelings for him, I don’t know if he has feelings for me or even if he is still with his girlfriend. Any advice would really help. Thank you.

  39. If he is a good guy when you dated (not abusive etc) and you still have feelings for him and feel strong enough (emotionally) to meet him, then meet him and see what it’s all about. If he shows interest but is still with his girlfriend, remind him of that fact… but leave the door open for when he is single again.

  40. Seaney says:

    She kissed me was crying and said she cares for me very much and is going to miss me but she just needs a bit of space and time to think things through. I asked her if I can contact her once in a while to see how she’s doing and she said “I’d love that”. Everyone is telling me to cut off all contact since she has chosen not to be with me. And because she said she’ll miss me, it’ll make her miss me even more. Or do you think I should maintain contact? Please advice.

  41. I don’t advice on no contact. She’ll miss you alright but it’ll also send the message that you are only there for her when you have something to gain. Keeping in contact on the other hand, especially when she said “I’d love that” confirms to her that you’ll be there for her even she’s confused — and will not bail out on her just because she’s going through a phase.

    One thing though, keep the contact to just “see how she’s doing” and not trying to get her back. This will increase your chances when she’s done thinking things through!

  42. Seaney says:

    What if she comes back after thinking through and says she does not want to be with me anymore?

  43. That’s possible. However, cutting off all contact is not going to change what her final decision will be. All you have control over is how you react to her decision to take space and time to think things through.

    It all comes down to how you act when things aren’t going your way…

  44. Seaney says:

    In the past I reacted by getting angry and defiant, texting her insistently and threatening her which is why she needs space and time. I just think that not contacting her will show her I’ve changed.

  45. Same thing. Only difference is that before you were directly angry and defiant, with no contact you are passively defiant.

    If you read my posts, I’m all for people choosing their path. Some things we learn the hard way. So, if you want to do no contact, that’s entirely up to you. But don’t say, no body warned you! I DID… (:

  46. Austin says:

    It’s been 5 weeks on NC for me and I know I should be doing this for me but I’m wondering if she even realizes I’ve not contacted her. She told me she didn’t want anything to do with me and lately has started dating again. Will me not being around really make a difference?

  47. Most likely not. She told you she didn’t want anything to do with you and is dating again… that sounds to me like someone who wants to move on without you.

    I’ve said here on my blog several times, by the time you feel that “no contact” is your only option, chances are that the relationship is damaged beyond repair. People using no contact to get their ex back are mostly in denial or having a hard time accepting that their ex doesn’t want them anymore. They really have nothing to lose doing N/C.

    Emotionally smart people don’t do “no contact” when they have a lot to lose.

  48. Jess says:

    Nothing drives a person more crazy than complete indifference. Unless of course the person who has broken up with you doesn’t give a tiny little crap about you and in that case, you are refusing to face reality.

  49. BRanff says:

    After 5 weeks of no contact I realized I wasn’t over my ex and contacted him. He replied 3 days later saying he thought it was strange that I decided to talk to him again, he emailed me once in no contact but I didn’t respond. To cut the long story short, we started communicating again. Wk 1 – texting 2 – 5 times a day and 3 phone calls. Wk 2 – texting but mostly me initiating contact and him taking forever to reply. Wk 3 – still me initiating all contact but he’s not responding. I called it went straight to voicemail so I called from another phone and he answered but said he is really busy with work. I’m at a lose as to what to do. I don’t want to confront him because that’s what I did in the past and he broke up with me because I was controlling and needy. What should I do? I really love him very much. Thanks in advance if you would answer.

  50. @Jess: You have a point about indifference. It “may” drive your ex crazy and may be even turn up the heat to make your ex want to keep you around/toy with you a little. But in the end, that’s all there is to it — just a mind game.

    It doesn’t however stop people from refusing to accept reality.

  51. @Branff: This is one of the qualms I have with “No Contact”. When you just disappear, it not only sends the wrong message to your ex, it also can plant a seed of wanting revenge. It’s a common human relation-dysfunction trait to want take back the “power” we think has shifted to the other person. I don’t know if that’s what he is doing, I’m just going by what happens most of the time in these kind of situations.

    When you get to a point where contacting someone makes you come across more as a nuisance rather than a delight, it’s may be time to let it go. In the next relationship, think twice before you cut off all contact with someone you still love.

  52. BRanff says:

    Are you saying I can’t get him back at all, may be some time in the future? He said he missed me and stuff. Is there something I can do to get him back?

  53. I don’t know if you can or can’t get him back. I’m not privy to what the future holds or what your capabilities are. What I’m saying is that right now, in terms of what to DO to get him back, there’s nothing you can DO (emphasis on “do”).

  54. Brandff says:

    He always had trouble trusting me and no contact made him not trust me even more. But what if I try talking to him in person? I always had an effect on him when we are in each other’s presence.

  55. You could try that… but if he’s hardly responding to your texts and the answering machine is taking your calls, how — short of tricking him like you did with the phone call — are you going to get him to meet you in person? And even if you managed to trick him into meeting you, what’s that meeting going to be like?

    I know you really want this badly, and I feel for you. It’s hard going through what you are going through, but pushing it as hard as you are doing makes things worse. You need to learn to let things go sometimes. Letting go is not the same as giving up. Letting go is the decision to stop pushing too hard, struggling against resistance and generating frustration and suffering. You’ll find that you have better insight and make better decisions when you let go than when you are constanty pushing hard.

  56. Baaba says:

    Yangki, taking the high road when a relationship ends is not easy. Cutting off all contact would have been easier for me but after considering how it might affect any kind of relationship I might have with my ex in the future, I decided I’d simply be the bigger person. At first he would not respond to my texts and emails but I remained courteous. he started to come around, in initiating contact more. He was the first to ask if we can hang out and reached to touch my hand. I don’t know where this is going but I know things would have been very different if I had chosen the no contact route.

    I think that people should not use no contact in a blanket way, they should consider their ex’s personality and the kind of relationship they had.

  57. You are right. Contrary to what most people say, “No Contact” is the easier way. Keeping contact with someone who has rejected you for whatever reason doesn’t come naturally — and doing it effectively is even harder because of all the emotions one has to navigate.

    Whatever it is that you are doing, it is working! Don’t begin over thinking it because panic will set in and cause you to react instead of act consciously.

    If it means anything… all the very best!!!

  58. Hope22 says:

    Yangki, I am so happy that I stumbled across your e-book!! I have been broken up with my bf for a month. Initially, I was the one who broke up with him. A week later when I realized I had made a BIG mistake and tried to get back together with him, he would not take me back. During this one month, we have gone from him being terribly angry with me, to shutting me out, to now being able to open up about how he really feels about our breakup, and we have gotten to the bottom of why he is reluctant to get back together. But I have to thank you because although I knew instinctively that going NC was not the right approach to this, I might have done a few other dumb things to really screw it up, but after reading and re-reading your e-book, I acted out of love and compassion. We still aren’t back together, but he has opened up and finally turned his “HELL NO” to a “NO” to an “I need some time to figure things out.” Which I am more than happy to give to him. I followed and continue to follow your strategies and plain sound advice and little by little postitive things are unfolding right before my eyes. What’s even better is that I am amazed at my own confident and understanding position–I am putting his feelings first for the moment and not being guided by the all dreaded FEAR.

    Thanks so much for guiding me!!

    I will keep you posted!

  59. “I need some time to figure things out” is degrees from “Hell No!”

    Yeah-yah, my eBook and advice is amazing *brag, brag*…(: I’m tempted to take all the credit but what and who is really amazing is YOU! One can have the best advice in the world but still make no progress. The eBook is just a road map but YOU, the driver makes it happen.

    Give him all the time he needs… but use that time to work on you/take care of yourself. You can both work on you and grow the relationship at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You learn more about you and about relationships by being in a relationship. The “retreat to the desert” approach to working on yourself or learning about relationships is just that…theory yet to be tested!

    Continue with the “effective contact” strategy and don’t allow yourself to be put in a “just friends” box. Keep pushing against the boundaries of what he might or may have already defined as “friends”. Look at it as just space for you to try to change things. As long as the boundaries remain “vague” and flexible, anything is possible. You CAN do this!!!

  60. JeyAr says:

    Yangki, what is your advice on having regular sex with your ex? Does it hurt your chances of getting your ex back?

  61. I personally don’t have any hang-ups or rules about adults and their sex lives. But from years of helping exes get back together, regular sex with your ex is not something I’d advice in the very initial states of the process. There is the risk of things quickly escalating into “friends with benefits” situation.

    Build up a level of understanding, safety and trust first. If sex was good before the break-up, it’s still going to be good…

  62. Anne says:

    This is very helpful. My situation is long distance relationship. We broke up because of distance and others issues. We still love each other and trying to make it work but distance is still a huge problem. He can’t move because he’ll lose custody of his children and I can’t move because I take care of my parents both aged and terminally ill.

    You have helped me see things in a different light. Before I started reading your blog, I felt my situation was hopeless but your words have been uplifting and comforting. I don’t know why but I feel like there is hope for us even right now we are struggling. Thank you.

  63. Ryan says:

    Hi Yangki, I love your site. I was just wondering, does your advice also apply in case of teenagers and young adults still in school? I have questions about my ex, we’re both students but I don’t know if this site caters to that demography.

  64. I’m glad you asked. I’m hoping that the advice works for the demography you describe too. The reality is, my target audience is older. I mostly work with men and women 27 – 60 years of age, and for that reason I’m more familiar with the kind of relationship issues that they deal with.

    There are some major differences in the kind of relationship issues teenagers and young adults face. I don’t think I’m the best person to give advice to teenagers and young adults still in school. I’m humble enough not to pretend to know…

  65. Renee says:

    I love this post! It’s been 5 weeks. He said since we’re working on things, seeing someone else would be like cheating. We’re together several times a week and he always gives a kiss goodnight. It’s funny that being on the cusp of being together has been the most strenuous. As I reflect on your indicators I am calmer and see I’m in a good place. I wish he would get off the fence and be back for good.

  66. Brody says:

    The woman of my dreams and I broke up 4 months ago over my emotional state from an ugly, long-term custody battle with my ex wife. We were together for 8 months and both agreed it was the best relationship we’ve ever had. She contacted me last week and we talked all week and got together on the weekend. I told her how much i loved her and wanted her back. She said she needs two weeks to think about it. Is this normal?

  67. Yes. But you are not going to get her back by telling her how much you love her and want her back. She already knows that. Besides, that’s not the reason you broke up. You need to show her the reason you broke up no longer exists. Not just tell her, SHOW her. If you don’t know how, spend sometime on this blog. It has all you need to know on showing someone that things can be different.

  68. Nikki says:

    Its been about 3 weeks that i broke up with my boyfriend. He has a new gf. He still talks to me but it is starting to be less and less. He promises me how he’s coming back to me he just needs to do some things.. Our break up was mutual. about a week ago he still called me his queen. Im not sure what to think or do. Should i move on or not talk to him?.. we were together for a little bit more than a year. I feel like he just forgot everything we went through.. is there anyway to get him back?

  69. Should you move on or not talk to him?

    That’s up to you. I don’t make decisions for others that they should be making for themselves. I don’t think that is empowering anyone.

    Is there anyway to get your ex back?

    1) Yes and no, depending on your circumstances. Please read the list in the article.

    2) There is no one guaranteed way to get your ex back, but there are things you can do to increase your chances of getting him back. Many of them are what this site is about. My eBook, Dating Your Ex is also about making sure you’re not only just avoiding making mistakes but inspiring your ex to want to come back.

  70. Jay says:

    Yangki, I’ve bought quite many systems and nothing so far has worked. She is still angry about past events. I was wondering if your system works if you initially was in no contact for 6 weeks but she was against it, wanted to work things out, and when you contacted her she was angry that you refused to work things out. Now she’s the one that doesn’t want to work on the relationship. Would your system work in this situation?

  71. I’ll start by saying, Dating Your Ex eBook is NOT a “system” or “program”. Dating Your Ex is LESSONS FOR LOVE and SECOND CHANCES. If what you’re looking for is a “system” or “program”, this is NOT the eBook for you. That’s the honest truth.

    As mentioned on the website, this eBook is for men and women who are not just looking to “get their ex back”, but want a relationship that is 1) better than what they had and 2) will last beyond mere contact, dates and sex for a few weeks or months.

    To answer your question, YES. It works best if you maintained contact with your ex simply because you will not be starting from zero (contact). Because there is already some kind of connection or flow of communication, things tend to move much more smoothly and faster.

    But because some people initially cut off all contact (for all kind of reasons), I cover in the eBook how to initiate that first contact. What scenarios are likely e.g. ex doesn’t respond, responds with anger or says there is someone else.

    Hopefully that answers your question.

  72. Sarah says:

    Yangki, I love my ex and want him back so bad. I pray everyday that he comes back to me and keep a positive attitude about it. I really believe that love conquers all and have seen people who have been apart for a long time get back together. I have read The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale and Everyday Positive Thinking by Louise Hay. Can you recommend other similar books. I appreciate any advice you can give. Thank you in advance.

  73. Unfortunately, I can’t recommend any “positive thinking” books because I don’t read them. “The glass is half-full” philosophy of most “positive thinking” books and advice doesn’t work for me. I’m more of a realist. I see the glass as BOTH half-full AND half-empty — and directly deal with the reality of the “half-empty” part of the glass.

    Wanting your ex back and being able to get back your ex are two completely different things. You can want your ex back but if the relationship is damaged beyond repair, no amount of “wanting” will bring back your ex. Also you can want your ex back but not be able to get him or her back if all you are offering him or her is the very same relationship he or she rejected.

    If there is still something left to salvage, then (in addition to prayer and a positive attitude) show your ex that it is possible for things to be different and better. Your ex needs to feel there has been a profound shift in your thinking and behaviour for him to envision a new improved relationship.

  74. LINK3SYS says:

    When I was younger every breakup ended with cutting off all contact and never talking to that person again. As I matured, I got better at handling breakups. My last two breakup were actually amicable. My ex before this one still sends me birthday cards and vice versa. My most recent break-up happened two months ago and she and I still text and talk regularly. Most recently we’ve started talking about getting back together but we’re both not ready. I think it’ll happen eventually.

  75. Confused&broken says:

    My fiance broke things off a month ago after 7 years. We were having more arguments leading up. He said he met someone 5 days before he ended it with me. He calls me & texts me daily. He said hes not sure why or what will happen. Meanwhile Im an emotional wreck. Doing & saying all the wrong things. we are in our early 50’s. I dont know what to do. I cant get over him.

  76. Daniel says:

    I strongly believe that anyone not interested in mind games and manipulation and anyone looking to build a healthy relationship, should be reading this site.

    You are the only person whose advice I have read and feel truly cares about the people you are helping. Most so called relationship gurus and authors of get your ex back books are only interested in power and making themselves look all knowing and important. I’m especially talking about those advocating “no contact” and demand that one strictly adheres to their rules and program or else they will suffer dire consequences. They remind me of my control-freak dad.

    I like that you explain what can happen and let someone decide if they want to take your advice or not. You are a true teacher.

  77. Thank you for your very kind words. It’s a flattering description of my work… I’ll try not to disappoint… but if I do, cut me some slack… I’m only human after all…(:

  78. Daniel says:

    I don’t think you’ll ever disappoint me :)

  79. Easy there, sweetness… I’m kinda shy…);

  80. Meg says:

    I was with my ex for almost 10 months when he told me he didn’t know if he loved me or not.. that led to us breaking up. We were sort of on and off after that for a little while before I called it quits. I was hurt and wanted some space. Two months later, he told me he’s trying to change and that he thinks he does love me.. should I give him a second chance?

  81. Dalilah says:

    Making positive changes is not easy but this site gave me the strength to stay focused. At first he wanted to be just friends but now saying that there is enough love still left for the 2 of us to build something for the future on. I think that it’s great that he sees possibility for a future but I don’t want to hope too much. Should I take this as a positive sign?

  82. Yes, it is a positive sign…(:

    My advice is keep the focus on “building a future together” than just “getting him back”. There is a difference between those two!

  83. Katherine says:

    You’re absolutely correct about not relying on others to tell you whether to get back with an ex or not. I’ve been considering reconciliation with my ex despite everyone telling me to move on. He and I talk and he is a changed person from two years ago. He’s completely turned his life around. I have done the same and we both feel that we can make the relationship work.

  84. Other people’s advice is for consultation purpose only. The final decision should be completely personal because when all is said and done, you are the one who ends up living with the consequences of the decision you make.

  85. Carolee says:

    Yangki, I want register for you break-up recovery course but not sure if I can work on healing and recovery and at the same time try to get my ex back. Our break-up was amicable and we’ve maintained reasonable contact. I don’t want to use no contact while I work on myself, it may be too late and he has already moved on.

  86. If you don’t want to use “no contact”, then listen and trust your gut instinct.

    This is what makes our break-up recovery program unique and different. Most people will tell you that you need at least 3 months of “no contact” to work on yourself before you can re-introduce yourself to your ex.

    I’ve worked with hundreds of men and women over the years and have proof that you can do both. In fact, you’ll be in a much better position to get your ex back because you will be able to calmly pursue your goal through delays and setbacks, and show your ex that you are still in love with him or her, but are okay and will be okay even without him/her!

    What I’m saying is that, you can take the break-up recovery program while at the same time maintaining contact with your ex, and building trust, sense of fun and interest.

    You may need Dating Your Ex eBook to learn how to maintain pressure-free contact while you work on yourself.

  87. dolphin333 says:

    Thank you for writing this article! I think part of the problem with positive thinking advice is that it is focused on trying to force thoughts rather than finding acceptance in where you are at the moment. I call myself a “realist”, I accept things that I can’t change and live for what I can do and change. I don’t dwell on “what if” and just live with “what it is”. It works!

  88. Heather B says:

    I initiated contact after 2 months of no communication between us. We started texting again and yesterday was the first time we spoke on phone. He said he was sorry for what happened and he still loved me but trying to get his life together. I told him I’d like to stay in contact and he said he’d love that too. I still love him. I want him in my life. But I’m so confused. What if I’m setting myself up for another heartbreak? What if months from now he is still trying to get his life together? What if he meets someone else?

  89. Too many “what ifs”… the curse of the over analytical brain…(:

    It’s possible that all those things will happen, but it is also possible that he could very well come back tomorrow or the next day. You can’t know anything for sure.

    If you feel you have healed well enough to keep in contact, then do so. The important thing is not to have any expectations or put a timeline on when it has to happen. Learn to move with the flow of things as they are now and let the future take care of the rest. If that means that you date other people and explore other possibilities, so be it. It’s not like you are cheating or something.

    Don’t let “what ifs”… scare you from something that could well prove to be the best move you ever made.

  90. Abby&Dan says:

    It was the most difficult ending of a relationship in my life. Almost everything I trusted in and believed in was abruptly taken away. I hit rock bottom and almost lost myself. It took me the better part of a year to get to a place where I’m once again happy with myself and my life. I spent a lot of time here before picking up the courage to contact my ex. He seemed surprised and happy to hear from me. We took things slowly and a few days ago decided we want to try a relationship again. You’re articles and comments really helped a lot and I just wanted to say thank you. This would not have been possible without your advice.

  91. Ashley says:

    Yangki, your articles and book have made a lot of things better. I’m connecting with my ex in ways that we were never able to in the 2 years we were together. I’m also a lot more kinder and more empathetic person. But I still feel I’m constantly under the pressure to do something that will make him more attracted to me. I’m reading books and have recently started practicing mindfulness meditation to help me stay present. Is it normal to be so consumed with trying to get your ex back so much that you feel you no longer have a life?

  92. I don’t know about “normal”, but what I do know is that trying to get your ex back is such a monumental undertaking that it’s easy to let it consume all the other aspects of your life if you’re not careful. Most people I work with feel that the reason they are not already back together with their ex is because they are not trying harder.

    True, sometimes, not trying harder can be the case, but in most cases, you just can’t control the process of getting back together. You are dealing with another human being with his/her own agenda and schedule that you have no control over.

    That’s why it is important to take a break from thinking about “what to do to get him/her back” every now and then. It helps to have some hobbies and interests during this time.

  93. Ty says:

    This article is great and has opened my eyes to a lot of things. For me the key thing is being aware of my role in the breakup and not making the same mistakes.

  94. I think you are on the right track. Good insight into what and why things fell apart is very important. But trying not to make the same mistakes is just one part of the equation. The most important part is showing your ex that you bring something better to the relationship; something that will build and create a better partnership.

    At the end of the day, that’s what makes that difference between “I don’t think this will work” and “May be this relationship has a chance”.

  95. Lucy says:

    I’m so glad I found this site. Almost all sites about exes are negative and one-sided against getting your ex back. My ex and I broke up amicably. For 3 months we each dated other people but realized that what we had was truly special. One day he called me and asked me out and we talked for over 8 hours. We are giving each other another chance because we really love and care about each other.

    Things can work out but you have to come at it like the adults that you thought you were the first time. You have to be honest and actually make an effort to communicate this time round.

  96. Lucy, thank you for sharing your positive story. I’m happy things are working out for you…(:

    I hope others take your advice on being honest and actually making an effort to communicate. In a conflict situation, choosing honesty and cooperation might seem like a losing position, but it isn’t. Genuine intent and action to make it work does pay off.

  97. Marcella says:

    It’s SO true about all the sites with negative comments telling others to move on and forget about their ex. I always jump in and tell them, if you want to try to get your ex back, do it. I was told it would never work between my ex and I, but it did. We have been back together for a little over a year and we’re happier than ever.

  98. Kel says:

    My ex and I are on friendly terms. We text, call each other and occasionally flirt with each other. Things are a lot more relaxed now that we have taken out all expectations of each other out of the equation. I’m worried though that this will end up just a friendship and nothing more. I do want him back and just don’t know what else to do. Does your eBook have advice on what to do in such a situation?

  99. 1. Pg. 215 “Starting As Friends”.

    2. There is a strong possibility that you could end up just friends, that’s why it’s important that you don’t just go along with whatever he wants because you don’t want to rock the boat/drive him away. You have to skillfully negotiate your wants and needs as well. I recommend reading “When You Want Different Things” (Pg. 180) and even far back.

    3. But more importantly, don’t let worry take your focus off what is important, and that is, a better relationship this time round.

  100. Kel says:

    Thanks for the reply. I will read and put the advice into action. God Bless.

  101. Odette says:

    Yangki, you are completely right, nothing will ever change until I change. My ex will never wake up one day and decide I am the most wonderful woman he has ever met. He has taken this relationship for a test-drive and decided he will not seal the deal until some things are fixed – and that’s what I’m working on.

