I’ve said this in my many of my articles and write quite a bit about in my eBook: what you talk about with your ex is so much more important than how many times you contact your ex.
The number of contacts especially in the beginning means nothing if the “content” of your exchanges do not, and cannot convince your ex that the relationship can be better, and will be better.
The reason I emphasize this is that each person remembers in his or her own way. While you may think your ex shares how you remember the relationship (the good, the bad and ugly), this is usually not the case. Two people sharing an experience doesn’t always mean they perceive and/or remember it in the same way. In addition, sometimes memories fade and other times new experiences push old memories to the background or squash them altogether. External influences including advice from friends, relatives and strangers can influence your ex’s perception of you, and the future of your relationship.
So if you’re just “timing” your contacts and not really doing anything to show your ex that the relationship can be better, and will be better, you’re not just wasting your time (and your ex’s time) but may actually be contributing to your ex’s negative perception of you.
Your ex doesn’t understand why every few days you text him/her, and don’t seem to have anything important to tell him/her, or anything substantial to talk about. Once in a while you make a connection, the conversation picks up, but then you disappear for a few days.
To you, you are practicing “low/minimal contact”, but your ex doesn’t know that’s what you are doing. All he/she knows is that every few days, you text him/her and then disappear.
He/she begins wondering if may be you are playing some sort of mind game or have an “agenda”. Now add in negative advice from friends, relatives and strangers. Even an ex who wants to believe the best is left wondering what you are up to.
This may explain why one of the most searched questions about an ex on my site and on the internet in general is, “why is my ex contacting me?”
But say that instead focusing your time and energy “how many times do I contact my ex?” you’re more focused on “how do I show my ex that the relationship can be better, and will be better”, you find that your thinking, feeling and reacting takes on a whole different energy. Instead of focusing on things you can’t control (i.e. if and when your ex responds/initiates contact), you’re focused on things you actually do control (what you CAN do).
This opens up the mind to “possibilities” as opposed to “limitations’. You find yourself no longer anticipating and just reacting to what your ex says or does, but responding to each moment/experience as it comes. And because your mental focus is directed towards possibilities, you’re mind is more open to framing your contacts in ways that move things forward in a positive way.
And if you do not allow fear stories generated from “what does it mean that he/she has not responded in this number of days” to sidetrack you, and keep focused, you may not only be able to show my ex that the relationship can be better, and will be better but also expand and/or add new pleasant memories to the existing ones.
Bottom line, what you allow your mind to dwell on will determine how you will think, feel and react.
Ask yourself, where is most of my energy and time spent?
- On what I am saying to my ex, OR
- On the number of contacts/when to contact my ex.
If it’s on the later, you may be making the mistake that’ll cost you the chance to get back your ex.
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