How To Be Available But Not Too Available

Most grown men and women are turned off by someone who “plays hard to get” mind games. But the same people are also turned off by someone who is always calling them, always there in their personal space. Someone who doesn’t seem to have a life of his/her own. Someone who is needy and clingy.

To keep someone’s interest:

  • Don’t text or call them until they stop responding or answering the phone.
  • Don’t try to see them more often than they want to see you.
  • Don’t linger on the phone until they tell you they really must go or hang-up on you.
  • Don’t hang around until they hint that it’s time for you to go or ask you to leave.

In other words, don’t be “too available”. Not being “too available” doesn’t mean become inaccessible — ignore texts, do not answer the phone, stand them up, pretend you are busy and all that stuff.

Most people who play these kind of games end up not only driving themselves crazy with anxiety but driving away the person they love.

Allow the other person to access your already-busy life and let him/her be able to contact you, but go on with your own life as you normally would. Don’t change your whole lifestyle for someone else, and please don’t pretend to have a life just to get him/her to chase you. The only person who’ll get hurt is you because you are the only one who knows what you are doing. The other person might actually think you are too busy that’s why you don’t pick up the phone.

Get a real life, a career, a hobby, volunteer or do something for someone else, go see a movie, make plans for a guys’ or girls’ night out. If he/she doesn’t call, your day or time was not wasted because you were not sitting around, waiting.

When your life is not programmed around his or her schedule you can afford not to sound too eager or desperate when he/she says “I’ll call you”. Instead of saying, “OK, I’ll wait for your call”; you can comfortably say “I’ll speak to you soon.”

And when he/she calls, whenever, you’ll have real plans. You can then invite him/her into your interesting life by suggesting things to do that you both enjoy.

For example, he/she may suggest that you get together the same evening you have hockey/dance class, instead of hurriedly cancelling your hockey game or evening class, you can say, “I have a hockey game/dance class on Tuesday, do you want to come to the game/class, then after, we can go for dinner?” If he/shesays, “No, Thursday is not good for me”, and doesn’t suggest another day or time, you can leave the ball in his or her court by saying “If you change your mind about Thursday evening, you know where to find me”.

If he/she suggests another day or time and you have nothing lined up, the two of you can go ahead and have a great time. Do not turn the date down just to play a mind game. Believe it or not, people can sense when something is amiss, it’s called sixth sense.

Some people call you out on it, and others wait for their turn to play back your game to you. I’ve seen people who are very much attracted to each other play this game back and forth, in the end they end up not being able to see each other for weeks because one or the other is always “busy”.

Make sure that if you turn the other person down it’s because you genuinely have something else going on. Then you can say, “Hmmm, Friday is not good for me either, how about Saturday afternoon. I am volunteering at the Sick Children’s Hospital until 2.00. p.m. You can join me or we can meet up at say, 3.00. p.m.”

This sends the message that your life is full and you want to share it with him/her, if he/she wants to. If not, life goes on.

If you have a lot of exciting things going on in your life people will want to become part of it. And when you’re actually enjoying your life, it’s not game playing because you’re not pretending to be busy to try to mess with someone else’s head.

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