  102. Lisa H. says:

    Yangki, I agree with you that it can really work with an ex again if two people work at their relationship. But it takes two to want to be in a relationship and not just one partner.

  103. You are right in that both people have to want to work on the relationship. But sometimes, it might be that one person has doubts or has lost hope that the relationship can work. The person who still believes that the relationship can work can try to INSPIRE or help the one who has lost hope see that there is still hope. This usually requires making some personal changes and taking certain actions that paint a better vision for the future of the relationship.

  104. Antoine says:

    I’m a little confused, in one of your comments you said that someone can lose interest in the relationship but still feel love towards an ex? How often does that happen?

  105. Too often, I’m afraid. On a daily basis, I work with men and women still very much in love with their ex but being together in a relationship just isn’t working. Some are confused when I say, stop questioning if your ex ever loved you or still loves you. It’s so obvious he/she is still in love with you. He/she just doesn’t think the relationship is what he/she wants, meets his/her needs or makes him/her happy. They have this belief that if someone loves you, they should want to be with you. It’s not the case.

    Love is a thing of the heart, and some say of the soul. It’s not something you CHOOSE. It’s something that happens to you. You meet a man or woman — and you FEEL something. Over time you find out that it is love you’re feeling

    A relationship on the other hand, is a practical and rational decision you make. You CHOOSE who you want to be in a relationship with based on a number of things.

    You can be so in love with someone (and can’t help it) but CHOOSE not to be in a relationship with that person because the two of you have conflicting beliefs, goals, interests, you fight all the time, he/she cheated on you, you live in different countries etc.

    Similarly, you can CHOOSE to be in a relationship with someone you don’t even love.

  106. Daniel R says:

    My ex said when we broke up “I don’t want the responsibility of being someone’s sole source of emotional support and social life”. She always complained that I was needy and suffocating her. I wanted to give her the space she needed and so I didn’t contact her for 4 weeks. In that time I’ve seen a therapist whom I’m still seeing, I also go the gym 3 times a week and reconnected with some old friends. I bought your Dating Your Ex eBook and over the course of the last 2 weeks I’ve sent her emails telling her about the changes I’ve made. Her first response was “I’m happy for you” The second one was more aloof, “You deserve to be happy”. I’m running out of things to tell her. Please help.

  107. This is exactly what I warn about in the eBook. “Selling” the changes to her instead of making it part of normal conversation.

    Selling comes across as “Look, I’ve changed. Now take me back”. The response you get is similar to what you are getting from her.

    When you are “selling change”, you also run the risk of running out of things to say because you can only make so much change at a time.

    Communicating the changes you have made as part of normal conversation is something like:

    You: “What’s up?”

    Her: “Just got back from work. What are you up to?”

    You: “Getting ready to go to the gym. I have to maintain these rock-solid abs” (or some other joke about going to the gym).

    Her: I didn’t know you cared that much about how you look.

    You: I do now. It’s all part of the new me. Takes work though (smiley).

    Her: I’ll let you go then.

    You: It’s a 2 hour work-out. I’ll call you when I’m done, and if you are not too busy, may be we can…. (chat, hang out etc).

    You told her you are in better shape than the last time she knew you. You showed her you can contact her without being needy and clingy. You also told her you’ll be in touch — and told her when to expect your call (communicating “reliability” as discussed in the eBook).

  108. Daniel R says:

    Thank you so much. I think I get it now. I’ll keep you updated.

  109. Please do not use my words, word by word. The above is just to give you the overall idea of how to communicate the changes you are making without coming across as you are “selling change”. Make it more real, naturally you and let it just happen without stressing over how you are going to do it. if you don’t do it right the first time, don’t sweat it, there will be another time.

  110. Emmet says:

    I still love my ex and you could say I’m still not completely over her. But do I want her back? Absolutely NOT. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with her again. I’d gladly be the one to give her hand in marriage to someone else, and honestly wish them well.

  111. Thank you for providing evidence…(:

  112. Nalene says:

    Yangki, do I have to buy your eBook in order to sign up for coaching with you?

  113. No. But It helps a lot if you already have the eBook.

    1) Most of the questions people ask me are already covered in the eBook. If you have the eBook, you can use the session to focus on other things, and get a lot more out of our phone chat.

    2) Although reading many of my blog articles gives you a better idea of my philosophy and approach, the eBook ties in everything. You come to the session much more prepared and we actually achieve a lot more because we are of the same mind on how to move forward and what needs to be done in your particular situation.

  114. LadyDiva says:

    My ex and I have sort of gotten back together but nothing has changed. All the reasons why we broke are still there. It’s making me depressed. I still feel like there can be something between us, but I don’t know how to make it work. All the changes I made over the last 2 months seem to be a waste of time. He also started dating a woman he says he has no feelings for but he still texts her. This was one of our reasons for breaking up.

  115. First of all, any positive change made in your life is never a waste of time. Secondly, changing alone is NOT going to make a relationship work. There is a lot more that goes into making things work.

    How you approach getting back together makes a LOT of difference. If it’s just, “well, we still have feelings for each other… let’s do it”, it’s not going to work. You have to BUILD a relationship, not throw one together.

    The fact that you say “sort of gotten back” says, you did not BUILD a relationship, you just got back into one. It takes time to test the changes you’ve both made to see if there is a fit and to re-adjust in some places to make it fit. That’s the approach you should be taking.

  116. Soulgate says:

    I still have rather strong feelings for my ex and would love to get back with him if the opportunity ever arises. One of the biggest problems is that we live in different countries. He says he will make time to come and see me in September. I’ve been putting work on changing myself which he has commented on. But I don’t know how to go about telling him I want him back. I don’t want to scare him away.

  117. Why don’t you continue with whatever it is you are doing because it seems to be working, wait until September when he comes to visit, see how things go and make your move from there.

    Worrying too much about the far future creates anxiety and may cause you to do something that might actually scare him away — before you have have the chance to show him all the work you’ve put into changing for the better.

  118. 3FMan says:

    I came upon this site looking for breaking up and getting back together statistics. It seems to me that there are many factors that determine whether one can her his ex back, including the right steps being taken. Anyone have actual statistics on success rate?

  119. Toby says:

    Getting back together with the ex is a terrible idea. My brother remarried his ex, it didn’t work out. Recently a very close friend of mine also got back with his ex and that didn’t work out either.

  120. You’re absolutely right. It doesn’t always work out. BUT who is to say that if your brother had married someone new, it still wouldn’t have ended with a divorce; or that your friend would have stayed with someone new longer than he stayed with his ex?

    Sometimes things don’t work out because it’s your ex, they just don’t work out, period. C’est la vie.

  121. Jean-etta says:

    Yangki, I also believe that sometimes a relationship does not work out for any reason at all. My ex and I were together for 4 years. We never had a single fight, spent a lot of time together and we were genuinely happy. Then one day he drops in on me says he wants out. I asked him why and he said he didn’t know, only that he didn’t want to continue with the relationship. To this day, I have no idea why the relationship ended, and he said he doesn’t know either. I’m still heartbroken, but I have accepted my fate and trying to move on.

  122. Donna says:

    Yangki, my ex broke up with me over six months ago because he said I was needy and clingy. I worked hard to fill my life with things I love and I’m very busy most of the time. We started chatting again a month and half ago and things were great in the beginning, but for the last couple of weeks he’s been telling me he feels “pressure” from me. Here’s what is funny. I barely contact him, twice or three times a week, may be. He says he loves me and wants a future with me, but he can’t because he feels that he can’t make me happy. What can I do to not to make him feel pressured? We’re both 39.

  123. Adhee says:

    Yangki, does it matter how long after the breakup you try to get your ex back. I’m not doing no contact, we contact each other 1- 2 times a week and it’s very cordial and sometimes flirtatious. My concern is that since she says she wants a better relationship and I am trying to better myself so my ex can see me in a different light, that if too much time passes it may be hard to get her back. She is seeing other people but says she’s not in a relationship, but sometimes I wonder if may be by the time I’m ready she’ll have moved on with someone else.

  124. Excellent question. I had to create a separate post for it. Please read my response: Is It Too Late To Try To Get Your Ex Back?

  125. Blaze says:

    Yangki, based on these 10 signs, I seem to definitely have a good chance getting my ex back. I bought the 1st edition of your Dating Ex book and wondering if the 2nd edition has more on not being needy and clingy. I definitely put a lot of pressure on her in the relationship and she let me go. We maintained contact after the breakup and she’s said on several occasions that still she loves me but I need to give a her a little more breathing space. That’s when I bought your book and it helped tremendously. Things have been getting better but once in a while she says I’m suffocating her again. I know I need to learn to be less needy and wondering if it’s worth buying the 2nd edition of you book?

  126. I’m very happy for you, and glad that somehow I was of some help.

    I can’t decide for you whether to invest in the 2nd edition or not. But I can tell you what’s in the 2nd edition, and you decide whether it’s worth investing in, or not.

