Laid Back Vs. Detached – And How Not to Be Needy

I have had a few conversations with men (I can tell are coming from a “pick-up artist” background), who say they find my approach and advice a little hard to follow.

There is a reason for that.

The pick-up artists’ toolkit is projecting confidence, using persuasion tactics and not getting emotionally attached. The expectation is that you will have sex with her, may be a few dates and then dump her.

They do not tell you what to do when and if you fall in love with her, much less how to get her back if she dumps you.

But if you are on this site, chances are you fell in love, you got dumped, your pick-up artist persuasion skills aren’t convincing her to take you back, and your “confidence” is on rocky grounds.

How do you transition from pick-up artist to an open, authentic lover who is not afraid to put his heart on the line, show his feelings and do the ‘work’ to get back the woman he loves?

This is an excerpt from one of my “Lose Control” Workshops now being translated into a book.

When you are ‘detached”, you’re keeping your emotions under tight control because you do not want to get “involved” and get rejected or hurt.

You try to avoid rejection, being manipulated (or used) or getting hurt as much as possible. In fact, your whole strategy is about avoiding the above. You could even say, “detached” is fear-driven because it’s about avoiding what you do NOT want to see happen.

Laid back is the exact opposite.

Laid back is about approaching what you want with an open mind and heart. Yes, you may get rejected. Yes, the other person may try to manipulate or use you. And yes, you may get hurt. It is there at the back of your mind, but it’s not what is driving your actions. What is driving your actions is what you want, and you go for it without fear.

But most of all, when you are laid back, you act on your emotions in an appropriate way and in the right time. But when things don’t go your way or are delayed, you easily take it in stride and don’t let it mess you up.

Lack of anxiety or stress over what has already happened or what might happen, and the ability not to let how others choose to act rough you up emotionally is what sets laid-back people apart from everyone else.

  • If you are fearful of a negative outcome and doing everything to avoid it, you are not laid back.
  • If you get anxious when things do not work out the way you planned or expected, you are not laid back.
  • If you get all stressed out because you messed things up (or think you did) , you are not laid back.
  • If you worry that if you make a mistake you will ruin any chance you might have had, you are not laid back.
  • If you react instead of respond, or let other people’s words and actions get to you, you are not laid back.
  • If you frequently doubt yourself or doubt your strategy/plan because things are taking too long, you are not laid back.
  • If whatever you do or try to do feels like a struggle (and/or is full of drama), you are not laid back.

You may be able to suppress how you feel or act like you don’t care, but you are NOT laid back. You may even be able to distract yourself and avoid anything that might get you rejected or hurt, but that’s just being ‘detached”. It’s not laid back.

Laid back is being present and comfortable where you are at, and working your way to what you want without sweating the journey. It’s what we East Africans call being in Sasa (John S. Mbiti: “African Religions & Philosophy”). You could say Sasa is what we know as the now or present moment, but Sasa is more. The now or present moment is limited to the awareness of what is here now, sasa is expectant awareness that includes awareness of what is in progress, what is about to happen or in the process of realization (the short future).

Ops! Too deep?

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