10 Signs Your Ex Does NOT Want You Back

signs-your-ex-does-not-want-you-back-love-youIf you still love your ex and there is a possibility that you might get back together, my advice is to do everything within your power to get back your ex.

This is not an easy task, and those trying to get their ex back know that it’s a dance of two steps forward and one step back. In these times, persistence and having a good plan pays off big time.

But how long do you persist before giving up? How do you know your ex is over you and it’s time to move on?How do you even know if your ex wants you back or not?

Each relationship is different, and should be looked at on case by case basis. But there are some very obvious signs that say you are wasting your time, or making a fool of yourself.

1. Your ex wants nothing to do with you

In many of my articles and in my book, I advice people trying to get their ex back not to give up on first contact. There are many reasons why an ex may not respond to your first or even second contact. He/she could not have received your message. He/she could be busy. He/she could be wondering why you contacted him/her (especially if you haven’t been in contact for while) and taking his/her time to respond. He/she could also be waiting to see if you will contact him/her again as proof that you are “serious”.

But if your ex has told you in clear words that he/she does not want contact, or refuses to respond to your texts, messages, emails, phone calls, he/she wants you to leave him/her alone. Continuing to contact him/her just proves you are needy, pushy, disrespectful and annoying.

2. Your ex insists it’s him/her — and not you

Sometimes it’s really your ex and not you. But if your ex despite all your suspicions that there may be other reasons he/she ended the relationship insists that this is the only reason he/she is breaking up with you, and refuses to explore any other “reasons”, he/she is intentionally denying you any opportunity to try and fix things. If someone says “the problem is with me”, what can you do about it? Nothing.

Your ex knows that if he/she gives you a “reason”, you may try to change his/her mind, or do everything to try to make the relationship work — something he/she does not want you to do.

3. Your ex is mean to you (and/or angry at you) most of the time

Break-ups can bring out the “mean” in even the sweetest of us. But if after two months, your ex still calls you names, talks down to you, publicly ignores you or treats you insensitively, you might want to ask yourself if it’s worth the pain and humiliation.

If you cheated or did something really bad, an extended period of being “mean” to you may be justified. But if it’s nothing to do with cheating, lies or any other kind of betrayal, constant mean treatment is not an encouraging sign.

I’ve heard men and women desperately in love say it is better to be yelled at than be totally ignored; that it means that there is still some “feelings” there, and they are right. Even abusive and toxic relationships have “feelings” that mimic passionate love.

Feelings of anger and/or resentment only create more toxicity. Your ex has invested interest in keeping things toxic for as long as possible, and one of those interests is to keep you and what he/she considers your “toxicity” at bay.

4. Your ex says he/she will never trust you again

Trust once broken is one of the hardest things to rebuild. But by showing your ex that you can be trusted again, trust can be rebuild over a period of time.

But if in every other conversation your ex brings up trust issues, or directly tells you the reason he/she does not think you will get back together is because he/she can not trust you, you are not just doing a bad job at rebuilding trust, your ex’s mind about “who you are” is made up.

His/her mind is made up based on what happened BEFORE the break-up and what happened AFTER the break-up. His/her “I can never trust you” is just another way of saying “I can never take you back.”

5. Your only form of contact is through Facebook or messaging

In the initial stages of contact, most exes want to keep some distance. Texting, Facebook, messaging or some other “remote” mode of communications may be the only way you can have any conversations with them. But this should only be in the initial stages, 1 – 3 weeks maximum. If after 3 -4 weeks, you are still unable to get your ex to a more “intimate” form of contact, or get him/her to want to communicate more than a few texts here and there, chances are your ex is just stringing you along for his/her entertainment or revenge.

Someone who wants a real relationship with you gets tired of the cat-and-mouse game very quickly, and will want more intimate communication.

6. Your ex responds but is just being polite

There are exes who respond because they feel that not responding is rude, and/or don’t want to hurt you more than they already have. Most will respond but in a non-engaged way.

If all of of your exes responses are one-word answers (‘yes’, ‘no, ‘okay’, etc) even to questions that require a longer response, they are telling you, they’d rather you do not talk to them.

Someone who wants to talk to you, will make an effort in some way or the other. They may not ask you questions about yourself but will at least try to answer the questions you ask them. They’ll also respond to a text or call you back even if it’s days after. They will at least respond because they care to keep you in their lives.

7. Your ex says you’re now ‘just friends” but will not agree to meet up/hang out

Friends make effort to be a friend. That’s what a friendship is about. But if your ‘friend’ (ex) is avoiding seeing you or spending any significant time in your presence, cancels plans they agreed every time, you are not ‘friends’, even if he/she says you are.

Granted, you are not in a relationship, there is no obligation to meet up or follow through on agreed plans, but someone if is intentionally avoiding you, it is because they do not want to give you ‘ideas’ or create false hope.

8. Your ex is in “a relationship” with someone else

This one is a tricky one, since your ex being with someone else doesn’t necessarily mean you have no chance. The relationship may be a rebound or he/she’s just exploring his/her options.

But if your ex has been with the same person for over a year, or your ex has been in at least two rebound relationships and none of them is with you, it’s obvious that getting back with you is not on top of your ex’s “to do” list.

9. Your ex keeps telling you to move on

Most exes when they end a relationship think they are moving on and will tell you to move on too. That’s just normal. At the time, they don’t believe the two of you can get back together and moving on is the right course of action. In cases where your ex is still leaving the door open, or not yet decided whether he/she wants you back or not, talk about moving on stops after a few weeks or months.

But if weeks or months later, or if in every other conversation your ex feels the need to tell you he/she wants to move on or that you should move on, and even gets upset that you are not moving on, they are serious that they do not want you back.

10. You’ve been trying to get your ex back for a long-long time

There is no time limit on how long it takes to get your ex back. I’ve worked with men and women who got their ex back in a week and others in 2 years. The real tell-tale sign that there is hope is if your “relationship” continues to grow (you are getting closer) over time.

Sometimes an ex who enjoys the attention you are giving him/her and the confidence boost from knowing you are not “over” him/her will give you just enough rope to keep your hopes up, but things never move beyond a certain point. When you start to move away, he/she comes after you, but when you turn towards him/her, he/she draws the line on how far you can come. This can go on for years, if you don’t stop it!

Knowing when to persist and when to give up is an emotional competency skill.

If you spend most of your time feeling and thinking that it is better to give up than continue with the hurt, pain and humiliation, chances are that you are right. There is a part of you that knows there is no hope, it’s time to give up, and move on, but it’s just hard for you to let go.

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  • She does not want any contact. What makes me very sad is not being able to send her a text message anymore. I used to send her one every morning just to wish her a happy day, and one every night to wish her sweet dreams.

    I’ve done some coaching with Yangki and I can now see how this could be a positive experience for me. I was focusing so much on all the things I couldn’t do anymore and not looking at the things I can do. Right now, what I can do is work on making myself the best I can be, whatever happens in the future happens.

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  • Thank you for this list. My ex and I recently got into it and while he finally apologized for how he treated me, he said he wants nothing to do with me.

    It’s a cycle where he says that and then I text months later. We see each other and then we break apart on bad terms again. As hard as this is, I just have to accept it’s over.

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  • Hello Yangki C. Akiteng,

    I have a huge scenario and left so confused with what is happening with my ex.
    Is there anyway I can contact you personally for help or advice?

    Hope you see this thank yoj

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  • Yangki, im going thru what you say is damage done by no contact. I did no contact for 28 days then contacted her. she reply 2 times then she stop responding. i have sent 4 texts but no response from her. last one i sent was 2 days ago. my heart tells me not to give up but at this point i dont know what to do.

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    • I hear you. Unfortunately I don’t know what to do either. Have you tried asking for help from “NC experts”? I know… they’ll probably tell you to do more NC which I don’t think will make any difference.

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  • Yangki, I have been leaving comments but they are not approved. I was simply asking you few questions because I read different things in different sites and books. I know what I should be doing but when I read your articles I get confused. I need to know that what I am doing is not ruining my chances as you say. Can you explain to me why your advice is different and what are the pros and cons of following your approach compared to the others from other experts?

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    • I have seen several of your comments and deleted them because they are distracting and not helpful to many others trying to get back their ex. Then there is the curse words and angry/negative tone that has no place on my blog (that’s how African and Canadian I am…:).

      You have your own ‘ideas” about getting your ex back that you believe in or gathered from other sites or books, ideas that are in direct opposite to what I advice and believe in. You want me to respond/give you advice based on what you think is the right approach/method of getting your ex back. I can only give advice on what I believe in and what I have seen work. I don’t have time to waste disputing other people’s approaches or methods. I prefer to use my time helping people who still believe in love. I hope you can understand that.

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    • The “featured” questions are from posted comments. When I read the question and think that it’s not something I have addressed, have addressed but not extensively, or is a question that has been asked many times, I create an article for it, so that many others can see it and benefit from it.

      If you feel that it’ necessary to give a detailed background of your relationship, then consider signing up for a phone session. You can explain everything and ask me all the questions you have.

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  • I have been brokeuo with my Ex boyfriend for four years, but I still love and I have told him many time since we brokeup I have been asked him to give a chance he resist ,even as is 2016 I told him I want him back he ignored my text on WhatsApp and also my messages .do you think he still loves me ..please help

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    • Technically, it is not NC when she’s told you not to contact her. She initiated NC first, you are just respecting her wish.

      Will that change in the future? I don’t know. For now, it is what it is… she does not want anything to do with you.

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  • My ex has sex with me and invites me to his house but does not want to talk about us. He gets angry when I tell him I will not come to his house again and says fine. Then next day he calls to apologize, some days he send me flowers and some he takes me to dinner and after we go to his house and he is very loving and attentive. Do you think he is using me? Also why does he get angry then plays nice with me? I don’t understand why men do this to women? Is it love?

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    • Men do many things to women and vice versa, but this is not one of them. So let’s not play ‘victim’ here.

      Of course he is using you, and you know it. You also know exactly what is going to happen when you go to his house. First time it happened, I’ll give you a pass for that, we all can be fooled. But second time, third… time? uh-uhm.

      And why does he get angry then plays nice? Because it’s working for him.

      Is it love? I don’t know, but it’s definitely sex.

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