    1. Neediness and clinginess is a theme that runs throughout the book, from contact to being a couple again.

    2. There is a specific section dealing exclusively with “Needy Contact” (pages 137 – 143).

    3. On page 141, I list signs which show that you have crossed over to acting needy and clingy. Knowing when you are about to cross over to acting needy and clingy helps you stay on the not needy or not forced contact side.

    As discussed in the book, most of the time, neediness or “pressure” comes not from you contacting your ex, but why and when you contact your ex. If you stick to the “why contact” and “when to make contact” discussed in the book, you will pretty much stay on the not pressure side.

    For the stage at which you are in, you might also want to check out pages 323-347 for the 7 signs that tell you are making progress, and what more you can do to move things along faster.

  127. Francesca says:

    Yangki, can you elaborate a little on the differences between accessibility, availability and engagement. How can I be accessible but not too available, and how do I get my ex engaged? Is this something covered in your new book?

  128. Ali says:

    Could you please bring back email support?

  129. Accessibility is the sense that when your ex needs you (or you need your ex) you can be reached by phone, email, text etc.

    Not too available means that you can be reached, but that doesn’t mean you are there to serve your ex’s every wish or need, or even have to respond to his/her every text, email or call.

    You can be accessible but not too available by choosing when to act or respond, and by responding in ways that are appropriate to the situation, and create a strong connection.

    Engaged means emotionally present or connected. There are several things that you do to get your ex emotionally engaged, including, 1) making yourself accessible, 2) making it easy for him/her to talk to you, 3) creating an emotionally safe environment for him/her to open up to you, 4) asking the right questions and demonstrating a desire to be involved on a deeper level 5) not trying to push or rush your ex to make a decision, 6) making the small moments of connection count/creating a unique sense of history, 7) creating a sense of compatibility (or wanting the same things in life), etc.

    Yes, accessibility, availability and engagement are all covered at detail in my new Dating Your Ex book.

  130. @Ali…I still offer email support in addition to phone coaching. I just don’t do it all by itself because it takes too much time to accomplish so little. To be of better help I need as much background information as possible, and by email that sometimes means 4 – 10 pages. I’d have to spend all my day just reading and responding to emails.

  131. Barrie says:

    What about in a situation where the other person says they don’t feel that connection anymore?

  132. It depends on what they mean by “connection”.

    If by connection they mean they do not “love” you anymore, there is nothing you can do to make someone who does not love you love you. It’s just one of those things in life.

    If they mean they do not “feel in love” with you, that is something else. Feelings are just that… feelings. They can be strong. They can be weak. They can die out. And they can be brought back.

    It’s up to you to 1) dig deep into why he/she does not “feel in love” anymore, 2) do what you can do bring those feelings back, and 3) make those feelings even stronger than before.

  133. Jordan says:

    Yangki, I find myself many times coming back to your blog again and again. In fact your blog is one of the few I come back to because your advice makes more sense and because the topics covered obviously make it worthwhile coming back for more. Unlike many other blogs there are no off-putting comments. Every comment adds a decent amount of value. I thank you for your efforts keeping things very organized. It reflects the value you place on those who seek your advice.

  134. Lucian says:

    When can we have that talk with the ex about where it’s going? After how many dates or months?

  135. In my article “Is It Too Soon To Ask Your Ex To Get Back Together?” I wrote:

    “The right time to talk about the future of the relationship is not determined by the number of dates/months. It’s determined by the groundwork you’ve laid for that kind of conversation to take place –and for the outcome to be a positive one.

    Too soon, when you haven’t done all the things you need to do to show him/her that the relationship will be better this time round will get you a “not now” or straight “no” response.

    In my experience, once you get “no” more than once. It becomes harder and harder to get a “yes”. So make sure before you talk about where things are going that your chances look good”.

  136. yogagirl says:

    I feel sad for how I messed up my relationship. I didn’t give a care about his heart. Now the table has turned, I want him but he no longer wants me.The most painful part is that he left with an impression of me as a cold and heartless person. How do I go about changing his impression of me?

  137. Make genuine changes on yourself and show him that you are warm and loving and not the cold and heartless person he currently thinks you are. Just telling him isn’t going to cut it. He needs to see a warm and loving you.

  138. VerySad says:

    I was wondering if in a situation where the family disapproved of the bf/gf before even meeting them contributed as a factor to the break-up, is there still a chance for getting back together with them? Since you mentioned above that introducing each other to family showed how serious the relationship is.

  139. There is a chance if the person whose family disapproves is confident that you have wonderful qualities that if his/her family got to know you well, they’ll come to love you, he/she may get back together with you to try to give both his/her family and you a chance to get to know each other before making a final decision.

    A lot depends on if the person feels you’re “the one”, if he/she was happy in the relationship to begin with and how you handled/are handling the post break up.

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