Are Women Too Picky Or Choosing More Carefully?

women-picky-choosing-more-carefullyA friend sent me a link to Lori Gottlieb article in Just in case you’re wondering what all the wowos mean, it’s a women on the Web website.

The article is a recap of her new book which reveals why you may be wrong about Mr. Right. Ms. Gottlieb writes, “You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte. I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness”.

In my humble opinion, no one should have to “settle” and I do not believe people should get into a relationship all for the sake of having one, but I also believe that many women are getting just too picky.

There is just too much uncompromising rigidity and too many “rules” out there that make it almost impossible for any man to meet the Mr. Perfect standards even if he meets all the standards for Mr. Right.

Some women don’t even know what it what anymore. They get too picky on things that they don’t even know why they’re picky about, and not picky enough on things that really matter to happiness, fulfillment and success in relationships. Many get drunk on chemistry with someone with zero compatibility and others want everything but bring nothing to the relationship except a list of demands and expectations.

According to Ms. Gottlieb, she learned five basic traits in a partner that are not deal breakers and don’t really determine happiness, fulfillment and success in relationships.

1. His height

Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. It all depends on what else he brings to the table.

My advice: I was for many years guilty of 6 ‘1 and above preference, so I really have no right telling others “don’t be too picky.” All I can say is, I’ve met and know many men (some 5’2) and they make me ashamed of myself.

2. His Online profile

Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: Don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile  “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”

My advice: While it’s good practice — in fact a necessity – to try to weed out time wasters, keep in mind that nobody is perfect – at least not all the time. Besides, some of the “perfect” too-good-to-be-true smooth operators are the ones you should be weary of.

3. His Occupation

Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: It’s okay to be attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. So don’t count out Joe, the cute elementary school teacher…

My advice: She’s right, ladies! Sam the cute elementary school teacher may not be your everyday so called Alpha Male but if he can handle kids, he’s most likely also very sensitive, tender, kind, responsible and reliable – and may be really hot and super- charismatic too!

4. His age 

Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: It doesn’t really matter much in the scheme of things if he is 12 years older but still handsome. You’re going to be wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds you attractive anyway.

My advice: This one is a controversial one. I think that when looking at age, one has to look beyond “looking the age” to “compatibility” despite age gap difference.

5. How he compares to “my type”

Ms Gottlieb’s advice: People can surprise you.

Ms Gottlieb says she ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy. He wasn’t who she had in mind, but he was who she wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most

My advice: People can REALLY surprise you. Choose carefully, but don’t be too picky, and live to regret it.

There you have Ms Gottlieb’s advice and my advice…-eh-eh-em… commentary. What have you learned over the years and what is your advice? Any leave”ers” with regrets? You just never know who might be reading this today and will think twice about dismissing Mr. or Ms.  Right.

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  • The guy I’m with right now is every thing I have ever wanted in a lot of ways yet the sexual spark and that feeling of excitement is not there. It was never really there from the beginning. We were friends and it kind of grew into a relationship. We’ve been together 3 years. We want the same things out of life, he treats me good and wants us to get married. I feel like something is wrong with me for not feeling that sexual spark for him. I’m just wondering, is it fair to him that he’d be getting someone who’s only settling for him?

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    • It’s not up to me to decide what is fair and not fair in a relationship between two people. My personal opinion is that when we meet the “right” person, there is a sense of “peace and harmony” within you, similar to when you find your calling in life. It does not mean everything will be great – no fights, no arguments, no bad days etc – it means that even when all these are happening, you know it’s a storm not within but outside. I hope that makes sense.

      Sometimes it means working together to see what you can do to feel that “spark” and sometimes it means loving the other enough to let him or her go. As someone who strongly believes in the power of love (I have seen love at work and never cease to be amazed), I suggest first working together and if that fails, then you let go knowing you did the best you could.

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  • Dear Doctor, Your website has been most inspiring. Not only on a relationship basis but also finding a better spiritual self. My relationship ended 3 months ago. It was complicated. I have had a 12 yr relationship with a wonderful person. But my affair started 8 months ago, when my partner went to prison for two yrs. During a failed prison visit when i tried visiting him after a 24 hr plane ride, the pain was so overwhelming i decided to date to rid the pain. But it all ended when i commited to take this long journey again to see my partner in prison. Insecurities set in and once the relationship is on a downhill slide. We both agree no contact for the next few months. Why play games when i could have moved on. I could have even married him but i guess time ran out. As the saying goes, if you love someone – set time free, If they are yours – they will come back. Once again, thank you Yangki. Your words are written with heart and compassion.

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  • Yangki, I agree with everything you’ve said in your post and comments but I also think some not so confident with some self esteem issues guys will use this as further evidence that all women are picky and have high and unreasonable expectations.

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    • I hear you Femmevoltage (cooool handle… hmmm…I like :))

      I did think about the possibility that this might come across to some as “all women are picky and have high and unreasonable expectations.” But then again any man who thinks so already has “issues” with ALL women and will see anything as confirmation of what he already believes; the same way a woman who has “issues” with men thinks ALL men think with their you-know-what and sees “evidence” of this in anything and everything any man says or does. It’s just one of those things…

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  • I actually don’t think I’m all that too picky, but you’re right, some of my male friends are. Like most people I have a criteria for the type of woman I’d like for a partner but it’s not a dead set list.

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  • I agree but i have noticed men seem to be excepting women more or i might be wrong about this but i am single and available and women just dont seem interested in me. I dont knw what it is about me but women just dont want to knw any tips?
    But here is what i learned the hard way. Love is when two people are willing to make sacrifices for each other why you ask? because even if you find your soul mate you will still have arguments and relationship problems for the simple reason that nobody is perfect i learned the hard that the most special person in your life isnt going to be the perfect person in your life.

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  • Women expect men to have it all – perfect job, perfect car, perfect house, perfect parents, perfect body, perfect everything. They’re always looking for someone way out of their league and ignoring or rejecting decent, available men who’d make them happy.

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    • Let’s not get carried away… 🙂

      The same thing can be said about men… not big enough boobs, not thin enough thighs, not cute enough face, not this enough… that enough.

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