Can An Emotionally Aloof Person Change?

Question: May be you can help me. My boyfriend complains that I am emotionally detached and wall him off at times and not let him in. He says that when we’re in public I come across as very unfriendly and unapproachable. I’ve been told by other people that I’m cold and aloof and not caring enough. Obviously there must be some truth there.

But when I try to express my emotions he says I’m too emotional. He says I excessively and constantly dwell on things and won’t let go. I grew up in an environment where people weren’t very emotionally expressive except when angry and can stay angry for a few months and even years. I guess learned to be like that too.

Can an emotionally unavailable and emotionally cold person change? I’m trying to find a way to be more emotionally available and express how I feel calmly and not be emotionally cold. It is something that I would like for myself.

Yangki’s Answer: Yes, an emotionally aloof person can change if he/she wants to, and does what it takes to change.

I’m not going into the “psychology” of why you are the way you are. You may need to see a therapist for that.  But I can give you some effective practices which you can put to work right away.

1. Know and become intimate with your emotional self

You might want to try spending time in quiet meditation or reflection focusing on giving yourself warm love and connecting with the range of emotions inside of you. This may require you to adjust and change your belief system regarding feelings and emotions. If you find this hard to do alone, find a mentor or trusted friend to share your insights with.

2. Spend plenty of time with each other

Spending time “with each other” is more than spending time together — going out on dates, doing hobby activities, watching TV or cuddling etc. Turn off all the “doing” and share openly about how you FEEL about things that are most important to you.

3. Share your deepest dreams and deepest fears

This includes things you’ve never told anyone. Allow him the opportunity to decide now whether he can or can’t love you for who you truly are. If your relationship is to survive long term, you need to trust that your boyfriend will not use the information you share against you in some way.

This takes wisdom to know what information to divulge/aspects of yourself to give to who, when and how.

4. Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable

Most people confuse vulnerability with weakness. In actuality, being vulnerable does not involve the actual experience of harm. True, there is a chance that you’ll be criticized, rejected, taken advantage of or even hurt but you can not be truly loved if you can not open yourself to be loved.

Increased intimacy in both senses of sharing intimate information and of admitting deep emotions goes hand in hand with increased vulnerability. Once you accept that even love can be lost or given up if it creates more pain than happiness, you are more able to share your core desires and deepest parts of yourself without expecting anything in return.

5. Last but not least, don’t rush anything

Emotional health and maturity isn’t easy to achieve. It takes time and it takes some energy. As you practice your new behavior and strengthen your ability to become an emotionally available and emotionally expressive person, the emotional connection will become stronger, and deeper, and will be more likely last.

Republished by Blog Post Promoter


    • Quido says:

      Listen to what the love Doctor is saying about when you demand that a man express MORE feelings. It actually backfires causing him to express LESS to you and shift his focus to someone or something else.

      View Comment
    • Chikita says:

      My b/f is a wonderful father and provider but he is also cold and doesn’t have feelings. He does all the romantic stuff but I just feel like he’s doing it to please me but doesnt feel anything for me. I’ve told him so many times that he is a cold person and if he doesn’t change, I’ll leave him and take our daughter with me. He just looks at me and doesn’t say anything or walks out of the room.

      I understand that men are rational and are trained not to feel but this is really getting to me. I adore him as the father of my child, but I can’t be with a man who feels nothing for me. Please help!

      View Comment
      • Love Doctor Yangki Christine AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

        You keep telling him he is cold and doesn’t feel anything, and expect him to show his feelings. Not going to happen.

        “Men are rational and trained not to feel” is too much of a generalization. There are irrational men and there are men who are too emotional just as there are rational women and women who don’t readily show/express emotion. It depends on upbringing and the environment one was raised in.

        Some men may not express feelings/emotions as some of us women would like but just because someone doesn’t show feelings/emotion or show it in the way we want doesn’t mean they do not feel. Except of course when we’re talking of a psychopath — and you haven’t said your b/f is one.

        May be if you stopped telling him he is cold, he’ll actually become more comfortable expressing his feelings — his OWN WAY. Only then can he feel the need to “change”. But if you can’t “accept” him just the way he is right now, it’s best to find yourself someone else who expresses himself the way you want.

        View Comment
    • Erika says:

      I think this also links back to the “nobody can love you until you love yourself” theory. If you love yourself you can openly and willingly open up to somebody without fearing rejection. Knowing that if you do get rejected, you will be fine because you are happy with just yourself if need be.

      View Comment
      • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

        Before I became a relationships coach, and had experience working with thousands of men and women all over the world, I too bought into the theory that “nobody can love you until you love yourself”. After many years working with thousands of men and women, all over the world, I know for fact that, that theory is not backed by facts in real life.

        You can be loved (very much and unconditionally), even when you do not love yourself. It happens everyday, to men and women of all walks of life.

        It’s not that “nobody can love you until you love yourself”, it’s that it’s hard to appreciate that love when you do not think you are worth it (lack healthy self-love).

        Fear of rejection is a whole other topic that has little to do with loving yourself.

        You can love yourself, and still fear rejection.

        Fear of rejection is a natural survival instinct. In my opinion, someone who does not HAVE any fear of rejection whatsoever has to have an inflated self-image, or even be a narcissist.

        As with all things in life, it’s not that you should never be afraid, but that fear doesn’t stand between you and what you want/desire.

        The trick is in feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

        View Comment
    • DRicK says:

      OMG! This is the best relationship site ever. I’ve spent three straight days here and I swear it has helped me more than 15 years and thousands of $$ of therapy. I’m more confident than I was ever that I know exactly what I need to do to fix myself and fix my relationship. “Thank you” is an understatement!

      View Comment


    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *