Does Acting Aloof Make You More Attractive?

Question: I’ve been with a guy for a year and a few months. He’s very sweet and charming but can also be so cold and distant to a point where I resent him because then I want him so bad. This is when I do everything I know how to draw him closer but when he responds, I lose interest and start acting cold and aloof. He then becomes more interested in me but when I show interest, he breaks up with me. Right now, we’re not together and I know he expects me to make the first move. I’m trying to understand why people find those who act aloof and distant more attractive. And how can we have a normal relationship?

Yangki’s Answer:  Not everyone finds people who act aloof and distant more attractive. For some people it makes them want someone more, and for others it’s an instant total turn off.

You see, when someone is intentionally making him or herself inaccessible physically or emotionally, he or she is trying to trigger the “fear of rejection” or “fear of abandonment” in another person. If you have this fear inside of you  – due to insecurities, low self-esteem, jealousy, controlling personality, co-dependency issues etc – you’ll respond from that place of fear. You’ll try to “stop” the rejection or abandonment by drawing closer to the person who is triggering this fears inside of you.

Your words/language and actions will (sub-consciously) reflect that fear. E.g. over-declarations of love, doing too much to please and all the things that look like you’re becoming “more attracted’ to the other person but which in reality are your fears being acted out.

The sad part is that most people who use “Acting Aloof and Distant” strategy to make someone attracted to them are people who have “issues’ themselves (insecurities, low self-esteem, jealousy, controlling personality, co-dependency issues etc.) Very often, the very person who triggered the abandonment fear inside of you, may either take advantage of it to manipulate you or reject you because your fear triggers their own fear of “fear of rejection” or “fear of abandonment” or being “asked to give” what they are either not prepared to, don’t want to, or simply unable to.

This is why it’s important to be aware of what’s happening when someone is trying to draw you closer by acting aloof and distant. Some people have likened it to emotional abuse where someone repeatedly withdraws physical and emotional access and attention just to make you feel unwanted and/or undesirable. It’s like someone hitting you on the head several times and you can’t figure out who is hitting you and why.

Can you have a normal relationship in this dynamic?

If you’re looking for hook-ups or one night-stands, this may work with certain men and women (insecure, low self-esteem, jealous, controlling personality, co-dependent etc.). But if you’re looking for a long term relationship, this strategy doesn’t stand a chance.

To make this work, one (or both of you) has to quit playing “the game” and create a different dynamic where you draw closer to each other at the same time. Problem is, for most people acting a loof and distant is the only way they know how to get someone’s attention or interest (a carry-over from childhood), and so are just not willing or ready to give it up.

Sometimes what is best is to let go the person who thinks the only way to get you to be attracted/fall in love with him or her is to make you feel unwanted and/or undesirable. It’ll hurt now, but it’s better than hurting over and over every time they feel they want to draw you closer.


  • Chucky says:

    You say people are different and pain, bad and twisted is not the normal here. I’m interested to know if you are open minded enough to have a discussion on a kind of normal other than your interpretation.

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    • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      Yes, I am. I’m open to learning as much as I can in this lifetime. But that kind of discussion will have to be in my spare time. This is my “office” so to speak… when I’m here I’m at work helping those who need my help.

      Of course not everyone who visits my blog needs my help… there are people like you who need to have a discussion… may be debate. If you have a blog, send me a link by email and when I have some time to spare, I’ll drop by and chat (discuss or debate) — in your turf.

      Yes… I’m very protective of the energy around here… or less it’ll become twisted and dysfunctional.

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  • Chance says:

    Love Doctor Yangki- You are a COMPLETE idiot. You seem to think your opinions are the only right ones around here- WRONG. I think Sponias is right one spot actually. I am experiencing this with a g guy right now he’s already showed the 3 signs that user listed. It’s amusing the ways in which people like you think you think love is simple and normal. When really it comes in all shapes and sizes. Not all men think the same sometimes love is just twisted. A man might show how his “hidden” feelings for someone in the most unusual way and it’s like the person he’s doing this for is the only person that sees and feels him doing this. As I am. And in my situation and I’m flattered that he’s showing Sponias’s (three signs) towards me. I like the challenge it gives me because it’s shows he’s not Mr. Normal where you can just read off his signals so easily things are more of a riddle with him and I like figuring him out. By the way I like that you said people who believe that have attachment issues Bwaha! OF COURSE! As does the man I’m dealing with. I mean really who wants a normal relationship without dysfunction and pain once in awhile? or to have it not be twisted? It feels good to go through ANYTHING with a lover bad or good- so I don’t mind he’s showing these strange signs.

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    • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      I’ve been called many things — some worse… (:

      This might surprise you… I COMPLETELY agree with you that normal is what normal is to different people. Happy, healthy and functional is the normal here — painful, bad and twisted is NOT!

      Does the fact that this is my site, my blog, like in I started it, I run it and I own it explain why around here, my opinion seems to matter more than anyone’s else’s? It’s like going to someone else’s house and yelling at the top of your voice why his/her stuff is all over the house…duh!

      I know the reality of having an opinion, some people will agree with me and some will not agree with the things I say, I totally understand that. We’re all different…

      I’m sure there are other blogs that cater to your specific kind of normal (dysfunction, pain, bad and twisted), personally, I have no problem with that… each to their own!

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  • Viv says:

    I enjoyed reading this. When I was in my 20s, men who were indifferent and aloof were most attractive. By then I was depressed and came from a dysfunctional home with lots of anger, drugs, emotional and sex abuse issues. As I grew up and also worked on my issues steming from my upbringing, I’ve found myself turned off by surly men that act as if they don’t care. It’s so tempermentally adolescent. Give me a guy with a broad smile that says he’s something to be happy about anytime!

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    • Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      You said it!

      I think that when we’re young, we confuse having a deep-thought expression (a look of a sense of purpose, focus and responsibility) as indifferent and aloof. The former implies maturity, the later is… (I like your wording better)…(:

      Thankfully SOME of us grow up!

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  • Yeah says:

    I played hard-to-get in a relationship and it killed the relationship. I played too aloof and she basically pulled the plug. I feel so stupid about it and I really want to make it up to her. I gave her (and myself) some time and now I am slowly starting to contact her again. I hope I can show her that I have changed, for I feel she is worth the risk (my pain).

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