5 Common Signs A Man Or Woman Is Playing You

signs-a-man-or-woman-is-palying-youQuestion: Everything was amazing for four months. We talked about future plans and what we want from the relationship. But then two weeks ago, he kind of started to pull away. I asked him why he all of a sudden seemed distant and he said he felt things were moving too fast.

I’m confused. I don’t know if he’s playing me or if he’s taking his time and just doesn’t want to rush anything. I just want to be sure he still wants to be with me and i’m not just wasting my time on a relationship that is going nowhere.

Yangki’s Answer: Just as each person is different, each relationship is different and the time frames that apply in one relationship may not apply in another.

But with all the head game-playing on both sides (and by even supposedly grown ups who should know better), it’s sometimes hard to tell who is just following some stupid rules, who is playing you and who is taking things slowly because they want to be sure they are making the right decisions.

I’ve tried to compile my own “signs” that help me when dealing with clients situations, and these are just 5 of some of the most obvious ones.

1. If you’re in the dark about what’s going on and he (or she) isn’t doing anything to explain or can’t come up with a plausible explanation of what is happening with the future of the relationship — you’re being played.

2. If the person suddenly pulls back from being fully involved (initiating contact, responding to your texts, emails, calls etc) to zero involvement (ignoring you or in a rush to get away) and he (or she) doesn’t care that his (or her) actions are hurting you — you’re being played.

3. If he (or she) is always saying he (or she) doesn’t have “enough” time for you but he (or she) seems to have enough time to do everything else including go out on other dates — you’re being played.

4. If he (or she) comes across as too good to be true or his (or her) words don’t always match his (or her) actions — you’re being played.

5. If he (or she) spends more time telling you that the relationship is neither right nor going anywhere, it is always the case that he (or she) is living down to his/her expectations – you are being played and you’re wasting your time.

Bottom line:  If there is positive energy and clear signs of “good-will” or loving intentions from the other person, then it’s most likely he (or she) just feels that things are moving too fast for him (or her) and just stepping back to reset the pace at which things are moving. He (or she) is not playing you.

Stepping back and resetting the pace of a relationship that was moving too fast should feel “right” for both of you. You may not always agree on just how much to pull back or even if things were going too fast, but there has to be a kind of comfort that things are still “moving forward”; a little slower but progressively moving forward.

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    • Women say the same thing about men… “Men love a challenge. If there’s no challenge, he’ll have no interest in you.”

      The reality though is that SOME Women love a challenge, and SOME men love a challenge. MOST women and MOST men don’t. You put too many roadblocks and they lose interest (too much work!)

      And those that love the challenge… well, they love THE CHALLENGE… and always looking for the next one.

      The problem for many men and women is that they’re looking for a relationship, but go for men and women looking for a challenge… go figure!

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  • Yangki, I hear what you are saying, but wouldn’t confronting him with it cause him to pull away? Last time when I accused him of hiding things from me, he was so angry.

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    • I wasn’t talking about “confronting” him. In my opinion, “confront” implies an accuser and a defendant, one who’s right and one who’s wrong, a winner and a loser, etc. Most situations when approached with that kind of mindset don’t end well.

      I’m talking about being open with him about how you feel without making it look like he’s done something wrong. For all you know at this point, it’s probably just your issues… nothing is going on.

      Will he get upset or pull away? May be. But keeping things in actually causes more damage than getting it out in the open.

      When you keep it in, it eats at you and one day it comes out in ways you had not planned or can handle. An argument or fight begins. Things get out of hand. Often times at this point, it’s too late to do any thing to make things better.

      Planning before hand, how and when you bring it out in the open gives you better control of yourself and of the conversation. But more importantly, you get to address the issue before it gets to the point when it’s too late to do anything.

      Most people appreciate you expressing your concerns in a reasonable rationale way than acting irrationally or sneaking behind their back.

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  • Yangki, I have a gut feeling that my ex is playing me and seeing someone else. I have no proof of this and have been tempted several times to look into his phone. I haven’t done it because that’s why we broke up before. He found out I had checked his texts and emails. Without proof, I can’t confront him and win. But I also don’t want to be his backup plan.

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    • Let me address what jumps at me first. Are you trying to “win” (justify your suspicions) or trying to create a loving sustainable relationship? If you are looking for evidence prove that you were right to look into his phone the first time, then this is not about a gut feeling, but about YOU.

      That said, you obviously don’t trust your ex, and may be you have good reason not to. But instead of doing what didn’t work before (snoop around), why not go to him with your concerns and let him deny or confirm them. Of course he may deny it even when there is something going on, but if you go with an open mind, you can tell a lot from his reaction.

      Make your decision based on whether you want to continue in a relationship where you can’t trust someone and they aren’t doing anything to address your concerns, or accept that you can’t control what your ex does, and try to find how to be at peace with what you can’t control.

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    • Then you decide whether you want to pursue her knowing she’s with someone else and will probably be with him for a while, or you want to cut your loses now and go graze elsewhere.

      Let me guess… your next question will be “is it possible to get your ex when she’s with someone else?”

      I’ll save us both the time and effort…(:

      YES! Very possible. More complicated and sometimes takes much longer than situations where there is no one else in the picture. But yes, it happens a lot more than you know.

      If 1) the relationship with the other person is not serious, 2) your ex is okay with you pursing her when she’s with someone else (e.g. he/she responds positively) and 3) you have the patience and mental focus to do it. Playing second fiddle is not for everyone.

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  • I also think she’s playing a mind game. It’s second nature to her, I don’t think she even really knows what she is doing. But I’ll take your advice and ask her upfront.

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  • What about when your ex texts you when she’s with the other guy, is she thinking of me or just playing mind games? It has happened on more than 3 occasions. Usually it’s just hi, followed by a few texts asking me what I’m doing and that’s it.

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    • Could be either, but my bet is on playing games.

      Why don’t you ask her straight up why she texts you when she’s with the other guy. If it’s because she’s thinking of you, her response may be coy, but it’ll be something sweet. If she’s just playing games, she’ll get defensive and/or act up (they always do when backed into a corner).

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  • I’m going through #5 with my ex. We were together 3 years and broke up in January due to me becoming needy and us getting into fights about him spending too much time at work. After 2 weeks of no contact I reached out to him. We text every day and hangout 3-2 times a week but he says he does not think we’re right for each other. I feel like cutting off all contact, but I also feel that he loves me and cares about me, he just does not know what he wants.

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    • I don’t think you honestly believe that “he just doesn’t know what he wants” because if you did, you’d not be commenting on an article about someone playing you.

      I can’t tell you whether to cut off all contact or stay in contact, that’s entirely up to you. I however suggest that you ask yourself: Is he playing mind games or is he being honest when he says he does not think you are right for each other.

      Sometimes even when someone is being honest, we do not want to believe or accept it because the truth is uncomfortable. We instead try to look for explanations that we can accept. By doing this, we miss the opportunity to directly address the issue and get more insight into why the other person thinks the way he/she does… and what we can do about it.

      The fact that you believe he loves you and cares for you, and you are hanging out regularly means that things may not be as hopeless as you think they are. Try looking at it with a different set of eyes…

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  • My ex is giving out mixed signals. When we broke up she said she wanted to be friends, but I told her it was too difficult for me. I told her no contact for at least 2 months. After 3 weeks I contacted her and told her, I could be her friend. We kept contact for a week, but she stopped responding. I asked her why she wasn’t replying to my texts and she said she didn’t feel right for us being in contact. I left her alone for 2 weeks, then she contacted me, but I didn’t respond. She sent me about 7 texts, and I felt bad not responding, so I responded. It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from her. I think I’m just not going to contact her for a while and see what happens. My question is, how much time do you think I should give her before I contact her again?

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    • She’s sending mixed signals, but so are you. Both of you are playing mind games with each other. One of you has to “grow up”, step up and give this relationship a chance, or move on with your lives.

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