Are You Sending Your Ex The Wrong Message?

Question: Yangki, in another comment you said quote “most grow-ups understand the need for space”, then why is no contact when you need space a bad thing? Am I missing something? I hope you post my comment.

Yangki’s Answer: I’ll do you better. I’ll create a post in response.

Yes, that’s what I said, but you left out “but you have to clearly communicate to them why and what to expect”.

Put yourself in this scenario… you had a fight with your partner the night before, you come home from work in the evening and she’s packed up all her stuff, including furniture, kitchenware, everything. Completely cleaned out.

You ask her what’s going on and she says “I just need some space to think and clear my head”.

Any rational person will be thinking, “I understand the need for space… but why take all your stuff and even the furniture and pots if you are planning on coming back?”

That’s what no contact feels like. If you just need “space”, then why delete your ex’s tel number or change your tel number, remove and block him/her from all social media etc?

These are actions of someone who’s not planning on coming back. If you’re not planning on coming back, that’s okay. But don’t say “I just need some space to think and clear my head”. People who just need some space don’t act like they are not planning on coming back. Unless… they are not thinking straight.

Don’t act surprised when you come back (with all your stuff)… and the locks to your ex’s place have been changed, or someone else has moved in. When you move out (cut off all communication lines), people change locks (emotionally shut you out), and/or get new roommates (move on with someone new).

If you feel that you need “space” and plan on re-establishing communication at some point, communicate what you want and need like a grown-up. Don’t just up and go, or try to erase your ex from your life, then months later come back expecting them to be all smiles and hugs… and even get frustrated and upset that your ex wants nothing to do with you. You showed you wanted nothing to do with your ex, it’s only fair that your ex wants nothing to do with you, or is keeping his or her guard up.

Actions not only have consequences, actions communicate our intention louder than words do.

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