I happen to believe that we all are good “enough” just the way we are. Sure, we all have room to improve and be better human beings, partners, lovers, etc. but deep life changing transformation begins with recognizing that we were never meant to be perfect.
However, “loser” does describe a certain mentality that men and women bring to a date, relationship, marriage or partnership. I’m not talking about the shy, introverted, goofy, geeky, “nice guy/girl”, not-so-attractive, unemployed, etc. stereotype image many of us have of a “loser”. You can be all of the above and still have a “winner mentality”.
I’m talking about the type of men and women who seem to have it all together — looks, money, job, home, swagger, social network, charismatic personality, etc but still have a “loser” mentality.
How do you know you are one — or in a relationship with one of those?
1. Men and women with a loser mentality hide who they really are (or at least think they are hiding). You always get the feeling “hmm… something isn’t quite right here!” (and you are right!).
2. When something goes “wrong” on a date or in the relationship, people with a loser mentality will unload all their frustration and anger like there is no tomorrow. They don’t care who (or if they) gets hurt or embarassed. They just lose it!
3. Men and women with a loser mentality say and do things to please or to avoid “trouble”.
4. In the loser mentality, fear, manipulation, dirty tricks etc. always trump self-belief or self-trust.
5. When someone has a loser mentality they think that they are so POWERFUL that they can control how someone else feels.
6. Loser mentality type will only “play nice” with others when they have something to gain or have the upper hand. When they can’t have their way, they gather their toys and run home to their rooms (incommunicado), or try to sabotage others so that “everyone loses”.
7. Loser mentality type are happy with the passive role in the relationship because they don’t have to make decisions or stand accountable.
8. People with a loser mentality are quick to smooth over a disagreement because they’re afraid it might expose how they really feel.
9. Men and women with a loser mentality have an uncanny ability to always turn things around so that they are the “victim”.
10. People with a loser mentality actually believe that the earth rotates around them and the universe matches to their will. If something doesn’t happen, it’s because they said or did something WRONG. If something happens, it’s because they said or did something RIGHT.
If you recognize yourself as having a “loser mentality” the response is not to excuse, justify or defend the behaviour (typical loser mentality) that is hurting your ability to have the kind of relationship you want. The response is to ask yourself, “What can I do to become A BETTER ME?” — not “perfect”, just better.